In Desperate Need of Grace

Ouch!

2011-04-19T12:28:00.000-07:00

The other day (or was it the other week, or the other month? time just goes too fast!), I overheard one of my kids saying to someone else in the family that I didn't used to be the way I am now. Oh, ugh. It was nearly unenduringly painful to hear those words. And I started praying right then and there that God would show me how to get back to being the person I used to be--a person of relatively consistent faith, and joy, and optimism.

I've been going back and reading some of my own older blog posts and they've been blessing me and reminding me of where I used to be. Isn't God great? I had no idea how much of a treasure this blog would be to me when I began it years ago, with the idea that it would someday hopefully be of some value to my children.

This story reminds me of the person (Robert Robinson) who wrote the hymn "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing". I remember hearing that when he was older, he had wandered from God. In his later years, he met a lady who found out he had written that hymn, and told him how much she wished she had his faith. And he replied to her how much he wished he still had the faith he had had when he wrote the song.

Reading the third verse of the song especially lets me know that Mr. Robinson was aware of the danger that was lurking in his own heart. And I believe that God faithfully answered the prayers that were housed in this song. Even though Mr. Robinson had a crisis of faith, I believe that at the end of his life, God restored his faith and joy in his salvation.

Here are the treasured words of this favorite hymn:

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;

Streams of mercy, never ceasing,

Call for songs of loudest praise.

Teach me some melodious sonnet,

Sung by flaming tongues above.

Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,

Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,

Till released from flesh and sin,

Yet from what I do inherit,

Here Thy praises I’ll begin;

Here I raise my Ebenezer;

Here by Thy great help I’ve come;

And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,

Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,

Wandering from the fold of God;

He, to rescue me from danger,

Interposed His precious blood;

How His kindness yet pursues me

Mortal tongue can never tell,

Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me

I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor

Daily I’m constrained to be!

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love;

Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,

Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,

I shall see Thy lovely face;

Clothed then in blood washed linen

How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;

Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,

Take my ransomed soul away;

Send thine angels now to carry

Me to realms of endless day.

*******

Amen!

Secretariat - My Current Favorite Movie

2011-02-16T07:55:00.000-08:00

Ever since I first saw my first preview of the movie Secretariat for the very first time, I badly wanted to see the movie. We hardly ever go to the theater because of the prohibitive cost, so I was very nearly holding my breath in anticipation of the release of the DVD. And I wasn't disappointed.

Keith checked out the movie at Blockbuster the day it was released, but that day I had something going on in the evening and we weren't able to watch it. However, the next day, Wednesday, January 26th, 2011, upon returning home from our Wednesday night church activities, Keith and Linnea and I decided to watch it. (The kids' school starts an hour later than normal on Thursdays, so Wednesday nights they're allowed to stay up a bit later than normal.)
Megan decided she didn’t want to watch it, because she “doesn’t like horse movies.” However, half an hour into the movie, she came into the family room and plopped herself down on the floor with a snack, intent on watching with us just while she was eating her snack. But after her snack was eaten, she remained in the room with us. And there she stayed until the very last moment of the movie! And it didn’t matter that the little kids were sleeping… By the end of the movie, my husband was crying, and Megan, Linnea and I were all cheering and clapping. And the very next day, we watched it again—twice!
So for Valentine’s Day, which was also the first anniversary of Keith and I renewing our vows, I asked Keith if he would buy the movie for me on Blu Ray, since we bought ourselves a Blu Ray player a while back, but hadn’t actually purchased any Blu Ray movies yet. So he did! And we spent several hours on Sunday and Monday, watching the movie again, and watching the extras (since the extras are no longer available to watch on most rental discs). Now I know more about Secretariat the horse than I ever thought possible, and it was so much fun getting there!

(I found this lovely painting of Secretariat on the internet, but cannot read the name of the person who painted it.)

Ugh

2011-01-23T13:38:00.001-08:00

The last several months it's come to light that I have lost the respect of my children. At least some of them. So I've been trying to set clearer boundaries... and stick to them. The sticking to them is the tough part for me, especially when one or more or all of them are mad at me. Always the peacekeeper (not to be confused with the holy and valuable gift of being a peacemaker) I always want to do what ever I can as quickly as I can to bridge the gap and restore the relationship. Even if it means backing down, compromising my values and saying I'm sorry even if I wasn't the one in the wrong. Eek gads! I've become one of those miserable parents who wants to be their kids' friend instead of their parent. In my head I understand the difference, and the dire need my children have for a parent instead of a friend. But in my heart... That's a different story. Will someone please explain to me why what everyone says is right just feels so stinkin' wrong??
(photo from the internet)

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-24T07:36:00.001-08:00

(this gorgeous photo came to me in an email from a friend, a long time ago...)

This year, as always, there is so much to be thankful for! I pray that God will open my eyes to see ever-more fully how richly He has blessed me, and blessed us, and expand my capacity to feel the passionate gratitude that His blessings and constant presence and attention warrant!

Tonight my family is scheduled to travel to Keith's mom's place in the mountains outside of Colville so that we can spend the Thanksgiving weekend with them up there. I look forward to this trip every year... It's like a retreat! No cell phones, one very slow dial-up computer, a blazing hot living room, freezing cold bedrooms, tons of yummy food, a thousand games of Scrabble and late-night movies... I can't wait!! It's possible that we won't be able to drive up tonight because of the roads, but in that event we'll hopefully go up early tomorrow morning, as soon as the sun hits the pavement!

What am I grateful for most especially this Thanksgiving...? Hmmm... Let's see...

A God Who knows me intimately and wants me to know Him more and more every day
My family. All of them. My husband, kids, mother and father, inlaws--everyone.
A fantastic job that I love and wake up every morning looking forward to.
A church full of real, loving, committed people
A beautiful home with lots of windows that's within walking distance of all of the kids' schools
A rejuvinated marriage
relatively good health
all of my senses
And oh so much more than I could ever hope to write about here...

I pray that God will help me to be faithful with the overflowing blessings He's showered upon me, and that He will help me to bless others in any possible way, at every possible opportunity. I pray also that He will continually remind me that all of this comes from Him... I didn't do anything to earn it or deserve it--it's absolutely 100% all about His grace and goodness! May His love, light, compassion, and heart for service take root and bring forth fruit in my life. Lord, You're amazing!

A Favorite Quote from Beth Moore

2010-10-19T07:46:00.001-07:00

I just read this quote yesterday for the first time, but it rings so true in my heart and my life and resonates so deeply in my spirit, it has already become one of my all-time favorite quotes:

"I am so frantic not to veer from the path for the rest of my days that I have become maniacal about seeking wholeness in Christ. I hope to pursue His sanctification through and through with total abandon, no matter what the future holds." (Beth Moore, from the "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things" Bible Study Workbook)

(photo from the Internet)

Honey, I'm home!

2010-10-19T03:51:00.000-07:00

I find it hard to describe how I feel right now... How I have been feeling for the last month or so. It's as though the real me has been on vacation for many months, and, after wandering and wading through the swamp and the muck of anger, pride, confusion, disillusionment, etc., has finally found a way to come home again. Beth Moore would call it a season of sifting, which God was using, has used, and is using, to sift some of the impurities out of my heart and life.

Our church is going through a Beth Moore Bible Study right now called, "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things." And pretty much through all of the videos, and all of Beth's messages after the main video sessions, and through all of the homework, my heart and my head are nodding in total agreement and as much human understanding as I am capable of right now. It's so absolutely, utterly perfect for my life at this point, that I can see with my spirit's eye God's fingerprints and design all over the road map of my life over the last 2 years or so. He is so wonderful!

It is such a joy, blessing, and gift to be back to a place of total and complete trust in Him. I thought I was trusting Him all along, but I see now that there was some major guck in there that was keeping me from trusting Him fully. Truth be told, I'm sure there still is quite a lot more guck in there, and as painful as I know the process might be, I pray that God will quickly and efficiently set about removing whatever other impurities might be lurking the darkest and most hidden recesses of my mind, heart, and motives. In Jesus' name, let it be so Lord!

I haven't forgotten

2010-10-18T20:05:00.000-07:00

I haven't forgotten about this blog, or about how much blogging means to me. Someday soon, or someday later, I will start blogging again. I can feel my next post growing inside me, maturing, getting ready to make its way into the world. Hallelujah! :)

So much to catch up on...

2010-03-06T05:32:00.000-08:00

Let's see... Where do I even begin?

Keith and I renewed our vows on Valentine's Day, and the ceremony was absolutely wonderful! If you'd like to see pictures, try this link. After that, we went on a 2nd honeymoon, just for a few days, but they were fairytale days. We enjoyed each other's company more thoroughly and peacefully than we ever have before. It was so amazing to feel zero stress! Everything about those days was good.

Now we're working at getting settled back in to all of us living together as a family. While my marriage is better than I ever imagined it could be, I still find myself feeling overwhelmed by the needs of the five children that live with us. I can't possibly meet the needs of 5 different people all the time, and am trying to find a balance that works for all of us. I so desperately want to have a home that is full of peace and joy, but is that even possible? Nothing is impossible with God. I keep telling myself that, like a mantra. And I take things one day at a time and try not to have unrealistic expectations.

I was doing pretty well losing weight there for a while, until the stress started building up again. Stress and me don't seem to get along very well. Cortisol, the stress hormone, turns on all of the fat storage programs in my body, apparently. Does that mean I'll never be able to lose weight until my kids are grown up and have left the nest? Dear Lord, I do hope not.

Lisa and Kristina are both doing very well. They're happy, and in relationships with men who are very good for them, and that they are very good for themselves. Things are really working out so very well for both of them, and I'm so grateful to be able to witness it all.

I've been having a great time keeping in touch with people (including myself) through Facebook and text messaging. And sometimes on the bus I'm able to do some reading, when it's not too hot. If it's too hot on the bus, I can't read because I get motion sickness.

I know I'm rambling, but at least these thoughts are being written down before they fly the coop, so to speak.

Life is good, God is GREAT, and I'm so excited to be back with my family again, I can hardly find words to express it. Love and gratitude are simply overflowing.

I took this picture on our second honeymoon, when we went for a walk on the one sunny day we had.

Learned and Learning

2010-01-13T09:06:00.000-08:00

I’m sitting here trying to think of some of the main concepts I’ve learned since August 3^rd, 2009, a day that will live in bittersweet infamy for the rest of my life. This is like a test for myself, to see how well I can do at remembering these ideas, without the books being right in front of me. Of course, some of what I’ve learned has already been so ingrained in my thinking that they are no longer conscious thoughts. But I still think it’s important to recall and articulate the basic principles so I can remind myself, and so I can teach them to my children. I’m going to write these things down as I think of them, so they’re not in any particular order:

Lesson No. 1: Always tell the truth, even when it’s hard or uncomfortable. I’ve been notoriously bad about hiding and/or distorting the truth of how I feel, what I like and dislike, what I want and don’t want, what I believe and don’t believe, etc, etc, etc, for the sake of preserving what I believe to be the perceptions other people have of me. “Changes the Heal” taught me the importance of being real. Jesus said “Woe to you when all men think well of you.” Well, that was me. Pretty much everyone liked me, and it was because I had conformed myself to an image of what I thought they wanted, so much so that I lost who I really was, and am still in the process of finding that lost person.

Lessons 2-? (there’s more than one lesson in this paragraph): That I am an adult, and am free to make my own choices. It is my responsibility to live with the consequences of those choices, and to allow others to live with the consequences of theirs. It’s important to be sensitive and empathetic regarding the feelings of others, while refusing to take responsibility for those feelings. A person’s feelings, thoughts, actions, attitudes, choices, desires, likes, dislikes, etc. belong to that person, and when one person takes responsibility for something that falls within the ownership of someone else, boundary lines are blurred, individuality is lost, and authenticity is threatened. People can connect in real and intimate ways with other people most effectively when they are honest and transparent first with themselves, and then with each other.

I suppose I should post this now, considering I’ve been working on it off and on for three days. J There’s a lot more that I’ve learned these last few months, and I hope to record those lessons as well, as they come to mind. (Photo from the Internet, added on 2/8/10)

Thank you

2010-01-11T07:35:00.001-08:00

Thank you Everyone for the welcoming, gracious, supportive and encouraging comments. I have missed you all so much. I nabbed this picture from an email someone sent me this morning... Isn't it beautiful?

Please pray for my daughter, Megan. She's in the hospital. I can't share more than that because she swore me to secrecy, but let's just say that she - and we - desperately need to see God's grace and glory revealed in this situation.

Many blessings and grace and peace to all of you and your families. I will post when I can. The posts without pictures are the ones I'm posting via email, and pictures don't come through that way for some reason.

Until we meet again... :)

Something new to look forward to

2010-01-08T14:09:00.001-08:00

One of the biggest changes in the way I think and feel is that I really, really want to be a stay-at-home mom. I’ve haven’t wanted that in a long time, if ever. Basically, the idea scared me half to death. For many years I’ve been clinging to my work as my lifeline to sanity. I feel competent and confident at work in a way that I never have at home – as a wife, a mother, or a homemaker. However, after reading two fabulously incredible books, “Changes that Heal” by Dr. Henry Cloud and “Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, I feel far more ready to face and embrace the challenges, hard work, and rewards that necessarily go hand-in-hand with such a life. (photo from the internet, added on 2/8/10)

Rethinking Already

2010-01-08T09:11:00.001-08:00

After I published that last post, I decided to invite my closest friends and family to read my blog, if they want to. And if they don’t want to, that’s totally okay, too. Whomever reads this, my prayer is that your life is being flooded with the grace, peace, abundance and vitality of Christ! (Photo from the internet, added on 2/8/10)

A Blog that is a journal - for real!

2010-01-08T08:43:00.000-08:00

This is my first post in a long time. It feels foreign. But the biggest change is that I'm posting just for myself instead of other people. And the biggest reason is because I don't want my blog to be deleted or deactivated due to extended periods of not being used. I've invested too much time and thought into this blog to allow it to be deleted.

Keith and I will be renewing our vows at 3:00 p.m. on Valentine's Day 2010 at a teeny tiny service in our home. Our family and some of our closest friends will be there. After that, he and I will be departing for a little bit of a honeymoon in Coeur d'Alene. I anticipate doing a lot of sleeping that first night, because I will be so exhausted from moving out of my apartment and back into the house the week before the ceremony.

I am so excited for our new life together to start!

God is so good. I love You, Lord! :)

Changes, Changes

2009-08-17T15:28:00.000-07:00

Katrena took this picture in Riverfront Park, just a few weeks ago, just a block or two from where I sit writing this.

On Monday August 3, 2009, I moved out of the house. On Friday, August 14, 2009, I moved in to a little apartment about 10 minutes from the house. I don't have a computer there, and I don't want to get one. It's been so great to spend time with people face to face, and not to feel constantly torn by conflicting desires and emotions. And since I'm not supposed to use my work computer for personal matters, either, I guess this is it for blogging for the foreseeable future. If anyone wants to stay in touch, my email address is tweeten1@yahoo.com, and I'll probably be checking it about once a month.

I wish every single reader of this blog an abundance of all of God's richest blessings, favor, presence and protection. My season of blogging has meant the world to me, and perhaps someday I'll return to blogging for another season. May God's will be done in all things, by His grace and for His honor and glory, in the precious name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

Kindness

2009-07-27T10:10:00.000-07:00

“Be kind and merciful. Let no one ever come to you without leaving better and happier. Be the living expression of God’s kindness; kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness in your warm greeting. In the slums we are the light of God’s kindness to the poor. To children, to the poor, to all who suffer and are lonely, give always a happy smile. Give them not only your care, but also your heart.” -- Mother Teresa

This is an excerpt from the book I'm reading right now called "A Gift for God," which is a collection of quotes and meditations by and from Mother Teresa. It is my heartfelt prayer for myself, my family, and all of God's children that God would make these beautiful words true in our lives and hearts and innermost selves. The picture is a picture of tulips from our yard this spring.

My Favorite Scene from Moulin Rouge

2009-07-23T15:16:00.001-07:00

I just posted this, but deleted it and am reposting it in an attempt to find a prettier part of the scene to be on the "front cover" (so to speak). Anyway, I could watch this part of the movie 1,000 time without growing weary of it. I hope others will enjoy it as well.

Trying to make it all fit

2009-07-23T08:24:00.000-07:00

(I took this picture early this year while I was carpooling to and from work with my coworker. This is one of my favorite sights... Sunny trees against a backdrop of gray clouds. Maybe it's because of my inherent love for contrast and paradox...?)

Life is so amazingly, incredibly, breathtakingly full! I can't believe it's been like two weeks since my last post. Where in the world does the time go...??

Yesterday I finished the last of my continuing education classes, so I'll be able to renew my insurance license now. Whew! That's a load off my mind. I won't have to do that again for another two years. Yippee!!

When Fred was here visiting in Spokane, he brought me a lovely stack of books. I'm in the middle of reading three of them right now. I'm so glad to be able to have more time to read now that my insurance classes are done. I'm particularly enjoying a little book called "Abide in Me," which is based on the passage in John where Jesus uses the illustration of the vine and the branches to help us understand our relationship with Himself. The book is meant to be read slowly--one chapter per day. But I'm enjoying it so much that I'm having a hard time reading it at that pace. However, putting it down is made easier because the other book I have in my bag is a book of prayers and meditations from Mother Teresa, and I'm enjoying that one very much also. Mother Teresa is definitely one of my heroes, and her words are like a healing balm to my very weary soul. Thank you, Fred, so much, for your graciousness... :)

I've also been spending some time recently utilizing the wonderous modern-day internet miracle that is Facebook. It's made it possible for me to re-connect with friends from school that I haven't seen or had any contact with at all since the early 90's. It's also a great way to stay in touch with a lot of people on a daily basis. I'm loving it!

God is so good. I pray that He will help me to abide in Him fully, even in the midst of hectic, chaotic situations, and that He will be glorified in all I say and do.

My New Old Mantra -- "Simplify!"

2009-07-09T09:51:00.000-07:00

(My daughter Lisa took this really cute picture of Rebecca while we were visiting my in-laws over the 4th of July weekend. I think she should go in to photography... She has a gift!)

I feel a desperate need to eliminate clutter and restore order in my life. You should see my craft room... I would post a picture of it, but it would only serve to clutter up my blog and scare the daylights out of everyone who saw it. I know I've said this before, but I hope I really mean it this time.

Good grief! Is there a pill a person can take to cure double-mindedness? The Bible says that a double-minded person is unstable in all of their ways. I've been praying against this as long as I've known that it was a bad thing. But I'm still double-minded and wishy-washy. It's sickening. Most of the problems in my life are problems of my own making that stem from indecisiveness and a lack of discipline. I disgust myself sometimes.

Another thing I want to do is to teach my kids and myself the 8 habits (discovered and unveiled by Dr. Stephen Covey) until they're so deeply ingrained in our hearts that they'll never be able to be removed. Here they are in a nutshell:

Be Proactive
Begin with the End in Mind
Keep First things First
Think Win-Win
Seek First to Understand, then to be Understood
Synergize
Sharpen the Saw
Find Your Voice and Help Others Find Theirs

These principles, if applied faithfully and in the right spirit, cannot help but to enhance individual lives, and, in turn, make the world a better place.

Words To Live By

2009-07-08T13:40:00.000-07:00

This is from the book The Secret Message of Jesus. It's on my fridge at home and on my desk at work. I try to live by these words every day of my life.

The Kingdom Manifesto of Christ:

Be poor in spirit, mourn, be meek, hunger and thirst for true righteousness, be merciful, be pure in heart, be a peacemaker, be willing to joyfully suffer persecution and insult for doing what is right.

Be salt and light in the world—by doing good works. Do not hate or indulge in anger, but instead seek to reconcile. Do not lust or be sexually unfaithful in your heart. Do not presume to make vows, but have simple speech, where yes means yes and no [means] no.

Do not get revenge, but find creative and nonviolent ways to overcome evil done to you.

Love your enemies, as God does, and be generous to everyone, as God is.

Give to the poor, pray, and fast secretly.

Don't let greed cloud your outlook, but store up treasure in heaven through generosity.

Don't worry about your own daily needs, but instead trust yourself to God's care, and seek God's kingdom first and foremost.

Don't judge others, but instead first work on your own blindness.

Go to God with all your needs, knowing that God is a caring Father.

Do to others as you would have them do to you.

Don't be misled by religious talk--what counts is actually living by Jesus' teaching.

Jesus reinforces this last point—that he's looking for action, not just agreement—in the final words of the manifesto:

Everyone then who hears these words of mine and acts on them will be like a wise man who built his house on rock. The rain fell, the floods came, and the winds blew and beat on that house, but it did not fall, because it had been founded on rock. And everyone who hears these words of mine and does not act on them will be like a foolish man who built his house on sand. The rain fell, and the floods came, and the winds blew and beat against that house, and it fell—and great was its fall! (Matthew 7:24-27 NRSV)

(The photo is of a lighthouse Keith and I visited while in Florida in May)

Saint Francis

2009-07-07T12:36:00.000-07:00

I am reading a book called "Heroic Lives," (by Rafael Sabatini, published in 1934) and one of the sections of the book is dedicated to St. Francis. I was climbing stairs today and reading, when one of my knees suddenly gave a painful twinge of warning. So I decided to go do some low-impact stretching instead, and to try to find a free computer somewhere in order to post several paragraphs from the book that really touched me. Here we go (from pgs 72 and 73):

"He was greeted first in his native Assisi with mockery and insult. Scorned as a madman, he was derided, pelted with filth, even beaten, all of which he bore as so many favours bestowed upon him.

"He preached a simple gospel of love that could be understood by all, and presently, before the inspired fervour of his words, supported by the example of humility, charity and self-denial which his life was become, mockery was gradually silenced, and the Assisians came in ever-increasing numbers to listen to his message. Passionately sincere in his please that men should give up ill-gotten gains, renounce all enmities and prevail by gentleness and love, he bewildered his audiences by no exegitical subtleties, propounded no doctrines. He spoke to them in their own simple language of simple things which they could understand and which were concerned with their own simple lives. He stripped Christianity naked of all theology in which it was swaddled, lost, and stifling, and held it up to them in its pure irresistable loveliness.

"Little by little, the people came to discover in his words that spiritual nourishment for which all men crave, but which there had been practically no one to dispense to them. He touched the hearts and awakened the souls of his audiences. A people brutalized by ignorance or corrupted by false culture, a people who knew not where to seek happiness save in the will-o'-the-wisp of pleasure, were made to realize the joys that may irradiate lives lived for others, the peace and tranquillity that may so be won."

(I find this excerpt so amazingly lovely, humbling, and inspiring, that I know I'll be reading and re-reading it for some time to come.)

(Photo from the Internet)

A Near-Death Experience

2009-07-06T15:54:00.000-07:00

Everyone needs to have one from time to time, I think. Yesterday we were up north visiting my husband's family. We went tubing down the Kettle River with many of our extended family, plus Linnea, Megan, Stephen and Rebecca. Most of our tubes or rafts were roped together so we wouldn't get separated. We floated about 4 miles down the river, and just as we were approaching the end of the route, the "get-out-spot," one of our ropes ended up getting caught on a rock. The rapids wanted to carry us all away. They flipped my son, Stephen's, raft, just before they flipped me out of my tube. I literrally thought I was going to die. The first thing I remember upon emerging from the water was hearing all of my kids screaming "Mommy!" at the top of their lungs. With herculean strength, Keith managed to get the rope unstuck, and his brother, Eulas (pronounced You-less), helped get the whole miserable group over to the edge. When we finally got our feet on solid ground, I thought my heart was going to burst straight out of my chest. But I honestly think everyone should face death every once in a while... It's a great wake up call, and a reminder about what's important in life. Like the importance of relationships, and not sweating the small stuff. God is good!

(Photo from Katrena)

Message to my blogging friends

2009-06-20T20:37:00.000-07:00

Hi all,

I have been a terrible blogger lately, and I'm afraid it's not going to get any better in the foreseeable future. There are so many posts that I haven't been able to read, or comment on. And so many people have blessed me by leaving comments on my blog, and I haven't been able to reply to those either. I am so dreadfully sorry. I love you all and you're in my thoughts and prayers constantly. I pray everything is going well for you, and that you're healthy and happy.

Many blessings,
Mel

Life Goes On, and Adventures in Reading

2009-06-14T23:52:00.000-07:00

It has been a particularly hectic, busy, difficult, draining season lately. Praise God, He is faithful on a daily basis to remind me of His presence and care, and to reassure me that this difficult season will end, and a fresh season of peace will take its place (at least for a while). Until then, the little reminders from God are a lifeline for me. Many of them come from the blogs and comments of my good blogging friends, Joseph, Fred, Danielle, Laura, Donna, Katrena and Pastor Eric, to name a few (and not in any particular order). Many come from my family and friends, and some come straight from God's Spirit. This rose, which I discovered in Katrena's photos today, whispered God's peace to my spirit. It was much needed.

Recently I finished reading the book "The Unthinkable" and that same day I started reading the next book on my list "The Leader in Me" by Stephen Covey. It's so inspiring and thought-provoking, I'm having a hard time putting it down. In fact, my love for reading books has been recently rekindled, which is part of the reason I'm not posting as regularly as I used to. If you could see all of the sticky-notes that pepper the pages of the books I've read recently, you'd laugh. All of those sticky-notes represent quotes or paragraphs or excerpts that I would like to post on my blog, or explore in more detail. I have to laugh at myself. :)

Snapshots

2009-06-14T23:36:00.000-07:00

The other day Megan had a band concert. She plays the trumpet. Unfortunately, none of the pictures turned out that we took of her with the trumpet in her hand. But here she is sitting in her seat, smiling sweetly.

While we were waiting for the band to be ready to play, Linnea wanted to show me something in her locker. She did not, however, want me to take any pictures of her messy locker. But I couldn't pass up posting this cute picture, because it captures Linnea's flare for the dramatic, and Rebecca's curiosity about "big girl" things. Like middle-school lockers.

Meet Marcelle the pig. Marcelle is actually a French vending machine from the early 1900's. I met him the other day while "running errands" on the 1st floor of the building where I work. He's on loan from one of the customers that frequents the first floor of City Hall.

Linnea took quilting as a class her last trimester this year, her 8th grade year. Here's a picture of her proudly holding up her lovely quilt for all to see.

A few days ago when I came home from work, my mom and the little ones, Michael and Rebecca, were anxiously waiting to show me their triumph for the day--a lovely tent made out of our swing set and several blankets, sheets and towels pinned or sewn together. It took quite a long time to build, and everyone enjoyed playing in it and resting in it, including our Pomeranian, Shiloh.

My Dad, and my Trip to St. Al's

2009-06-03T06:17:00.001-07:00

Here are some pictures from my dad's birthday (Megan made the cake), which we celebrated on May 28th... And some pictures from the inside of St. Al's, and a cute little marmot I met on my way there. :)

Our Surprise Welcome Home

2009-06-03T06:15:00.000-07:00

We got home from our trip to Florida at about 11:30 p.m. on Wednesday, May 20th. The house was dark and quiet, and we assumed everyone was in bed. A few seconds after we walked in the door, however, we were greatly surprised when the lights came on and my mom and all of the kids jumped out from behind the couch shouting, "Welcome home!!" Megan made this beautiful welcome home sign for us, and mom picked a couple of branches from our Dogwood tree to put on the table, festively decorating the place in a cheerful homecoming celebration. I took these pictures the next day, when there was daylight. I wish I would have thought to put the dogwood branches in the sunlight... They would have looked prettier on camera that way. But you get the idea, anyway.

I finished reading "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee" and managed to actually get some excerpts from it posted on my blog, "Echoes." Can you believe it? :) Then, a few days ago I started reading "The Unthinkable: Who Survives When Disaster Strikes and Why" by Amanda Ripley. It's extremely fascinating. It's a non-fiction book, but it reads like fiction. I can't put it down.

"Above All Things I Believe in Love"

2009-05-30T15:02:00.000-07:00

1 Cor. 13:13 “And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.”

I’m telling you, the truth of God’s Kingdom is spread far and wide, and appears in the most unlikely of places… Look at this interchange from and early scene of the movie “Moulin Rouge”:

“Do you believe in freedom?”

“Yes.”

“Beauty?”

“Yes, of course!”

“Truth, love?”

“Love? Above all things I believe in love. Love is like oxygen.”

* * * *
Like I said… God’s message is everywhere, even in the most unlikely of places.

(I took this picture early in the morning recently in the Valley Park 'n Ride lot)

Thank God for Movies!

2009-05-30T14:40:00.000-07:00

I'm in the middle of a massive project of filing away 6 months worth of paperwork. Previous to this, I took 2 months worth of cardboard to the recycling facility, which was also in itself a major project.

The reason I say "Thank God for Movies" is because this particular movie is helping me get through this extremely tedious filing project. As I'm filing, I'm playing this movie (which I dearly love) on the DVD Drive in my PC. I took a break from filing to post this post because something in the movie spoke to me.

Near the beginning of the movie, there's a scene where the main character is filling in for an actor who has passed out. The main character begins to sing "The Hills are Alive" from the movie "The Sound of Music," and his skillful singing and the beautiful music serve to bring order out of chaos.

This spoke to me, because this is how God so many times brings order out of chaos in my life... Through music. I love the music in "Moulin Rouge" which is why I love the movie itself. There are many things I don't like about the movie, but what I love about it far overshadows those things. So I say again, "Thank God for Movies." :)

Thank God for my Husband!

2009-05-24T07:36:00.000-07:00

(This is a picture of some of our famous Spokane Lilacs, which I took while walking along the river the other day, heading towards another cathedral in town to check it out.)

Anyone who's been reading this blog for any length of time knows how much I want to be able to take care of my home and yard, and how miserably I fail at being able to do that. Well, Keith was home on Thursday night, and I was, too, unexpectedly, because praise practice was cancelled. He made a long list of everything that needed to be done (vacuum, sweep and mop, clean the bathrooms, etc) and assigned a task or tasks to everyone in the house (except for my mom and the little kids).

(I encountered these lovely cheery little daisies while on my way to another cathedral at lunch the other day, the same day I took the picture of the lilacs.)

The cleaning streak lasted... Friday night and all day Saturday, we worked our tails of and accomplished so much! My bathroom has never been so clean, not since the house was built, probably. A large portion of my time was spent looking for a tool in my husbands tool chest in the garage. After much searching, I finally found a socket wrench that would fit the nuts on the shower door handles, so I could take them off to be able to clean off the hard water stains that have graced the doors since many years before we moved in, I'm sure. Anyway, it's gleaming now, and hopefully we'll be able to stay more on top of it now.

Michael and Rebecca were keeping me company while I was working in the yard the other day, and I was able to snag this cut photo of the two of them. I hope they'll always get along at least as well as they do now, or better. Unfortunately, they've been fighting more lately, taking after the example set by their older siblings. Sometimes I retreat to my room to get away from the constant state of world war III, which my friends tell me is normal, but which drives me crazy none the less. Most of the time I just tattle on them to my husband and he takes care of the problem, for that situation at least. Like I said, thank God for my husband!

Here's a picture of one of the towers of St. Al's, another cathedral in the area. I had mentioned to a friend that I'd gone to Lourdes Cathedral, and they said that was a beautiful church, but that St. Al's should definitely be visited, too. So the next day I ventured out to go there, and snapped this photo as I was coming up on the church from behind it. One thing I love about Catholic churches is that they provide a comfortable way to kneel and pray.

Here's my daughter, Linnea, who will be turning 14 next month. My, how time flies!

Today I have a whole room full of paperwork to sort and try to get put in the proper places. I also have some home courses in insurance continuing education that I need to get through. I'm not looking forward to this very much, but it needs to be done. I'm hoping to get through all of this today and tomorrow, but we shall see.

God is good!

It's Great to be Home!

2009-05-22T07:00:00.001-07:00

It's always fun to go on vacation, but for me, coming home from vacation is still one of the best parts. This is a picture of the fountain in front of the hotel we stayed at, the Ritz Carlton on Key Biscayne Island in Florida.

One of the best things about the trip was the bed, which had a feather bed topper, soft cotton sheets and a down comforter. One night I slept for 8 hours straight without moving or waking up once. That very rarely happens to me, so when it does, it's cause for celebration! :) These are the four books I took with me, since I couldn't pick just one. I read the short stories of Wendell Berry on our flight to Florida, and read 200 or so pages of "Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee" on the flight back to Spokane. I'm hoping to post some great quotes from the book on my blog Echoes sometime in the near future.

On Tuesday we went on a tour of the Everglades, which included a stop at a winery called Schnebly's where they make all of their wine using tropical fruit grown locally. They do not use any grapes in their wine, and I have to say, it was the only wine I've ever tasted that I actually half-way liked.

When we arrived at the winery, it was pouring down rain, but when we got on the bus to head back to the hotel, this is what the sky looked like. I love cloudy/sunny skies and rain washed earth, and couldn't take enough pictures of the scene.

This is the center piece from Tuesday night's dinner, which was fantastic and beautiful.

We met several amazing couples on the trip. One couple from Louisiana has been married 28 years. The wife told me she and her husband are constantly telling other couples that even though raising a family and staying together is difficult in this day and age, it does get easier after the kids are grown, and it's worth it to hang in there through the challenging times.

Another couple we met, from Texas, has been married 44 years. They don't have children, but they have 3 dogs. We chatted with them at dinner on Monday night, and in spite of a 20 or 30-year age difference, we all saw eye-to-eye on most of what we talked about. Things such as raising children who know how to work hard, be considerate, and respect their elders, as well as how to work and run a business ethically and honestly.

Finally we met a couple from Montana. The husband sings in a Southern Gospel choir that tours around, and I'm hoping that our church will invite his group to visit. We greatly enjoyed talking to this Christian couple about God and oh-so-many other things.

I pray that God will richly touch and bless all of the people we met there.

A Little Vacation

2009-05-16T19:01:00.000-07:00

Keith and I are heading to Florida tonight. We'll be back late Wednesday night. I hope to bring back pictures and blog post fuel. All of you, my blogging friends, are in my thoughts and prayers always. I don't know what I'd do without you. :)

(photo from Katrena)

Lunchtime Encounter with God

2009-05-14T14:44:00.001-07:00

Yesterday at lunch I went to Lourdes Cathedral to pray. I never even realized it was there, just a few blocks from my work, until a few days ago. There is a service that takes place there at noon every day, and I was in the sanctuary while that noon-hour service was going on. I can’t even begin to describe how full my heart was—so full that it literally overflowed in tears of joy and awe and repentance. The room was full of quiet, profound reverence. The stained glass windows with the sun shining through them were beyond breathtaking. I don’t remember the last time I felt the presence of God so powerfully or so deeply. I can’t wait to go back! (This time it’ll be with a stash of Kleenex in my pocket…)

(Photo from Katrena)

These are a couple of photos I took while I was at the cathedral. They don't do the windows justice, though.

Our Beautiful Blue Planet

2009-05-14T14:43:00.003-07:00

I downloaded Google Earth so I could follow the progress of certain freshwater well projects through Charity Water. It’s one of the most amazing feats of electronic achievement I’ve ever seen! My husband has been having a great time exploring with it, too. He even found our house. You can zoom in really close—close enough to see the cars in the driveway and the pool in the back yard. Talk about having the whole world at your fingertips! It’s a map-lover’s paradise! J

(Phto From the Inernet)

Books, Books and More Books

2009-05-14T14:43:00.001-07:00

Tuesday night I was blessed to be able to go to the Spokane Valley Library—twice! The first time I went it was just me and my mom, because I knew she needed to get out of the house for a bit. We found several delightful picture books to take home to read to the kids, as well as a couple of DVD’s, one of which was “War Photographer.” The second time I went, it was just me and Linnea, and together we ended up getting three bags full of books. To coin a phrase of Pastor Eric’s, “My reading eyes are bigger than my reading stomach.” For sure.

I was nearing the end of the book “A Generous Orthodoxy” by Brian McLaren at that time, and wanted to check out some of the books that he references in it. One of the books I checked out is “Bury My Heart At Wounded Knee” by Dee Brown. It’s a non-fiction book about some portions of American history as told form a Native American perspective. I’m only about 4 pages into it, and I’ve been near tears a few times already. The atrocities that have been committed by people of my own race and religion (in God’s name, no less!!) absolutely take my breath away and cause my heart to physically hurt. My father-in-law, my mom’s boyfriend and one of my best friends from high school are both Native American, so this book is especially meaningful to me. May God use it to open my eyes and humble my heart.

(This photo is also from Katrena)

Birthday Bookmarks

2009-05-14T14:11:00.001-07:00

One of my favorite things to do used to be giving out little goodies to people on their birthdays. I had a basket at work and a basket at church that I tried to keep stocked with candy bars, gum, stickers, cool pens, and other little trinkets that I thought people would like. Then, on or near their birthday, they’d get to pick something out of the basket as a special treat. Because of our financial situation, I’m unable to keep up the ministry of the birthday basket, and have been trying to think of other things I can do to recognize people’s birthdays in a tangible way.

Just recently, I decided to try making bookmarks for people. I have a 2009 desk calendar that has a different Thomas Kincaid picture on each page. So instead of throwing the pages away when the day is over, I’ve been cutting out the pictures, and combining them with colorful paper, birthday greetings, and inspirational verses or quotes to make bookmarks that hopefully will be pretty durable. So far the few people I’ve given them to have seemed to like them, and I hope that God will use this little ministry to bring glory to His name.

(first photo from Katrena)

Here's a photo of four of the bookmarks I've made so far. I took the picture before I wrote and posted the post, but had no way at that time to get the photo off my camera.

War Photographer

2009-05-13T07:19:00.000-07:00

Keith and I watched this movie last night about James Nachtwey, a photographer who has dedicated his life and career to capturing the horrors and suffering of war on film, in order to draw the attention of the world to the futility of war and the cause of peace. The words "God," "Jesus," "Christian," and "church" were not mentioned even once the entire time (that I can recall), and yet the message of Jesus whispered loudly to my spirit the entire time.

This man has endured and witnessed unspeakable horrors. He has sacrificed having a wife and family of his own. He has been sick with horrible diseases, and has been injured five separate times. In the film there are several instances when he's in areas where he has to completely cover his face because of sulfur in the air, or because of airborne chemicals being used as weapons.

My prayers go out to this man, and I deeply thank God for him and for the way he is ushering in God's Kingdom of Peace in such quiet but powerful ways.

Unplugged

2009-05-05T10:28:00.001-07:00

I’ve been feeling a little frazzled lately. I need to take some time to get my priorities in order and to let my thoughts and feelings settle for a while. Or maybe, I need to let some of them settle, and some of them come to the surface and be expressed and exposed to the light of day. Anyway, I’m going to spend a few days in good old fashioned paper and hands-on therapy. (The Bible and good books and solid human interaction.) To all of my blogging friends, I love you, and I’ll see you in a few days. J

(photo from an email a friend sent)

Springtime Refreshment

2009-05-04T23:08:00.001-07:00

I've been having a great time taking pictures. (Thanks to my friends Joseph and Katrena for the inspiration.) This is a picture of the Spokane River from the Post Street Bridge.

This is one of the blooming bushes outside the public safety complex.

This is my back yard and yes, that is an actual teeter totter. Michael and Rebecca balance each other out surprisingly well in spite of the 2-year age difference.

This is the weeping cherry tree in my back yard, which is in full bloom, next to a couple of our evergreen bushes, which are not doing quite so well.

There's my little monkey, Stephen, enjoying one of the Maple trees in our front yard.

This tree outside the public safety complex is one of many flowering trees on that particular street. They don't stay flowery for very long, so I'm grateful that God blessed us with a sunny day on a day that I had my camera as well as time on my lunch hour to do some spur-of-the-moment photography.

This budding bush is near City Hall where I work, and the bridge in the background is the Monroe Street Bridge, which is a huge part of the official City of Spokane icon.

These little marmots decided to investigate what I was doing. So I decided to make the most of the moment and snap their picture. Aren't they cute?

Here's another shot of the river, which is swollen with spring run-off.

Here's Rebecca, enjoying the warm spring weather with me.

There are links on the right side of this blog page now. One of them is a link to Katrena's photos, which are gorgeous, and a link to mine, some of which are decent, but most of which are just ho-hum. But that's okay. I'm having fun exploring and experimenting. :)

A Friendly Hippo in a Bathing Suit

2009-05-01T08:47:00.001-07:00

One of my jobs at work is to put together the agendas for the Monday night City Council Meetings. I put together a draft, my boss makes changes to it, I update the agenda with her changes, and then I print the corrected version out and give it to another person in the office who checks to make sure I’ve made all the changes, and that neither myself nor my boss missed anything important. When I get it completely right, which isn’t very often, the person who does the second proof puts a sticker on the front page of the agenda. Currently the stickers she’s using are stickers of happy, friendly-looking purple cartoon hippos in bathing suits… It’s amazing just how motivating those cute little stickers are to me, and how much harder I work at making sure the agenda is as perfect as possible in an effort to earn that coveted sticker. It’s the little things…

A Precious Friend and Fellow Believer

2009-04-30T06:47:00.000-07:00

This is my friend Ernie from work, and his lovely wife Sandy, and both of their bikes. I met him at a mid-week Bible study group at work in 2005. He is one of my dearest friends, the person who introduced me to the books “The Shack” and “Cat and Dog Theology,” and the person that I was able to sing some hymns to in an empty downtown condo earlier this year. We go for a walk at lunch once a month, and it’s something I look forward to and enjoy tremendously. Ernie is one of those extremely rare individuals who sees and seeks God’s glory in everything, and who reaches out to and accepts and unconditionally loves all people from all walks of life.

He is a pastor and one of the founders of a ministry called Independent Christian Bikers, which puts out a newsletter every month. One of the regular contributors to the newsletter, and also a ministry partner, is Ed “Chef” Sykes. Chef Sykes is a prisoner and has been for many years. When Ernie and I walked in March, he had just gone to visit Chef Sykes for the first time, and he was Chef’s first visitor in over 10 years. (Chef's children stopped writing several years ago, too. He hasn't had a letter from any of them in four years.)

When Ernie and I walked in April, he had just been to visit Chef Sykes for the second time--to attend the prison's Easter service with him. I was profoundly and deeply blessed by his account of the service... How authentic and spirit-filled it was, in spite of (or maybe because of) its location. I've often thought to myself (especially after reading A Voice in the Wind by Francine Rivers) that in many ways, prison must be freeing. Freedom from at least some forms of temptation. Freedom from a frantically hurried and busy schedule. Freedom from the ups and downs of the economy. In many ways, freedom from self and the constant pull towards worshipping self above all else. It didn't surprise me to hear how profound the service was, and I found myself wishing I could have been there to worship with and enjoy the fellowship of these two brothers in Christ and the Spirit of Christ Himself in such a profound way.

The Other Gender

2009-04-29T15:10:00.001-07:00

As a Christian woman, wife and mother, having male friends has become increasingly difficult and complicated over the years. There are a couple guiding principles that have materialized in my heart in recent months that make sense to me regarding friendships with the opposite sex. One is, my husband has to be aware of it and completely okay with it. Secondly, the friendship should enhance and strengthen and protect my marriage, and the marriage of the other person (if there is one.)

So as much as I can with my own limited understanding, I try to consistently search my own heart, thoughts, desires and motivations, in an effort to identify and eradicate any traces of impurity, and so that the boundaries of the friendship can be tweaked if they need to be. This is a constant challenge and balancing act that sometimes feels like an exercise in tight-roping. But in my own life, friendships with both men and women are becoming increasingly precious to me, so even though it’s difficult (and sometime painful) to find and maintain all of the appropriate boundaries, the blessings of these relationships still far outweigh the challenges. I know that God is helping me with this, because, after all, relationships are precious to God, too.

Something I've been wanting to do a long time...

2009-04-29T11:42:00.001-07:00

On my break today, I went outside and sat in the area where the smokers sit. I’ve thought to myself many times that smokers are far more conversationally oriented and down-to-earth than non-smokers. So today, rather than go somewhere by myself to read or whatever, I went to the smoking area and was able to meet someone who has worked in the same building as me for a couple of years, but that I have never met before.

Ever since I first thought about doing this a few months ago, I’ve allowed fear to keep me from doing it. Fear of rejection. Fear of what other people would say. But today I realized that those fears were unfounded, and I’m looking forward to going back. God is good. J

(This photo and the photo in the post above are both from the Internet)

Hard Pressed, but not Crushed - II Cor 4:8

2009-04-27T12:05:00.000-07:00

I try hard not to be a whiner. But since the purpose of this blog is to chronicle my journey, I would be doing myself and my kids a disservice not to include a post every once in a while about the challenges we’re wading through, both myself personally, and all of us together as a family.

Sometimes when someone asks me how I’m doing, if there’s a Bible readily available, I’ll say, “I’m doing 2 Corinthians 4: 8-9.” And then they’ll laugh or smile and look it up, and invariably they’ll nod sympathetically with a solemn expression and say something like, “Yeah, I hear you… That’s exactly how I feel, too.”

Like so many other people, we’re struggling to make ends meet financially. My kids are outgrowing their clothes. Their shoes are worn out. We’re rationing milk and juice and limiting everyone to one serving at meals. Luxuries have been cut back to almost nothing. We’re limiting showers and baths in both frequency and duration. We’re buying generics whenever possible. My own clothes are threadbare and falling apart (the ones that fit, which aren't many...) I recognize that learning how to live more simply and inexpensively, and to be better stewards of water and electricity and other resources are all good things... I'm praying that after this time of struggle is over, we'll continue to live by these lean principles.

Praise God, my mom is going to start taking care of Michael and Rebecca, starting today. That will save $1,000 per month in daycare costs, which means we’ll be going in the hole by $1,000 less per month than we were before. But we’re still going in the hole.

And this situation presents another difficulty… My mom had only one child on purpose. She had her tubes tied right after I was born, because she didn’t think she’d be able to handle more than one. And now here she is, committed to watching a pretty but dramatic four-year-old girl and a very sweet but demanding two-year-old boy, day in and day out, all day long, for a year and a half, until Rebecca starts Kindergarten.

My mom is really anxious about this, and I don’t blame her. She probably feels about this the same way I would feel if I were to be assigned a job where my primary job duty would be public speaking… Yuck. The thought literally makes me want to barf. I feel so guilty and so sad for asking her to do this. It’s a service of inestimable value that we’ll never be able to repay, and for which I am humbly grateful. I pray that God will richly reward her in every possible way for her willingness to make a personal sacrifice of this magnitude for our family. I know that He will, either in this life, or in the life to come. I pray that He will also show me how and give me the grace to ease the burden for her as much as possible.

A few weeks back I was involved in a process-enhancement team at work. I felt honored to be a part of the team, and it was an enriching experience in many ways. But it put me so far behind in my own duties that I still haven’t gotten caught up. And instead of getting better, the problem seems to keep getting worse. I feel like if I could just get caught up, it would be pretty easy to stay caught up. But “caught up” has proved to be quite the elusive creature, and I feel terrible about the quality of my work as I'm trying to get as much as possible done in the shortest conceivable amount of time.

The battle of the bulge is still very real and ever more troublesome. Because I destroyed my metabolism by starving myself, God only knows if anything I ever do will have any kind of positive affect on my figure. I realize there are many other health benefits that make a health and fitness regime worthwhile, but for some reason I’m just not able to work up much passion or enthusiasm for those benefits. Summer is coming, which means that women will be wearing cute shorts and summer outfits, and it’s going to be hard to combat the envy, frustration, disgust (with myself), and self-pity that those daily reminders will conjure. Especially because I know how important having an attractive wife is to my husband (and to most men), and that he’s going to spend the summer trying hard not to be disappointed.

He and I are going to be going on a trip together for a few days in May to a warm climate (no cost, it was a trip he was given through work, which is a blessing), but the last time we went to a warm climate during a time when I was heavier, all I can remember is feeling hideously uncomfortable the entire time. I know that it’s a heart issue in myself that needs to be dealt with, and that I should be able to be so content in who I am in Christ that none of this matters, but, sigh…I’ll be surprised if that heart issue is fixed before we go, or any other time in the near future.

My husband has been under unbelievable pressure and stress for years on end now, and his body is beginning to show the signs. He’s been having stomach problems that have been getting progressively worse over the last couple of months. He’s lost 16 pounds in the last month or so without even trying. He’s not sleeping well. He's doing his part to try to stay healthy--he eats relatively healthy foods and takes supplements and attends church faithfully, and his attitude has been surprisingly good throughout everything that’s been going on. But I wish there was more I could do to help him, and those things that I could do that he would really, truly appreciate seem to be beyond my grasp right now.

My daughter Rebecca was chewing on one of her fingernails the other day, and her teeth broke the skin next to her nail. Her finger proceeded to develop a strep infection that, if it hadn’t been dealt with by the doctor, would have resulted in the loss of her finger. Her poor little finger is red and painful and peeling right now, but is on the mend, Thank God!

My mom has medical and prescription expenses, but is not covered by insurance, and is not old enough to be covered by Medicare or Medicaid. She also has other health care and dental needs that are not being addressed right now, and are simply being ignored, because we have no resources with which to address them.

There’s so much I want to do, and be, and become. I want to do justly, and love mercy, and walk humbly with God all the days of my life. I want to be the wife He created me to be, and for my husband to be satisfied with me and our relationship and marriage. I want to be the mother my children need so that they will open their hearts and lives to God in real, personal ways and find their satisfaction in Him. I want to work alongside God as He works out His plan to bring about His Kingdom on Earth as it is in Heaven. I want to do something to ease the suffering in the world. I want to instill in my children a vision for the future that God wants to bring to pass, and a hunger to be a part of what He’s doing instead of constantly looking for temporal, selfish, and fleeting satisfaction in the moment.

I want to be faithful with all that God has entrusted to me, including my house and yard. I realize that a huge part of my problem is time-management, and that only I can make this better. I’m praying for energy, motivation, wisdom, understanding, creativity and time with which to study this topic, to comprise a plan that is clear and workable and sustainable, and to put it into practice. But it feels like the more I want and pray for and strive towards these things, the more they all slip through my fingers.

I feel like a failure in every single area of my life, except dental care. I somehow manage to brush and floss my teeth most days. Thank God for small victories. :)

I feel like a selfish spoiled whiner, but I actually do feel better after having vented even just this much. There's more going on than this, but I am unable to communicate about it in this format. I'm glad that God in His mercy will never let me go, no matter how bad I mess up my life, or the lives of those around me.

Arbor Day Celebration

2009-04-26T16:38:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I took my mom, Stephen, Becca and Michael to the Finch Arboretum here in Spokane for an Arbor Day Celebration. We visited booths relating to gardening and various "green" practices, and we also attended the planting of a tree--a Sassafrass tree to be exact.

The lady who was responsible for the planting of the tree was doing so in honor of her daughter, Susie, who died. There are many trees in the Spokane area that have been planted in her honor, and those trees are part of what's known as "Susie's Forest." I love that... It reminds me of the kingdom of God in that Susie's Forest isn't all concentrated in one place, but is spread out amongst other trees and vegetation, just like the kingdom of God is spread out throughout all the world, like yeast in fresh bread. We even got to help a bit with the planting of the tree by shoveling dirt back into the hole that had been dug. Michael wanted to use the shovel all by himself, which was a little funny to see, because the shovel was considerably taller than he is and probably weighed about as much as him, too. But he was determined. I wish I could have gotten a picture, but my camera battery ran out of juice.

The bottom picture is from our living room... I was entranced with the new buds on the bush outside the window and the sun shining on it. It was taken at a time when all of us were ravenously hungry for spring, and that bush in the front yard was about the only thing with new growth on it. I like the picture because of the color combinations and contrasts. I've decided to experiment more with my camera. If I can us my own photos more, and the photos of my friends and family, I think I'd like that better than using the work of strangers all the time.

Why "Echoes" is so important to me right now...

2009-04-20T11:16:00.001-07:00

I used to be in bondage to the “I’m not going to read it if I can’t own it” trap… However, recent events have opened my eyes to see the beauty and value of libraries (of which I believe there is going to be an unparalleled one in Heaven). I’ve been having a hay-day going to the Spokane Public Library downtown, and to the Spokane County Public Library in the Valley. But there are parts of the books I’m reading that I know I’m going to want to have access to later on, after they’ve long since been returned to their rightful owners. So “Echoes” has become a treasury for me – a collection of mind-renewing, spirit-inspiring writings that God has used and is using to change my life from the inside out. One of these days there’s going to be a mad rush of entries on that blog… Perhaps it’ll be today! J

(Photo from my friend Katrena, owner of the blog "My Father's Beautiful World.")

My Mom's Sweet Offerings

2009-04-18T08:53:00.000-07:00

Shortly after my mom moved here, Spokane was buried in snow for a couple of months, so her car sat under a pile of snow for quite some time. Once it was thawed out again, the first time she drove it was to take Megan somewhere and take her car to the gas station to put gas in it because it was almost on empty. But while she was at the gas station, her car stalled and wouldn't start again, so Keith and I took our truck and went and got her and towed her home. The car didn't work after that, and we thought it was because of some electrical problem that would probably cost more to repair than the car is worth.

So Mom decided to sell her car to the junk yard and cancel her insurance on it to save us the $37 per month we had been paying on it. She got $50 for the car, which is the first money she's had in months. She brought it to me holding it like a treasure and said, "This money is the life money of my car." She was choked up. She really loved that car. "I can't do anything ordinary with this money. I tried to give it to your father, but he refused to take it." Then she tried to give it to my husband because he's been paying her bills since she got here. But he wouldn't take it either.

So together she and I gave half of it to Charity Water and half of it to "Faith Comes by Hearing."

Her offering reminded me so much of this passage of scripture:

1 Chronicles 11:15-19: "Three of the thirty chiefs came down to David to the rock at the cave of Adullam, while a band of Philistines was encamped in the Valley of Rephaim. At that time David was in the stronghold, and the Philistine garrison was at Bethlehem. David longed for water and said, "Oh, that someone would get me a drink of water from the well near the gate of Bethlehem!" So the Three broke through the Philistine lines, drew water from the well near the gate of Bethlehem and carried it back to David. But he refused to drink it; instead, he poured it out before the LORD. "God forbid that I should do this!" he said. "Should I drink the blood of these men who went at the risk of their lives?" Because they risked their lives to bring it back, David would not drink it. Such were the exploits of the three mighty men.

Meditating on Light

2009-04-15T13:20:00.001-07:00

When the sun is shining on my side of the Earth, even if there’s cloud cover, as long as the air is clear of fog or smog or dust, I can see everything there is to see from horizon to horizon (from my perspective) by the light of that sun. The sun is so bright and so full of energy, and it’s not even close to being the biggest star in the universe. Wouldn’t a person think that with all those huge blazing balls of energy and light out there, that outer space would be a place of light instead of darkness? But when I look outside at the night sky full of stars, there’s a whole lot of blackness out there, in spite of all of those blazing furnaces. But even then, is all of that blackness really black? No, it’s just empty space that looks black to our eyes. (Literally empty… no air. Nothing. What IS all that space out there? Is it anything at all?) So what we perceive as being the brightness of day on Earth, when our side of this beautiful planet is facing the sun, is really not so much the brightness of the sun itself, but the reflection of that brightness from the land, water, buildings, atmosphere, etc. There are deep and meaningful spiritual implications in all of these observations, and I’m asking God to open the eyes of my heart that I might see them (and Him) more clearly.

The Tale of the Labels

2009-04-13T10:46:00.001-07:00

One of my jobs at work is putting labels on the cases of the cassette tapes that are used for the audio recordings of our City Council meetings. I used to use a typewriter to manually type the dates and lengths of the meetings on the labels. Then we upgraded to labels that are made for the laser printer that is nearest to my desk. I was excited when we first switched because using Microsoft Word to generate the labels is a lot more user-friendly and a lot faster than using the typewriter. Until I discovered that the printer was eating the sheets of labels. Somewhere between the time the sheet of labels is fed into the printer and the time they’re supposed to come back out with the printing on them, they were getting hung up and jamming the printer.

Finally, in desperation, after having wasted 5 or 6 sheets of expensive labels, I laid my hands on the printer and prayed that God would help everything to work properly. And, Praise His name, everything DID work properly! The next several times I printed labels, I laid my hands on the printer and prayed the whole time the labels were printing, and everything worked beautifully. Then, after about 5 such experiences, I forgot to pray for the labels and the printing process, and you know what? They got hung up again. So now I pray for the labels and the process every single time with my hands on the printer the whole time, and so far, it’s worked every time. Dozens of times. Thank You, Lord! I appreciate this because it reminds me that He is involved in all of the details of everything, all the time, whether we recognize His presence there or not.

(This is another one of Katrena's roses. I love the contrasts in this photo.)

Why do I love photos of nature?

2009-04-09T16:25:00.001-07:00

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately, especially this week and last week, when my life has been so busy, hectic, noisy, chaotic, confusing and overwhelming. When I’m feeling especially panicky, simply looking outside—at a sun-kissed tree, or the river swollen with spring run-off, or the ducks and geese dwelling together so peacefully in Riverfront Park—settles my spirit and quiets my mind. And when I’m looking for photos to post on my blogs, I’m usually irresistibly drawn to simple, colorful, light-filled pictures of nature.

I’ve been thinking about why that’s true, and here are some of the reasons I’ve come up with….

All of Creation exists to give glory to the Creator. Trees and flowers, grasses and mountains, rivers and lakes and oceans, air and water, stars and galaxies and solar systems, and all living things in the physical realm give glory and worship to God simply by existing and being what they were created to be. Nature is innocent and uncomplicated. (Not to say that it’s not intricate, because it seems to me that mankind hasn’t even begun to scratch the surface of the ingenious intricacies of this universe.) But there is no premeditation in nature. There is no evil intent or hypocrisy. There’s no deception. And in addition to all of those things, there are many aspects of nature that are simply breathtakingly beautiful, and, at least in my life, God-breathed beauty is a healing, energizing force. Sometimes I pull up my blog simply to scroll through it and see the pictures.

(My friend Katrena [My Father's Beautiful World] read this post on Friday and sent me a bunch of rose pictures she has taken. This is one of my favorites of the ones she sent me. Thanks, Katrena!)

Ponderings

2009-04-08T16:30:00.001-07:00

So much has happened today that I want to write down before I forget.

This morning on the bus, I sat next to a lovely lady who normally doesn’t take the same bus as me, but “just happened” to take it today. The bus was full and she asked if she could sit in the seat next to me, to which I delightedly said yes. She’s going to college, majoring in psychology and anthropology. Very soon she’s going to be going on a 6-month trip to Israel where she will live with an Israeli family and spend time working in offices devoted to community and social services. Her church here in Spokane has a sister church in the town she’s going to be staying in there in Israel.

She was telling me how she’s not content to settle down, get married, have kids and be a soccer mom. She hears the cry of those in need and wants to remain single so she can focus all of her energies there without distraction. I told her I want the same thing for my own kids… Not that they NOT get married, but that they not get married for the wrong reasons, and that they can feel free to stay unmarried if that’s the path they feel God leading them on. I believe with my whole heart that meeting this precious young lady was a divine appointment, even though I don’t think I’ll probably ever see or speak to her again. May God’s will be done in her life, and may His face shine upon her and bring her heart peace.

* * * * *

A friend of mine at work shared a story with me. The other day, she and her 3-year-old son were walking in her neighborhood a few blocks from their home. They walked past a church and her son asked, “Whose house is that?” My friend said, “That’s a church. That’s God’s house.” Her son replied, “That can’t be God’s house. God lives in my heart.” Then he picked up a rock from the parking lot and took it home. The next morning, my friend’s husband asked her son where the rock came from, and her son replied, “It came from His house.” (With a big emphasis on the word “His.”) My friend said her son has begun asking all kinds of questions about God that have caused her to begin to ponder her own views about God. Needless-to-say, I was incredibly delighted to hear this story, especially from someone that I've never heard speak about God before. God is good.

* * * * *

At least twice today God sent me the same message. Once through my friend Danielle of Danielle’s Realm, and once through a meeting I attended. The message is that I can’t hope to take care of the people around me if I’m not taking care of myself. The same exact illustration was used in both situations: During the sudden depressurization of an airplane cabin, it’s crucially important to put the oxygen mask on ourselves before we try to put it on someone else. We tend to think, "Oh, no... No matter what anyone says, I’d certainly put the mask on my kid before I’d put it on myself." But we don’t realize that it can take only 10-15 seconds to pass out from sudden depressurization... If we're passed out, we're not going to be very helpful to anyone, are we? Not to our kids, or our spouses, or anyone else around us. This principle is also echoed in a book I just read, portions of which I hope to post on my blog "Echoes" in the near future.

* * * * *

I've been feeling overwhelmed with life lately. I know that I need to get my eyes off the circumstances and focus on Christ, because I feel myself looking at the waves and sinking deeper and deeper into them. All morning this morning I prayed to see Him more clearly, and kept singing the chorus of "Turn Your Eyes Upon Jesus" to myself over and over again.

During our prayer meeting at work today, I almost didn't pray out loud at all. Because I usually only pray out loud when I feel confident that what I'm going to say is going to come out smoothly and be somewhat agreeable. But at some point, I started praying, near tears, with a quavery and breaking voice. I believe it was God giving utterance to the deep cries of my heart. I prayed to see Him more clearly, and that He would direct my gaze towards Himself. Then others prayed that, too, for me and for other people who are also going through difficult, chaotic, noisy times.

Not even an hour after that, I read a poem on The Souls of Men that God spoke to me powerfully through in direct response to the pleadings of my spirit. The poem was written just yesterday. And this verse was quoted in the same post: "When thou saidst, Seek ye my face; my heart said unto thee, Thy face, LORD, will I seek." Psalm 27:8. God is GOOD! (All the time!)

Oh God, please help me.

2009-04-06T11:44:00.000-07:00

Doubt. Confusion. Stress. Floundering. More doubt. With brief glimmers of light and truth and hope and joy mixed in here and there.

This about sums up my life at the moment. I apologize in advance for the chaotic nature of this post, but chaos is a word that accurately reflects my state of mind, so I guess a chaotic post is appropriate.

Friday night my husband and I were having a discussion, and I ended up getting really angry and screaming at him at the top of my lungs in the middle of a public area until my throat hurt. I’m not going to share the words I screamed at him, but I can honestly say that after they came out of my mouth, I wanted to die. Literally.

After I was done being angry, shame and remorse and regret attacked my spirit like white-hot swords. I kept thinking over and over again about blogging, and how I continually tell people that blogging is a powerful way that God speaks to me, and is a vital mind and spirit-renewing tool in my life. And I thought, if that is true--if it is really, really true--how could such horrid, black, disgusting ugliness still be lurking in those deep places of my being, after all these years and all this time? If who we are in the fire is who we really are, then I am a snake not fit to continue to breath this good air or ever again feel the sun on my face.

That’s when I decided to delete my blogs and swear off blogging forever. I actually logged on to Google with that intent, but then something (or Someone?) stopped me. Instead of deleting my blogs, I posted that short post (and I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to Fred and Laura and Joseph for your very kind and encouraging comments. They truly were three of the bright moments of hope and joy in the midst of the pain of the last few days).

This situation was just one part of a season of stretching and groaning and discomfort.

The other week I did something, which I am not yet at liberty to share, but which I was absolutely certain that God had told me to do. I knew that many people would view it as foolish and would advise against it, so I didn’t tell very many people. Because even if they had advised against it, I was certain enough that it was God’s voice I was listening to and following, that it wouldn’t have mattered what they said, anyway. Needless to say, I did do that thing which I felt God was leading me to do, and it remains to be seen what the end result will be. But from a merely human perspective right now at this time, it looks like what I did truly was stupid and foolish and could have devastating and long-reaching effects in the lives of many people. And yet I still feel that it was God’s voice I was following, and that if it wasn’t His voice, then it calls into question all the other times in my life when I was certain I was hearing His voice, but perhaps I actually wasn’t…? God help me.

Last week I was involved in a team event at work that will change the way our corporation does things on many levels. When the new process is unfolded and put into practice, I know there will be a lot of questions and probably a good number of criticisms, and I have never done very well with either of those things when they were on the spot and in person. I do better with them in writing, typically, when I can take time to comprise and organize my thoughts and weed out the knee-jerk reactions. My confidence is shaken, my heart and stomach are in a state of upheaval, and every foundational belief I have ever held dear is in question.

Except for this: God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love Him. And Christ died on the cross to bear the wrath of God for our sakes, for my sake, and rose again triumphant on the 3^rd day to break the power of sin and death, for the eternal glory of God. I’m clinging to those rock-solid, irrefutable truths like a lifeline. God is good, and I trust Him. Amen.

Last post?

2009-04-03T23:33:00.000-07:00

This might be my last post. I almost deleted all of my blogs tonight, but I decided not to, since the whole point of them in the first place was to record my journey so my kids could have record of it. If I don't post or comment for a while, or ever, please don't worry. Just pray. God's will be done in all things. Signing off...

Uh Oh...

2009-03-31T07:40:00.000-07:00

Today when I was running from my truck to the bus, I tripped and fell and hit my face, left hand, and both knees on the pavement… My hand is swollen and unusable at the moment, so I’m typing one-handed. I’m involved in an important project at work this week, so I pray I’ll still be able to be a valuable member of the team. And my honey and I are spending a few days without the kids in the house, so I also pray that we’ll still be able to enjoy each other in spite of this.

Blessed be the name of the Lord!

Saturday, March 28, 2009

2009-03-29T07:44:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a very full day for us. The first part of the day was spent frantically trying to get our house ready to receive company--Linnea's half-sister, Lindsey, from Montana. Everyone was excited (and nervous) to meet her, and Linnea stood looking out the front door window watching for her for about an hour straight. She called at around 1:30 p.m. and said she was lost, so Linnea and I (with Rebecca and Megan in the back seat) went to go find her and have her follow us home.

I have to say... So many of the modern Christians I meet seem stuffy, pretentious and walled-up, and so many of the postmodern Christians I meet seem authentic, down-to-earth, easy to get to know, and comfortable to be around. Lindsey is just like that. She's a tree-hugger, no doubt, but you know what? So am I! So is Linnea. Lindsey fits right in.

Yesterday's adventures:

I was finally able to get posted the rest of the portions of the book "Story" that most profoundly impacted me. It took a while, but I've been wanting to go it for ages and I'm glad it's done now, preserved in an easily accessible format for myself, my family, and anyone else who may be interested in reading them. (see my blog "Echoes.") Thank You, Lord! I also received a couple of emails from a dear friend regarding something she's concerned about in my life, and I truly appreciate that. I haven't had time to thoughtfully read those emails and respond yet, but I hope to today or sometime soon.

Lindsey and Linnea took a year's worth of glass to the Valley Transfer Station yesterday afternoon, and my mom and Megan took the bus for the very first time to the Valley Mall where they window shopped, tried on clothes, and shared a meal which they paid for mostly with change out of my mom's purse. My mom said the two oriental ladies who helped them were chattering to each other frantically in another language, and she said she didn't think she would have wanted to understand what they were saying. Probably something about the inconvenience, or down-right rudeness, of people paying with change. But change is money all the same, and I hope they got over whatever negative emotions they were feeling, if they were indeed feeling any.

From 8:30 to 9:30 last night, we participated in Earth Hour. I work for the City, and the Mayor suggested that a message be sent to all City employees participate in this worth-while event, if possible. So we sat around our table, turned off every non-essential electronic device in the house, and I read my family a chapter out of "Adventures in Missing the Point," called "Missing the Point: Environmentalism." Then I read them 3 or 4 short stories out of the first book of the "Encyclopedia Brown" series. It was so much fun! We were glad to have the lights back on after that hour, though. The little ones were quite restless by the end.

All-in-all, it was a good day. Good is good.

Unforgettable Prayer from a Friend

2009-03-26T13:14:00.001-07:00

A dear, sweet, precious friend (who asked to remain nameless when I asked her if I could post this) wrote to me and asked if she could pray for me about anything in particular. So I emailed her back about some specific topics, and she sent me this beautiful prayer that I will never forget. I join her in praying these things for myself and for everyone within my circle of influence. I also pray for these things for her, and for those within her influence. May God’s perfect will be done in all things, by His grace, and for His own honor and glory!

******

March 18,2009

Dearest Lord,

Thank you for bringing Melanie into my life. Her riches in You are so evident in every post and email she writes and I get the pleasure of reading. Her gentleness is greatly appreciated by me and I'm sure by You.

Father, she has made specific prayer requests that I know she has brought to You and You have heard and responded the first time You laid these things upon her heart. But I would now like to add my prayer to hers and Yours.

Father, first for her health I pray Your light into every area where she feels weakness physically. Lord, you created every cell, every sinew and knew her before she was weaved in her mother's womb. Father You care about every hair on her head and you care about every cell in her body. Lord I pray complete health and wellness into her physical body and command Satan to get behind her in Jesus name. Walk in health Melanie.

For her marriage, I pray wholeness and health in their communication with each other. Let their differences be overshadowed by their Love (Godly redemptive Love supernaturally given for those You call Your own) for each other. Let Truth outweigh facts. God I know that you care very much about Melanie's heart and it is You who has placed this prayer of redemption upon her. She also needs and desires a better relationship with her kids. What mother doesn't? Lord, show her daily where Your hand is guiding her when it comes to her kids, also Lord continually show her when you want her to see something inside her kids' behaviors that is meant to teach her about Your love for us. If guilt or condemnation tries to find their way into her life and speak to her in whispers about her failures......Father help her to stand up against them and tell them to get behind her too in Jesus name.

Father, as far as tithing goes, show Melanie different ways she can tithe to you that don't necessarily involve money for now. Show her a new , supernatural way to tithe her first fruits to you. I pray against the spirit of poverty that chains down the sheep of this pasture. (the church she attends) Father, break these chains, and bring new revelation that brings forth fountains of understanding and insight about Your Kingdom riches ( Oh, Lord I pray this for myself too!) Father, I do not believe that we are to be in poverty whether in spirit or in our physical bodies. I believe You have created us as wineskins and cups to overfill so that the Kingdom can move forward into enemy territory and save the lost souls bound there. And if it doesn't take money, it does take Your power....So overfill them with Your power Lord....to stomp on the enemy's head and loosen the grip of darkness in all areas of their lives. ( Again,I pray this for myself too Lord)

Melanie, I speak Peace on your heart and your soul in the Name of Jesus.

I have been blessed to be able to pray for you. Thank you for letting me do that.

All Choked Up

2009-03-19T14:24:00.001-07:00

A few days ago, I finished memorizing the 11^th verse of “O Sacred Head Now Wounded.” Today I printed out the words for the next hymn I’m hoping to memorize, “It is Well With My Soul.” The tears are literally choking my throat as I write this. I feel like I’m saying goodnight to an old friend, and embracing a new one. This is the first song God specifically spoke through my friends to point me towards, namely Danielle and Fred. So as God helps me to commit these beautifully meaningful and time-tested words of truth to memory, He will also be anchoring in my heart a deeper love for these precious people. God is good!

Photo from the internet

Gloriously Fresh and New - The Beauty of Today!

2009-03-17T13:44:00.001-07:00

The Spirit is a Creator. Always has been, always will be. That means if we are His, and we stay too long in one place, or remain too long in one condition, sooner or later, one way or another, the Spirit will bring change into our lives. It can be painful, but it doesn’t have to be. Change is scary for some, and exhilarating for others. It used to be scary for me, but not anymore. After all, in such a grand adventure, who in their right mind would ever expect (or even want) things to stay the same? It wouldn’t be an adventure then. (Is that the spirit of Bilbo speaking to me…?)

One new thing that’s happened lately is that I’m taking the bus to work now. All of these years I’ve been afraid of it--afraid that I wouldn’t be able to get to the daycare in time, afraid that I would meet scary people or be confronted with uncomfortable situations, afraid to ask my boss if my work schedule could be adjusted, etc, etc, etc. And then finally something happened that gave me the motivation to bite the bullet and ask her, and she said yes! So yesterday was my first day, and I found out that all of those fears were absolutely groundless. Taking the bus is fun, it’s “green”, it’s relaxing, it frees up my time for other things, and it affords the opportunity to meet and talk with so many different kinds of people. God is so GOOD! J

Something else happened just today… I decided that from now on, beginning today, I’m going to start researching each major holiday as it comes up, to find out who, what, where, when and why. The frilly holidays we celebrate now are but sugary candy, but the roots of them are nourishment of the whole-grain, grown-from-rich-soil variety. God took a history-hater and turned her into a history-lover! I think I’ve found the story I’m going to read to my class tomorrow evening… The story of St. Patrick! Have you ever read it? What a God-glorifying life he lived! I would never have known the history if God hadn’t birthed a brand new passion in my heart for His Story.

Photo by my friend Katrina, who owns the blog "My Father's Beautiful World."

Whoopee!

2009-03-17T09:18:00.001-07:00

“When you move beyond your fear, you feel free.” – from “Who Stole My Cheese” by Dr. Spencer Johnson

Amen!

I can personally attest to this truth. After I finally got over my fear of singing to close friends, and got to the other side of that fear and found the incredible joy and peace that lay beyond the fear, I shared the story with a friend who is not a “believer” (or at least not yet), but is a kindred spirit none-the-less. After I finished telling her the story, she clapped her hands with a huge smile on her face and said something like, “That’s what I think of when I think of resurrection—courageously facing the darkness of our fears, conquering them, and breaking through them into the light beyond.”

There have been several instances of this in recent years, and most of them involved talking to someone. There is a powerful, influential person in my life who I was terrified to talk to about anything that I thought they might not agree with. But then, one day, it happened—I talked to them about a bunch of different things I’d been afraid to talk to them about before. And God used the experience to say, “See? What were you so afraid of? They’re just people. Trust ME.” God is good. J

New Idea for Awana

2009-03-16T16:02:00.001-07:00

Since God has gone to great lengths in the last month or so to show me the immense power and infinite value of stories as useful tools in His great plan, this is what I’m hoping to do… During our “Large Group” time (which in years gone by was known as “Counsel Time”), I’m hoping to read stories to the children—inspiring stories and parables that contain truth about many of the various struggles, battles and challenges we all face, and how those battles may be won. After reading the story, I’ll show the children a selection of verses and have them tell me which of those verses are illustrated by the story. My passionate prayer and deep desire is to see them come to a place of being able to apply scripture to their everyday lives, and to recognize and appreciate the glory and value of the Word of God. The more they see its worth, the more they will hunger for it. The more they hunger for it, the more they will consume it. The more they consume it (not because it was force-fed to them, but because they simply couldn’t get enough), the more they will be changed by it, forever, from the inside out. THAT is my prayer and my heart’s cry.

Photo from the internet

A Refreshing Time of Much-needed Fellowship

2009-03-16T14:58:00.001-07:00

Keith and I, and Linnea and Stephen, spent the day with friends on Saturday. The kids hung out in the lovely roomy basement stocked with tons of new, fun toys and educational movies, and even got outside to enjoy the fresh air a bit. Us grownups, in addition to enjoying a veritable buffet of delicious food, watched movies together, while we ladies were scrapbooking (or getting ready to scrapbook) at a table set up very conveniently near the TV area. We watched Mamma Mia!, King Arthur, The 13^th Warrior, The Holiday, Triple X, and part of InnerSpace. There were several profoundly inspiring scenes in King Arthur, the last one of which prompted me to declare that I was going to start watching movies with a laptop in front of me, so when great scenes like those happened, I would be able to capture them in writing to put on my blog. Someone came up with the brilliant suggestion that I not do that, but instead keep a pad of paper and writing utensil nearby to jot down the times of the particularly meaningful scenes, and go back through them at my leisure to capture the desired dialogues. And that’s what I intend to do! Thank you to that person for the suggestion!

So sometime in the near future, Lord willing, there will be the dialogues of six inspiring (to me) scenes posted on Echoes… Three from King Arthur, one from The 13^th Warrior, one from Fellowship of the Ring, and one from Return of the King. In addition to those, there are a couple of excerpts from books I’m reading that I want to post as well, to be preserved for posterity, or for however long the freedom of the internet lasts, anyway.

The Platinum Rule

2009-03-12T16:36:00.001-07:00

If the Golden Rule is to treat other people the way you like to be treated, then the Platinum Rule (which is the true heart of the Golden Rule) is to treat other people the way they like to be treated. But of course, that might take a little research… J

Poetry - A Newfound Appreciation

2009-03-09T12:04:00.001-07:00

Poetry used to bore me. When I read the “Lord of the Rings” trilogy, I skipped over most of the poems and songs because they simply didn’t interest me. When people shared poems or song lyrics with me, I rarely read them. Anymore, however, I find that poetry moves me in ways that standard writing never did. Where were my eyes when I was reading it before? They must have been tightly shut.

Now I realize part of the reason I didn’t care to read poetry was because I was lazy. Poetry is an art form that when skillfully crafted and thoughtfully unwrapped has power to awaken, restore, cleanse and invigorate. The unwrapping takes a little extra time, an investment of mental, emotional and spiritual energy, but the rewards are beyond comprehension. There are a few poems from the book “Story” by Steven James, and a few poems that Pastor Eric wrote, that call to deep places in my heart. I hope to post them someday soon on my blog “Echoes.”

Seeing Him

2009-03-06T14:42:00.001-08:00

In the building where I work, there are seven floors plus a basement. There’s also another set of stairs going from the 7^th floor up to the roof access. So that’s 16 flights of stairs in all. As I’ve been trying to embrace a more healthy lifestyle, I’ve been trying to take the stairs as much as possible, instead of the elevator, and keeping track daily of how many flights I climb. Whenever I can squeeze in the last flight of stairs from the 7^th floor to the roof access level, I do it.

After the first couple of trips up there, I noticed a little booklet lying on a table or small cabinet amongst a bunch of junk and debris. After a few more times up there, I was curious enough to pick it up and look at it. Although it is rather faded, the picture on the front of the booklet is beautiful. The title is “Seeing Him,” and it’s written by K.P. Yohannan. I’ve never heard of the booklet or the author before.

But since seeing Him--seeing and knowing Christ--is the heartbeat and lifeblood of my existence, once I saw the title, I knew I had to open it and read it. As I often do, I read the end first, and this is what I read:

“When we can’t see Him or feel Him, we should deliberately look for Him, to see His care and His presence all around us. And if you listen closely enough, if we quiet ourselves long enough…we too will realize He has been right alongside us the whole time… More than you realize, He will reveal Himself in a still, small voice and in so many tiny events and encounters.” (pg 37)

Yep, tiny events like finding a tiny 37-page pamphlet tucked away in a cluttered, rarely-seen corner of my world.

I borrowed the booklet for the weekend and left a note for whomever it belongs to, just in case they go up there looking for it.

Thank you, Dear Father, for your constant presence and care!

(picture from the internet)

Megan's Poems

2009-03-05T08:38:00.001-08:00

The sleeping giant within her seems to have awakened…

****
Heavens Jewels

I got to the place
where there are smells of flowers
I got to the place
where there are gold towers

I got to the place
where the bluebirds sing
I got to the place
where the bells and chimes ring

Heaven is a jewel of life
Many jewels are found there
Heaven is a jewel of life
where there is love and kindness to share

I got to the place
where God sits on His throne
I got to the place
where you are never alone

I got to the place
where Jesus rose up to
I got to the place
where there is room for you

Heaven is a jewel from God
the greatest jewels are found there
Heaven is a gift from God
And God has love and kindness to spare

God is the jewel of Heaven’s throne...

Megan Coe 03/03/09

*****

There is One Man

Walking down this lonely road
walking on my own
no love anywhere
I am all alone

When I ask for help somewhere
they all turn and walk away
no kindness anywhere
no more light of day

There is one man
There's one man out there
He is just
and He is fair

There is no God like You
anywhere else
we need to put our trust in You
not our selves

So many dangerous trials
we have gone through
but we have got through every one
because we have You

There is one man
there is one man out there
He has love
that He will share

You are that man
the one man out there
You are just
and You have love that You will share

You have love that You will share...
You have love that You will spare...

Megan Coe 03/03/09

*****

JOHN 3:16

God sent His Son
to die for us
He was love
He was just

Our confused lives
so many sins we've done
We never knew
You were the one

You carried our burdens
and died for Your love
You died on a cross
but rose to above

You did so many wonders
no one could comprehend
You said You'd be back
and that it wasn’t the end

You were the Lord God
What love you had shown
It was our Lord God’s
and it was Your own

And I say thank You
for You are kind and good
You have taught me well
More than anyone would

You are great
conquering fear
With Jesus Christ
pulling us near

And I say thank you
for you have saved my life......

Megan Coe March 1, 2009

*****

IN HEAVEN’S EYES

My mamma is dying
Lord what do I do
She’s out of my hands
I’m giving her to You

Tears ran down my face
As I realized she was gone
is this the road
The one I’m supposed to be on?

A leap of sorrow
came and went away
Then I heard the Lord say
There will be another day

And He said

look at it from heaven’s eyes
your mamma’s safe with Me
I am Christ, your God
Don’t you see?

I sank to my knees
not knowing what to do
God spoke to me again
and said I love you

A smile of love
Appeared on my face
I got to my feet
and began life’s race

And He said

look at it from Heavens eyes
you’re where you wanna be
Do not fear
put all your trust in Me

I will look at it from Heaven’s eyes
I’m where I wanna be
I will not fear
And now I see!

Megan Coe 03/01/2009

(Mel’s Note: I don’t know where the “my mamma is dying” came from… I haven’t been diagnosed with any deadly diseases recently. This poem literally poured out of her as she was doing dishes the other day. Don’t know what it means, but God does.)

Precious Hymns

2009-03-03T16:25:00.001-08:00

These are the hymns I’ve memorized so far, in their entirety. (Or at least, their entirety according to Cyberhymnal…) Words cannot describe the joy and peace that floods all of my perceptions when I’m singing or praying these songs to God. I can’t help thinking that since God is not limited by space or time, perhaps when I sing them, He hears my voice joined with all of the other people now and through ages gone by that are also singing or have sung these songs to Him.

The Master has Come
Come Ye Sinners Poor and Needy
Immortal Invisible
Joyful Joyful We Adore Thee
How Firm a Foundation
This is My Father’s World
O Word of God Incarnate
Be Thou My Vision
In Christ Alone
Our Great God

My Favorite Movies

2009-03-03T15:04:00.001-08:00

August Rush
Amazing Grace
The Passion of the Christ
Lord of the Rings Trilogy (The first movie is my favorite. I just recently discovered this.)
Liar Liar
Phantom of the Opera (newer version w/ Gerard Butler)
13 Going on 30
The Man in the Iron Mask (newer version with Jeremy Irons)
The Count of Monte Cristo (newer version with Jim Caviezel)
Prince of Egypt
The Chronicles of Narnia Movies
Joseph King of Dreams
Young at Heart
Bella
Wall-e
Mamma Mia!
The Secret Life of Bees
The Ultimate Gift
Smile
The Apartment
Mr. Smith Goes to Washington
It’s a Wonderful Life
A Christmas Carol
The Wizard of Oz
The Miracle Worker (old B&W version where Patty Duke plays Helen)
Just Like Heaven
Provoked
Not Without My Daughter
The Visitor
Martian Child
The new Batman movies
Superman, Superman II, & Superman Returns
The Star Wars Movies (all six of them)
The Spiderman Movies
The X-Men Movies
Hellboy II
The Harry Potter Movies
Bruce Almighty
Evan Almighty
The Proposition
A Walk on the Moon
A Walk to Remember
Gladiator
Mother Theresa
Born into Brothels
I Know I’m not Alone
Expelled: No Intelligence Allowed
Pretty Woman
Ghost
Untraceable
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (old version)
Freaky Friday (new version)
Parent Trap (old version)
An Officer and a Gentleman

Sheesh, the list is a lot longer than I thought it would be. Some of these movies have been so instrumental in my life, they’ve become woven into the fabric of who I am. Others of them are just really enjoyable and/or have a great message. I think all of these movies are worth seeing at least once. (Warning: some of these movies may not be appropriate for children.)

Time for a New Blog

2009-03-03T09:20:00.001-08:00

I’ve decided to have three blogs. This one, "In Desperate Need of Grace," (which I still am and always will be) is supposed to be a record of my personal journey with my Creator, and will be used for that from now on. It'll be used for my own writing and personal experiences.

"So It Begins” is a blog dedicated to my journey towards true, balanced, grace-sustained health and fitness: http://soitbegins2day.blogspot.com/

“Echoes” is where I will post poems, songs, stories, parables and blog posts copied from other people and authors that God has used to awaken and renew deep places in my heart and life: http://pursuingtheauthentic.blogspot.com/

In the next few days, weeks, and months, I hope to move everything that was written by someone other than me from this blog to “Echoes.” I pray that “Echoes” will become a place of growth, renewal, and refreshment for myself and any who choose to read it. And as always, and in all things, may God be glorified. And may His glory be recognized, celebrated and enjoyed forever!

(photo from the internet)

Aslan is on the Move!

2009-02-28T12:09:00.000-08:00

Dirty snow. I've seen about enough of it to last the rest of my life. Dirty sidwalks, dirty streets, bare trees, brown, soggy, trampled grass, and enough mud to build the Pyramids with...

But the good news is, Aslan is on the move! He will be here soon, and everything His paws touch will turn green. Flowers will burst forth out of the waiting ground. Warm breezes and gentle rains will carry away the dirt and grime and cold. The scent of flowers and new life will permeate the air. I can't wait. My heart is longing for Him.

Because I can't help it

2009-02-27T06:20:00.000-08:00

"Herr Capellmeister, I should like to compose something; how shall I begin?" asked a youth of twelve who played with great skill on the piano.

"Pooh, Pooh," replied Mozart, "you must wait."

"But you began when you were younger than I am," said the boy.

"Yes, so I did," said the great composer, "but I never asked anything about it. When one has the spirit of a composer, he writes because he can't help it."

-"Pushing to the Front" by Orison S. Marden Published in 1911

(This was posted on Crowbar Massage on December 26, 2003. I've thought about it so much since I first read it that I knew I had to capture it and repost it here for easy access.)

*****

This story says so much to my heart. When I read a book, may it be because it's captured my heart so fully, I simply must read it and cannot put it down. When I sing a song, may it be because the song is filling my heart to overflowing so much that if I didn't sing it, I'd suffocate. When I spend time with my husband, children, family and friends, may my attention and passion be so fully engrossed, that all else ceases to exist. When I pray, may it be because God is planting His own vision and will so permanently in my heart, that crying it out loud back to Him is the only comprehensible response.

A Dream Come True

2009-02-23T20:53:00.000-08:00

When the first Lord of the Rings movie came out (The Fellowship of the Ring) I badly wanted to see it in the theater, on the big screen. But I also badly wanted to finish reading the book trilogy first. Since it took me three months to finish the books, I missed seeing the first movie in the theater. I did get to see it on DVD, though, and I loved it all the more for having finished the books. I knew I would, because knowing and having an affection for the characters, and a general understanding of the plot, always helps me enjoy movies more fully and enhances the entire experience greatly.

Since we have a giant movie collection, and watching movies is primarily what we do together as a family for relaxing recreation, we finally decided to invest in a big screen TV about 2 1/2 years ago. And ever since then, it's been a dream of mine to watch all of the Lord of the Rings movies in one day, from beginning to end.

The dream had kind of fallen on the back burner for the last year or so because of the overwhelming busy-ness of my life, until recently when I decided to start going back and reading the very first posts of several of my favorite blogs. I came across several posts with the texts from some of my favorite scenes from the movies, and my appetite to watch the movies was suddenly back and in full force.

Yesterday, it finally happened... After we got home from church and had a bite of lunch, we started watching the first movie at about 1 p.m. Because there are several young children in the house, there were, of course, multiple interruptions. The last movie finished at about 1 a.m. (And what and incredible finish it was!)

Those 12 hours were some of the most refreshing, exhilerating, invigorating, inspiring hours of my life! There are so many scenes from the whole trilogy that make my heart feel like it's about to explode out of my chest. The scene in this picture is one of my favorite scenes, not just from this series, but of all time. When Aragorn gently closes Frodo's fingers over the One Ring and swears to protect Frodo with his own life, I can hardly bear the sweetness of it. This scene calls to deep places in my heart and spirit that I don't even have access to, at least not yet.

I believe it was God's will for us to watch those movies yesterday, partly because my husband's work phone didn't ring a single time. I can't remember the last time that happened on a Sunday. Also, it was quite remarkable that we all agreed together that this was something we wanted to do. After all, 12 hours is an awfully long time to sit. It's utterly incredible how God works everything together in perfect timing and harmony, like a diverse and complicated orchestral number. He knows just when and how to motivate people to do what He would have them do, according to His perfect will and plan, and all of the tiny details that need to fall into place to accomplish that.

Last night as we were watching Frodo and Sam struggle to cross the harsh wastelands of Mordor, I realized I'm facing the same kind of battle in my own life. It's something I've been putting off for far too long, because I've been so afraid of it. But with God's help, I believe the time has come to bite the bullet, to jump into the deep end, and to embrace the changes that will be necessary to conquer the Orcs and Uruk-hai in my life.

With that end in mind, I've copied Pastor Eric's idea and have started another blog--a health and fitness journey journal. May God use it as He has used all of the other trusted blogs He's placed in my life - to motivate, challenge, strengthen and equip.

Breaking Out of the "Rudy" Mentality

2009-02-23T20:18:00.000-08:00

I've never thought about this before, until after a conversation I had with someone at work a week or two ago. One of the departments at my work is going through a training class aimed at figuring out what each person is good at and what they most enjoy doing, and finding ways to let them express those giftings naturally in their work environment. After all, people are far more efficient and a lot more satisfied when they're doing something they're good at and that they enjoy.

Many times we don't ever realize our full potential, and part of the reason is because America is under a "Rudy" mentality. Think about the movie "Rudy" for a second... Here's this guy, a short, light-weight guy, who dreams of playing football for a certain college team. He's not built for football, football is not what he was created to do, and yet he continues to pursue this dream, all the while ignoring his other talents and letting the fullness of his potential lay untapped.

I admit, I've seen the movie, and liked it. But once I started thinking about this, I realized how silly the whole idea of that movie, and the story behind it, really was. As the person who was telling me about this said, "Yeah, it's a shining example, all right... A shining example of horrendous waste."

I began to meditate on the difference between "Rudy" and my favorite movie of all time, "August Rush." If "Rudy" is a shining example of wasted potential, then "August Rush" is a glorious testament to the beauty of potential realized. When, with the help of the Holy Spirit, a person finds what they were created to do, and when they embrace it passionately with their whole heart, they will be much further along on the road to rich joy and fulfillment in this life.

Irresistable

2009-02-21T20:05:00.001-08:00

For the last several months, every time I've heard the song, "O Sacred Head Now Wounded," I've been irresistably drawn to it. Several times I've said to my mother, "I need to memorize the words to this song, it's a dire necessity!" But when I looked up the words, I discovered there were 11 verses, and, frankly, I was intimidated. But the song still called to me, like a Siren's song, and finally I realized that the appeal of all of the other songs I've been wanting to memorize had been lost.

So I've been dedicating the last week or two to committing these precious words to the depths of my heart, and God has been using them to minister to me in profound ways. I won't post the lyrics here, because, frankly, lyrics without music seem to be dead for most people. But if you ever want me to sing them to you, let me know... I'd be more than happy to. :)

The Underappreciated Value of Blogs

2009-02-21T19:37:00.000-08:00

Blogs are kind of like playlists… When a person finds the playlist of a person who has the same musical tastebuds as themselves, they can trust that they will enjoy nearly every song on that playlist. What a blessing to find something like that! The work has already been done, the playlist has already been compiled, all you have to do is sit back and enjoy being able to listen to a bunch of favorites from one simple source.

Blogs are the same way. When you find the blog of someone with the same spiritual tastebuds as yourself, it's like finding a concentrated source of spiritual nutrition. What a blessing to know people who can be searching through books and websites and going to classes and having ideas that you'll never have on your own, or have the opportunity to go through on your own. And that they can inexpensively and convenientely share those precious gems of truth... Well, it's a modern-day miracle, and no less.

There are about 5 blogs that are in that realm for me.... Every time I visit them, I come away feeling blessed, or challenged, or convicted--but every single time, I feel 100% that it was by Divine grace and providence that I was allowed the privilege of the visit. There is a noble purpose and high calling in it. May God grant that I be faithful with everything He has trusted to me, including these precious opportunities.

When You're Green, You Grow

2009-02-14T10:02:00.001-08:00

“When you’re green, you grow. When you’re not, you rot.”

My Internet friend, Danielle, who owns the blog “Danielle’s Realm,” shared this quote with me. It’s simple, short, catchy, easy to remember, and full of volumes of truth.

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” Jesus Christ, in John 15:5

I sat in a church pew for years, hearing the messages and going through the motions, but not really growing. Not really changing. Not really being renewed deeply, from the inside out. But I thought it was okay. I was going to church. I was doing my part. The rest was up to the pastor and the teachers, and if I wasn’t growing, it was their fault.

Then God grabbed hold of my heart and told me that getting to know Him – really know Him – should be the most passionate pursuit of my life. That all of life, every moment of every day, is an opportunity to learn more about Him, and that church wasn’t just a place to learn more about Him—it’s a place to put into practice everything He’s been teaching me during the moments of my life when I’m not in church.

Things like learning how to love and accept people, including myself, unconditionally. Learning how to love, appreciate and enjoy being around all kinds of people, even the EGR (extra-grace-required) ones. Learning how to live and love fiercely and fearlessly, as the Spirit of God captures more of my heart, mind, energy, affections and trust.

How many people are rotting on their couches in front of the TV, or in their chairs in front of the computer, or i the pews of churches where they attend merely to punch a timecard, as it were? How heartbreaking it is, when God is right there, eagerly waiting to fill and cleanse all of our lives with streams – no, geysers! – of Living Water. Pure. Fresh. Exhilarating. Thirst-quenching.
I pray that we will all be hungrier and thirstier for more of Him, and will have open minds and hearts that hear and respond to His still, small voice—wherever it comes from.

Who is this God?

2009-02-14T10:01:00.000-08:00

To answer that question, let’s look first at how God defines Himself:

“And he passed in front of Moses, proclaiming, "The LORD, the LORD, the compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness, maintaining love to thousands, and forgiving wickedness, rebellion and sin. Yet he does not leave the guilty unpunished; he punishes the children and their children for the sin of the fathers to the third and fourth generation." Exodus 34: 6, 7

This is the passage of scripture that is most quoted by (or repeated in) scripture. That tells me it’s worth paying close attention to. We should closely examine our concept of God to see if who we think God is lines up with who God says He is.

And then it’s helpful to look at who others say He is. Those who dwell closest to Him in the throne room of Heaven, the mighty angels, who see Him much more clearly and truthfully than we do, declare this:

"Holy, holy, holy is the LORD Almighty; the whole earth is full of his glory." – Isaiah 6:3b

It seems to me we like to think of the attributes of God’s character that most benefit us. But I pray that we would have a far deeper love for and appreciation of God’s holiness. I borrowed the following snippet from “The Souls of Men":

“Holiness is the glory of all the Divine perfections… Holiness is the distinctive glory of the Godhead: as Howe termed it, “an attribute of attributes, casting lustre upon the others.” As God’s power is the strength of His perfections, so His holiness is the beauty of them: as all would be weak without almightiness to back them, so all would be uncomely without holiness to adorn them.”

And here’s another statement about God’s holiness from Jonathan Edwards that God has used to truly change my life, from the inside out:

“It is most evident by the Works of God, that his understanding and power are infinite. . . . Being thus infinite in understanding and power, he must also be perfectly holy; for unholiness always argues some defect, some blindness. Where there is no darkness or delusion, there can be no unholiness. . . . God being infinite in power and knowledge, he must be self-sufficient and all-sufficient; therefore it is impossible that he should be under any temptation to do any thing amiss; for he can have no end in doing it. . . . So God is essentially holy, and nothing is more impossible than that God should do amiss.”

This is my God, the God I love, the God I serve, the God Who fills my life with joy and purpose. I’m enjoying getting to know Him more, every day, and am filled with anticipation because I realize that this… This is just the beginning.

Tools in the Hands of a Living God

2009-02-13T23:30:00.001-08:00

Why is it that we tend to objectify "things"? We label things as evil, when it is the heart of man that is wicked.

When I was growing up as a Baptist, everything was considered evil. Movies. Decks of Cards. Make-up. Certain ways of speaking. Certain ways of dressing. Alcohol. Cigarettes. Just things, inanimate objects with no real moral value at all. And rules, rules, and more rules. But hardly any love, and what there was of love was a vain, hypocritical, self-seeking love, for the most part. At least, that's how it seemed to me, and that's how it seemed to my dad, who stopped going to church when I was quite young.

These days I know people who label the internet as evil. Because it is used for evil purposes. But I say that the internet itself is not evil! It's just a tool, just like anything else. If evil is promoted or accomplished on the Internet, it's because the heart of man is evil, and the internet is merely serving as a magnifying glass to show everyone around it the evil hearts of the people who use it for that reason.

Alcohol is the same way. The Bible referrs to "new wine," not in negative terms, but in positive ones. Jesus's first miracle involved wine. He said that people called Him a drunkard because He drank wine.

Prohibition and the Temperance Movement happened because people labeled alcohol as wicked, when instead, it was their own hearts that needed (and still need) cleansing. Alcohol has been present from almost the very beginning. It's been a major part of celebration and mourning, and even of healing, for mellenia.

When my husband has had a drink or two, he becomes the most sensitive of men. I've come into the room only to find his cheeks soaked with tears that were inspired because of a song he was listening to. Normally he's a very get-to-the-point, let's-get-it-done, driven, ambitious sort of person. But after a drink or two, he becomes sensitive, warm, and funny. He lets go of the mountains of cares that life has placed on his shoulders, and begins, just for a moment, to enjoy the small pleasures of life--free and unfettered.

God is good. Everything He created has a good purpose and a holy use. May we learn to balance and accept what He has given us with gratitude and humility, and to allow Him to truly rule lovingly in our lives, in every single detail. All glory to Your name, Dear Lord!

A Tale of a Man and his Wife

2009-02-09T12:56:00.000-08:00

People-pleasing, peace-keeping (not to be confused with the much higher and holy calling of peace-making) "B-type" people like me sometimes have a hard time with more controlling "A-type" personalities. Not that I have a hard time getting along with them, because I'm usually able to get along with anyone. But I do struggle with having hard feelings and animosity towards them quite frequently, which presents certain challenges, especially since I'm married to one.

My entire married life I've wanted to be a good godly submitted Christian wife, so much so that I made up a mental list of what the actions of a submitted wife would look like, and spent a great deal of time and energy schooling my actions and non-verbal communication to make it look like I was that person. And yet, I've struggled with respecting my husband and submitting to his authority with my whole heart. I'm good at faking it, though, so many times it looks like I'm submitting to him and respecting him, when in my heart I'm rebelling with the worst kind of rebellion.

It all kind of came to a head when my mom moved here in November. Keith was concerned, I think, that when she came, I would consistently choose her over him. I tried to reassure him, and myself, that he was and would be and would remain my first priority after she moved here. However, the day before she was scheduled to arrive, he and I got into a heated e-mail argument.

In my writing, I attacked him with viciousness, cruelty, criticism, and harsh judgment. Repeatedly. And what's worse, I thought God was on my side. I felt like my anger was righteous anger. But when I hit "send" on the final round of e-sparring, God instantly opened my eyes to see the ugliness and horror of what I had done.

All these years my husband has said he doesn't really believe that he's my first human priority, and that I care more about other people and more about what they think than I do about him or about what he thinks. And all these years I've heatedly denied it, holding up and pointing to my list of self-made evidences to the contrary.

As soon as I hit the send button on that last email, God opened the eyes of my heart to finally truly see that Keith has been right all these years--he hasn't truly been my first priority, not on the inside, where it matters most. I was immediately ashamed of myself, to the core of my being.
I wrote him another email, within minutes of the last nasty one I'd sent him, asking him to please, please forgive me, and praying the God would give him the grace to do so. And I determined then and there to start taking steps to change my heart towards my husband. I felt comforted and encouraged by that determination and hopeful that things would truly begin to change for the better, from the inside out.

Little did I know...

A true test of my new conviction came the next night when my mom called to say she was nearly to Spokane. God had graciously provided someone for her to ride with, who was also able to tow her car behind them, and she was calling to say she wanted me to meet her at the downtown 3rd Avenue U-Haul where they were going to return the dolly they'd used to tow her car here.

Keith was on the phone working, and Stephen was playing video games, so I loaded up Becca and Michael into the truck and was just pulling out when Keith came out into the garage and asked what I was doing. I explained it to him, and he told me I should call her back and have her jump on the freeway after unloading the dolley, and meet me on Argonne instead of me going all the way downtown.

I knew she wouldn't like that at all, but I was trying to be the submitted wife, and to put my husband first, so I called her and asked her to do that. She sounded panicky and literally ordered me to get into the truck right now and come get her. My heart was torn in two. Keith was telling me quietly in the background to tell her that he was having a busy night with work, and to explain to her why he wanted us to do it that way. But instead of doing that, I simply told her that Keith was dead set against me coming downtown and that I couldn't do it.

After we hung up, I could see that Keith was extremely upset. He said that I had made him sound like an awful person, and that mom and the person driving her were both going to think badly of him because of what I had said and the way I had said it. He also said that whenever he talks to other people about me, he never does so in a way that would make me look bad to them. He always finds ways to say whatever needs to be said in the most honoring and dignified way possible, whereas when I talk to people about him, I do so to make myself look innocent and him look like the bad guy.

What could I say to that? He was completely and utterly correct, to my eternal, gut-wrenching shame.

I was extremely disheartened, discouraged and disgusted with myself (not to mention stressed out.) Here, just the day before, I had vowed to myself that I would put Keith first and honor him from the inside out. And here I was, proving to Keith and myself and everyone else that I was incapable of doing it.

But God used the situation to add more layers to the revelation from the day before. He showed me that only He will ever be able to change my innermost heart to make Keith my first human priority. I can't do it on my own, no matter how much I want to. But when it does happen, all of the glory will go to God alone. Hallelujah!

He also showed me that disrespecting Keith in my heart is something that I learned to do as a child, when I disrespected my dad (the male authority figure in the house and in the family at that time) in the same way.

I had secretly held them both in disdain. I secretly considered myself better, wiser, smarter, more spiritual, more valuable than them. All the while pretending to honor and respect them with my outward actions and non-verbal communication, even though my heart was full of corruption and pride and selfishness. Dear Lord, have mercy.

I didn’t know what to do or where to go from there… I felt absolutely paralyzed. A prayer something like, “Dear God, forgive me. Humble my heart. Have mercy on me. Show me what to say and do,” kept reverberating through my heart.

The person who had driven my mom up to Spokane was able to bring her and her car all the way to our house. (Thank You, Lord! And thank you to that person.) As soon as they arrived, I immediately told them all of the reasons why Keith had suggested that I not drive all the way downtown, and apologized profusely for dishonoring my husband, and for making their evening more difficult.

After the driver had left, Mom and I worked on unloading her things and taking them to her room and getting her settled in there. While we were doing that, Keith left for a while, because he desperately needed to be alone, to think and to pray. When he came back a few hours later, my mom and all of the kids were in bed (it was between 11 p.m. and midnight when he returned). I could tell he was still really hurt and angry because his entire being was completely closed off to me.

With my heart pounding and tears aching in my throat the whole time, I told him what God had shown me about how I had pretended to respect him, but had dishonored him in my heart all of those years, just as I had dishonored my father. I begged for his forgiveness and told him I didn’t know how to change myself, but that God would be the One to do the changing, and would he (Keith) please, please be patient with me, and pray for me toward that end?

All was definitely not okay yet after our conversation, but there was a notably marked thawing in what had been a frigid relational atmosphere. A layer of pretense was replaced with a layer of authenticity. And since then, slowly but surely, things have been changing in my heart and in our relationship, day by day.

This is one small part of an ongoing story that began years ago… Will the other parts be written? Only God knows.

Why I blog (one reason anyway)

2009-02-09T10:35:00.000-08:00

One of the reasons I enjoy blogging is because it affords opportunities for me to share what's going on in my head and my heart. I say it as I see it. Sometimes I don't see it truthfully or accurately, in fact, most of the time I probably don't, which is why I hope that anyone who reads anything here that they don't agree with, or have questions about, will feel comfortable sharing their thoughts and feelings freely, without reservation. (I promise not to be offended. I may be hurt, but it won’t last very long, and I’ll deeply appreciate your honesty in the long run.)

I don't like believing lies or half-truths. The quest for absolute truth has been a common theme throughout my life so far.

My first resource in that quest is the Holy Spirit Himself, and I call on Him frequently and passionately to examine my heart, thoughts, and motivations, and the parts of myself that I don’t see, and to “guide me in all truth,” as the Word says.

In addition to that, a great way to find out if what I believe on the inside is the truth or not, is to expose it to the light of day by writing and/or speaking about it. I’ve been in bondage to secrets my whole life, until just recently, and am now more than willing to share my innermost feelings and thoughts, even though I might be wrong, or criticized, or even rejected for it. Obviously, there are common-sense boundaries that need to be maintained, but, in light of “Sola Scriptura,” it seems to me there's a great deal of freedom to maneuver within those boundaries.

What got me thinking about this were a friend’s comments (on their blog, not mine) regarding my "The Benefits of Being Chubby" post.

Here are the comments (unchanged except for a few minor typo corrections and one clarification):

I did read [your post] yesterday...and thought about responding but in the end didn’t. Yours was a very honest post Mel, one that said a lot, it was very vulnerable and I respect that. But I disagreed with a number of your conclusions but didn’t want to hinder the transparency by engaging the issues you brought up.

Mel, I would add...that my disagreements were not very big, you just said a lot of loaded statements in my opinion. Stuff that begs some follow up...but these types of issues are so personal and close to peoples hearts...it gets too personal to quick.

*********

I’d like to speak specifically to the following points in these comments:

“But I disagreed with a number of your conclusions but didn’t want to hinder the transparency by engaging the issues you brought up.”

--- Part of the reason I try to be transparent is because I want to know if I’m on the right track or not, and also to inspire freedom of thought and expression in others. If a person wants to address something I’ve said here, I pray that they will, boldly and without fear. I whole-heartedly welcome differing ideas and opinions, and pray that God will be glorified as we all learn how to walk this incredibly treacherous road called life together, instead of in isolation.

*********

“Stuff that begs some follow up...but these types of issues are so personal and close to peoples hearts...it gets too personal to quick.”

--- I guess I’ve had so much of “aloof and detached” that “personal” sounds pretty good. It needs to be a Spirit-led and accountable version of personal for sure. As difficult as that might sound, with the help of an infinite Creator to Whom relationships are precious and valuable, in spite of the difficulty, it must certainly be possible…?

*********

Maybe I’m way off base, and if so, I know that God will correct me as His daughter. He may use people to do that. I’m enjoying learning how to communicate without fear of rejection or failure. But as with anything of value, it comes with a price. May God guide and direct my steps in all things, for His own honor and glory, according to His will, in the precious name of Christ.

Gotta Love Mustard

2009-02-07T18:26:00.000-08:00

I received this story in an email many years ago, and laughed so hard I cried. Unfortunately I was going through one of my "delete everything" phases, and ended up deleting it. Since then, I've been doing Google searches trying to find it about once every six months. Finally, yesterday, I found it! It's really gross, but it still makes me laugh until my stomach hurts. :)

**************

As ham sandwiches go, it was perfection. A thick slab of ham, a fresh bun, crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard. With the corners of my jaw aching in anticipation, I carried it to the picnic table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was stopped by my wife suddenly at my side.

"Hold Johnny (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich" she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers.

... I love mustard.
..... I had no napkin.
....... I licked it off.
......... It was not mustard.

No man ever put a baby down faster. It was the first and only time I have ever sprinted with my tongue protruding. With a washcloth in each hand I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later (after she stopped crying from laughing so hard) my wife said, "Now you know why they call that mustard 'Poupon'."

The Benefits of Being Chubby

2009-02-05T16:48:00.000-08:00

I find it somewhat ironic that I'm posting this on the same day that Pastor Eric posted about his fitness goals. Sigh... Sometimes life is like that.

I have gained 40 lbs in the last several months. I now weigh more than I ever have except for when I was 9 months pregnant. There are several benefits to this, though, and I really mean that.

For one thing, women no longer look at me like an enemy. There seems to be an unspoken, barely-acknowledged competition thing going on between women these days. Every time a woman walks into a room, every other woman in the room assesses her to see if she might be some sort of threat. Is she prettier than they are? Is she thinner? How's her hair, her clothes, her make-up, her jewelry, etc?

When I was losing weight and fitting into my smaller clothes, many of the men in my life were attentive and complimentary, and there seemed to be a wall between me and many of the women I know. It was unspoken, but it was there. Since I've gained weight, that hidden animosity has all but vanished, and the men are definitely less attentive.

For a person that struggles with pride, this is really a very good thing. And for a Christian woman/wife/mother/employee, etc, it can be a good thing as well. I no longer feel an almost insatiable desire to glance into any and every reflective surface that I pass by. And I realize that any attention I'm getting from anyone, male or female, is going more likely going to be based on who I am, rather than how I look. And, there's no possible way I'll ever be tempted to wear something outside of the house that might not exactly be God-glorifying.

I know I've been called to be a good steward of this body. And I know that when the time is right, God will motivate me and energize me towards that end. But there are still a lot of hidden areas of black, stubborn pride in my heart, and I don't think God is going to bring the weight-loss until most or all of those areas are taken care of.

A Lovely Lady to be Named After

2009-02-05T16:36:00.001-08:00

I was named after Melanie Wilkes in the book "Gone With the Wind." When I was a little girl, I hated my name, because it was uncommon. I didn't know any other Melanie's. I desperately wanted to have a more popular name, like Ashley, or Lindsay, or Jennifer. When I was in the 7th grade, I decided to start going by my middle name, which is Deborah. I told everyone at school that my name was Debbie, and went by that name for a whole year. But I found it was too much of a hassle, going by two different names, so after that year I went back to using my first name.

I'm so glad I did.

As an adult, I saw the movie "Gone With the Wind" a time or two, and then I read the book. I absolutely fell in love with Melanie's character in the story, and from then on I have been increasingly grateful for my name, and the fact that I was named after that person specifically. May God help me to become a person like that -- brave, loyal, patient, hard-working, self-sacrificing, and good-hearted to the core.

An Unexpected Gift

2009-02-05T16:15:00.000-08:00

I go walking with a very dear friend of mine once a month. Last month when we walked, he was rather down, which is very abnormal for him. After we walked, I sent him an email and told him that if he would like me to, and if we could find a quiet place away from the mainstream, I might sing to him some of the hymns that God has used to lift my heart and put a smile on my face. He responded that, yes, he would like that.

So this past Tuesday we went for our February walk. It was too cold to walk outside, so we went walking in Riverpark Square and through the skywalk system. I brought the words to several hymns with me, and we looked for a quiet place off the beaten path. But we didn't see anything anywhere that looked like it would work.

He's an inspector, so he knows the buildings in Spokane better than most, and he knew of a lobby area that is rarely visited. We went there by taking a elevator that I didn't even know was there, but when we got to the lobby, someone was mopping the floor. So my friend suggested that we take the elevator to the top floor and see what that looked like. It ended up being an entryway to a level of condos on the top floor of one of the downtown buildings. It was a small area, probably about 15X30 ft.

I've never sung for anyone, by myself and unaccompanied, before, except my own family. So I told him I was going to close my eyes and pretend he wasn't there, and I gave him the words to follow along with. I had barely sung 3 words when the elevator door chimed, and my eyes snapped open and I put my hand over my mouth, quite embarassed.

It ended up being the same fellow who had been mopping the floor in the area we'd originally intended to use. He asked us if we were waiting for someone, and my friend said, "No, we were just looking for a quite place to read something." The kind man offered to let us in to a model unit condo that happened to be just down the hall from where we were, but even if we had known it was there, we couldn't have gotten to it because the hall was sealed by a locked door. He opened the door for us, and opened the door to the model unit. It was empty, except for a table in the great room where consultations must take place with people who are looking to buy condos in that building.

We thanked him extravagantly, and I was able to sing the hymns for my friend in a beautiful room full of windows and vaulted ceilings, with incredible acoustics. My friend cried, and we prayed together, and it was such an incredible, beautiful, uplifting time. Like a cool fresh green oasis in the middle of a scorching desert. I know that it was God's gift to both of us that day. I've never experienced anything quite like it.

Only God Sees the Whole Picture

2009-01-28T10:09:00.000-08:00

From the blog “Flying Embers," posted on November 9, 2008.

(This re-post is the perfect compliment to something that was said in a recent conversation in my life, something that I wanted to write down but didn't have a chance to at the time. It went something like this: I believe that, by God's grace, every single living person should be granted to understand that they don't see everything about everything and everyone--only God does. Our perception of reality is warped, and always will be until we get to Heaven, and usually there's a very good reason why we haven't been allowed to see the whole truth in a situation. Perhaps learning how to love unconditionally and not judge people or be critical of them is one of the reasons...?)

***********

Here's Fred's original post:

In the following quote from Isaac Watts’s book “Improving the Mind”; he addresses how we should take into consideration all circumstances surrounding an action; the persons, the time, place, manner, the purpose, etc. He uses a great little illustration to make his point. Now please, dog lovers don’t be prejudiced by the first line….

“Let me give a plain instance for the illustration of this matter. Mario kills a dog, which, considered merely in itself, seems to be an indifferent action: now the dog was Timon’s and not his own; this makes it look unlawful. But Timon bid him do it; this gives it an appearance of lawfulness again. It was done at church, and in time of Divine service; these circumstances added, cast on it an air of irreligion. But the dog flew at Mario, and put him in danger of his life; this relieves the seeming impiety of the action.

Yet Mario might have escaped by flying thence; therefore the action appears to be improper. But the dog was known to be mad; this further circumstance makes it almost necessary that the dog should be slain, lest he might worry the assembly, and do much mischief.

Yet again, Mario killed him with a pistol, which he happened to have in his pocket since yesterday’s journey; now, hereby the whole congregation was terrified and discomposed, and Divine service was broken off, this carries an appearance of great indecency and impropriety in it: but, after all, when we consider a further circumstance, that Mario, being thus violently assaulted by a mad dog, had no way of escape, and had no other weapon about him, it seems to take away all the colors of impropriety, indecency, or unlawfulness, and to allow that the preservation of one or many lives will justify the act as wise and good.

Now, all these concurrent appendices of the action ought to be surveyed, in order to pronounce with justice and truth concerning it. There are a multitude of human actions in private life, in domestic affairs, in traffic, in civil government, in courts of justice, in schools of learning, etc. which have so many complicated circumstances, aspects, and situations, with regard to time and place, persons and things, that it is impossible for any one to pass a right judgment concerning them without entering into most of these circumstances, and surveying them extensively, and comparing and balancing them all rightly.”

(Here's my comment to the post, which is something that I feel still very strongly, and hopefully always will:)

I love this post! I've seen it played out in my own life over and over again. Hear a story from one person's perspective and sympathize with them, take up their offense and be offended against the person they're offended against. Then hear the same story from the other person's perspective and realize that there's way more to it than first met the eye.

Anymore, I like to tell people I consider myself Switzerland--neutral territory. It's not even worth the energy to judge or criticize someone else or be offended against them, because I know for a fact that if I were aware of every detail of the situation, I'd feel completely differently.

It's actually quite a freeing place to be... Because even if we, as humans, know every detail of a story that can be seen or understood with the human mind, there are still all of the complex mysteries involving thoughts, motives, desires and histories that only God could ever possibly know. So why not just leave it in His hands, and set ourselves to the more important tasks in our lives--loving God, and loving people... Loving, not judging. Yours in Christ, Mel

Whetting my Appetite for God's Word

2009-01-27T10:33:00.000-08:00

Chris, the author of the blog "Pilgrim in Conflict," posted a comment on a previous blog post in which he linked to this portion of the book “When I Don’t Desire God” by John Piper. Ever since I read it the first time, God has used these words of wisdom to draw my heart nearer to Himself.

************

I—(Incline!) The ﬁrst thing my soul needs is an inclination toward God and his Word. Without that, nothing else will happen of any value in my life. I must want to know God and read his Word and draw near to him. Where does that “want to” come from? It comes from God. So Psalm 119:36 teaches us to pray, “Incline my heart to your testimonies, and not to selﬁsh gain!” Very simply we ask God to take our hearts, which are more inclined to breakfast and the newspaper, and change that inclination. We are asking that God create desires that are not there.

O—(Open!) Next I need to have the eyes of my heart opened so that when my inclination leads me to the Word, I see what is really there, and not just my own ideas. Who opens the eyes of the heart? God does. So Psalm 119:18 teaches us to pray, “Open my eyes, that I may behold wondrous things out of your law.” So many times we read the Bible and see nothing wonderful. Its reading does not produce joy. So what can we do? We can cry to God: “Open the eyes of my heart, O Lord, to see what it says about you as wonderful.”

U—(Unite!) Then I am concerned that my heart is badly fragmented. Parts of it are inclined, and parts of it are not. Parts see wonder, and parts say, “That’s not so wonderful.” What I long for is a united heart where all the parts say a joyful Yes! to what God reveals in his Word. Where does that wholeness and unity come from? It comes from God. So Psalm 86:11 teaches us to pray, “Unite my heart to fear your name.” Don’t stumble over the word fear when you thought we were seeking joy. The fear of the Lord is a joyful experience when you renounce all sin. A thunderstorm can be a trembling joy when you know you can’t be destroyed by lightning. “O Lord, let your ear be attentive to . . . the prayer of your servants who delight to fear your name” (Neh. 1:11). “His delight shall be in the fear of the LORD” (Isa. 11:3). Therefore pray that God would unite your heart to joyfully fear the Lord.

S—(Satisfy!) What I really want from all this engagement with the Word of God and the work of his Spirit in answer to my prayers is for my heart to be satisﬁed with God and not with the world. Where does that satisfaction come from? It comes from God. So Psalm 90:14 teaches us to pray, “Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love, that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.”

(picture by Satashi Matsuyama, one of my favorite artists)

Feels like coming home....

2009-01-27T07:48:00.000-08:00

Contented Sigh…

Finally, finally, FINALLY (did I say finally?) -- it’s the 27th!! Woo Hoo!!

It’s SO GREAT to be back to the blogosphere! I have missed this soooo much, and have been counting down the days to this day for a whole month. I’m hoping to write and post most of the story around why I haven’t blogged for the last 30 days, but it’s going to be very tricky to write, and may end up not happening, unfortunately.

During the past 30 days, there are several blog posts from other people’s blogs that have been brought to my mind over and over again, and that I’ve tried to share the main ideas of with other people. I hope to find those posts again and post them on this blog where they will be preserved for myself and my family for many years to come, Lord willing, for the glory of God.

Also during these days, I’ve been spending time listening to the New Testament on CD in my truck during the commute to and from work. What a blessing! The dramatized audio word-for-word reading of the scriptures is contained all on one disc because of the beauty of modern-day technology in the form of MP3 files. Thank You God, and thank you New Hope, for providing this marvelous resource!

(See this website for more details: http://www.faithcomesbyhearing.com/)

At the end of the disc there were several stories shared by someone who works with this organization, stories that left an indelible mark on my soul. One of their main purposes is to get the New Testament translated (in audio form) into the languages of all of the unreached people of the world, most of whom cannot read. There are people in the world who believe the God does not speak their language, and that He has to speak to them through an interpreter. By God’s power working through them, Faith Comes by Hearing is changing that.

God has also been taking me on a journey towards loving, valuing and craving His Word more and more every day. It started years ago, when I would hear people talking about how much they craved God’s Word, and how fulfilling it was to them to spend hours and hours reading, praying and studying. I recognized the absence of that kind of craving in my own heart and life, and began to ask God to give me more of a love for and desire for His Word.

Since then, God has brought about the answer to that prayer through various methods. Blogging has been one of them, as I’ve read the words of fellow bloggers who cherish God’s Word, and who post the words of men and women of the past who also cherished it, and wrote about its value so eloquently. Then in May 2008, our family went to a theme park in Orlando, FL called “The Holy Land Experience.”

While we were there, we were privileged to hear a 30-minute lecture about William Tyndale, who was responsible, in large part, for the wording used in the translation of the scriptures known as “The King James Version.” His life was dedicated to and given for the all-encompassing vision he had to see the scriptures translated into English from their original languages. God used that lecture to open my eyes to see how much has been given and sacrificed to bring us the priceless treasure that is the Bible.

He also used the ancient truths housed in a hymn called “O Word of God Incarnate.” When I recently heard it on the “Glad: Acapella Hymns” CD, it captured my heart so fully that I soon thereafter found all of the words online and set myself to memorizing them. As I would sing those words, the Holy Spirit would turn them into a prayer resounding from the deepest part of my soul.

************

Here are the words, for anyone who might be interested:

O Word of God incarnate, O Wisdom from on high,

O Truth unchanged, unchanging, O Light of our dark sky:

We praise You for the radiance that from the hallowed page,

A Lantern to our footsteps, shines on from age to age.

The Church from You, our Savior, received the Gift divine,

And still that Light is lifted over all the earth to shine.

It is the sacred Vessel where gems of truth are stored;

It is the heaven drawn Picture of Christ, the living Word.

The Scripture is a banner before God’s host unfurled;

It is a shining Beacon above the darkling world.

It is the Chart and Compass that over life’s surging tide,

Mid mists and rocks and quicksands, to You, O Christ, will guide.

O make your Church, dear Savior, a lamp of purest gold,

To bear before the nations Your true light as of old.

O teach your wandering pilgrims by this their path to trace,

Till, clouds and darkness ended, they see You face to face.

*************

Ever since these words have been stored in my heart, the craving for more of God’s Word has been cemented. (Thank You, Father!) According to God’s infinite and holy grace, He has answered my prayer and allowed me to become of those people who would rather read His Word, or listen to His Word, than anything else on Earth.

I’ve been immersing myself passionately, whole-heartedly and joyfully in studying the history of the English-language Bible. The William Tyndale story is just a tiny drop in the bucket of the lavish, interesting, and intriguing string of events and people that God worked through to bring us the Bible as it is today. If you’re interested in reading more about it, here’s the website I’ve been reading mostly:

http://www.greatsite.com/timeline-english-bible-history/index.html

There are incredible pictures on this website of pages of Bibles dating back as far as the 1400’s and 1500’s and even earlier. They make my spiritual taste-buds water. I’ve been enjoying this study so profoundly that I’m considering taking classes at a Bible college to learn more about it, officially. The irony in this is that when I was a kid in school, I hated history. It was my worst subject. I’m so glad God has a sense of humor…

*************

One more thing… I’ve decided to try to start posting about at least some of the movies I see that I find some sort of life-enriching value in. I’ve found several great movies by looking at friends’ blogs, and I greatly appreciate it when my friends recommend good movies, especially since there are so many different films to choose from. If you’re a fellow blogger, and you notice a post on my blog about a movie you recommended on your blog, please take it as a compliment of the highest sort!

Mama Mia!

2008-12-20T12:51:00.001-08:00

We watched this movie last night, and everyone absolutely loved it. I expected to like it, but I didn't expect to enjoy it quite as much as I did. The music was beautiful (featuring the music of the band "Abba"), as was the setting--a thoroughly entertaining show! The story line was definitely not an example of righteous living, but it did open doors to communication about the lies the enemy sends regarding sex, marriage and romance.

My husband is so cute... He loves music, and after the movie he spent an hour or so online researching the band's music and history. His music collection is mostly Christian, but my mom happened to have a copy of an Abba compilation album. So after he was done browsing the web, he played some of his favorite Abba songs on the stereo. The kids spent some time with him in the music room while I was cleaning up the kitchen and listening to the goings on from in there. It was a wonderful evening of family time and togetherness. Thank You, Lord, for the blessings and beauty of simple pleasures.

Diamonds in the Air!

2008-12-20T10:28:00.001-08:00

When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining. And it was snowing. The snow flakes were the tiny, light-as-air kind that seem to be taking their sweet time making their way from the sky to the ground, and as the sun shone on them, the air seemed to be literally filled with glistening, sparkling diamonds. It was so beautiful, I could have stood at the window all morning, praising God for the incredible breathtaking beauty of His creation. Thank You, Lord!

Winter Wonderland

2008-12-19T07:57:00.001-08:00

Where do I even begin...? It started snowing on Wednesday, and it hasn't really stopped yet, not for more than a couple of hours.

I don't really mind the snow... In fact, I love it. No matter how much it snows or for how long, there's always a part of my heart that's disappointed when it stops. So this snowstorm has been a gift to my heart. That said, I wish I could clone myself and send my clones out to help everyone shovel their sidewalks and driveways, because I know that all this snow is causing a lot of problems for a lot of people. I pray that God will send kind-hearted people (like the Blauers) to help them with these needs.

This is what my mom's car looked like when we all woke up yesterday.

Yesterday I got up to go to work in the morning and was going to stop by my coworker's house to get her, because she was snowed in. Even though I was in a 4-wheel-drive Toyota truck with good ground clearance, I didn't make it more than 10 feet out of the driveway before I got stuck. I called my coworker and my boss to let them know I wouldn't be in yesterday, but then my boss called back about 30 minutes later to say City Hall was closed for the day...

This all happened about an hour after I had sent an email to a few of my blogging buddies letting them know I was going on a blogging fast. I guess God had other ideas.

Wednesday was "one of those days." A when-it-rains-it-pours day. My husband called it "miserable." He didn't say it with a bad attitude, but he did say it with a long sigh.

First the snow came and didn't quit, and there were wrecks and delays all over the region. On his way home from work, my husband's car was T-boned by a person driving too fast for conditions. Did did the other driver have insurance? Nope. And he's a business owner. How does that work? You can't see it very well in this picture, but the back door on the driver's side is pretty well smashed in. I feel sorry for Keith because he's always tried so hard and done such a great job of being a good steward of this car since bying it new in 1994.

That same day, Stephen had a little tussle with an icy sidewalk. He slipped and fell and hit his eyebrow on the hard ice. The bump was the size of a small marble when I got home from work, but by the time he went to bed, it was the size of half a golf ball. He could barely open his eye and I was concerned that we might need to brave the weather to take him to the ER. But God provided a registered nurse for us to talk to over the phone through our pediatrician's office, and by His grace we didn't end up having to leave the house, and Stephen's bump started getting better on it's own. Thank You, Lord!

I spent about 3 hours in the morning shoveling our back deck and the front sidewalk, and enjoying every minute of it. But actually, Linnea is our honorary shoveler, and it took her 5 or 6 hours to shovel our massive driveway yesterday, but her puppy, Bandit, kept her company and helped her to find joy in her work. By the time she came back into the house, she was frozen like a popsicle, tired and sore. But she had a relatively good attitude, and I was and am really proud of her. After she had a drink and some warm soup, she took a 3-hour nap on the couch, wrapped in my favorite down comforter.

Keith decided he wanted to take his car to get an estimate for the door repairs. I was whole-heartedly against the idea, but I remembered the excerpt from Fight Like a Girl that talked about not using manipulation to try to control people. So I just said, even-keel, "Sweety, I want to go on record as saying I'm opposed to this idea. I wish you would stay home."

"Why?" he asked.

"Well," I replied, "I don't want you to get into a wreck, or to get stuck."

"I've already been in a wreck."

"I know, and I don't want you to be in another one."

"And I'm not going to get stuck." (Famous last words.)

At that point I just shrugged my shoulders, and on the inside I was praying, praying, praying for God's will to be done. I realize that these weather conditions provide a manly challenge. After all, the snowy roads are something to be tamed and conquered!

However, even after giving himself a running start from the top of our relatively long driveway, his car (an all-wheel-drive Subaru) got stuck in the middle of the cul-de-sac, and several neighbors helped to dig him out.

Yesterday, Thursday, was a really great day in our home, all in all. My mom and I got all of the wrapping done. Here she is, the wrapping queen!

The gifts she wrapped are works of art - total candy for the eyes with ribbons and bows and sparkles. Mine are just standard wrapped gifts with no embelishments. But that's okay. We sang hymns and talked and had a great time wrapping together.

I'm thanking God continuously for this marvelous gift of time He's given me in these couple of days home from work. It does my heart good to be here with my family. I'm praying that His will be done in this day, in all things, by His grace, and for His honor and glory.

By the way, this is a picture of the "Twisted Willow" in our back yard. My mom told me I should take a picture of it because it and the snow formations on it look interesting.

And here's a picture of Megan, Becca and Stephen all decked out in their snow-wear, getting ready to enjoy some time in the great snowy outdoors.

Merry Christmas!!

2008-12-16T12:48:00.000-08:00

I love Christmas! The lights, the music, the scents, the yummy goodies, the Christmas cards, the special times with family and friends, the crowds at the stores, the shopping, the traditions, the church and school Christmas programs – all of it!

This Christmas season has been considerably different for me than other Christmas seasons have been. Keith is doing the shopping (Praise God!) because there’s absolutely no way that I can stay within a budget, and I have proved it over and over again. And as God has freed me from the obligation of Christmas cards and Christmas baking (Thank You, Lord!)… His Spirit, His Word, His promise, His miraculous gift… They’re all I need to be utterly overflowing with joy and peace and thanksgiving this Holiday season.

I pray God will be all my children need as well. He is, of course, extravagantly more than they need, but they don't realize it yet, and I do so hope they soon will. I pray that God will do a renewing work deep in their hearts, resetting their appetites and desires so that they will sincerely hunger for that which is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. (see Phil 4:8) And I also pray that they will be so satisfied with all that God is for them in Christ, that they will learn how to be content no matter what. We’re definitely not there yet, not by a long shot. But I believe that God has placed this delightful goal in front of us, and that by His grace alone we will continue to put one foot in front of the other as we cling to Him and to the Cross.

Merry Christmas to any who may read this! I pray that everyone is enjoying and being grateful for the good things of the season, and that the enemy will not be able to steal our joy as we celebrate God’s Magnificent Gift!

The Word of God

2008-12-12T14:16:00.001-08:00

God has been calling me back to the truth and beauty and purity of His Word. The last couple of years I’ve been on a feeding frenzy reading books and articles and blogs and websites ABOUT God’s Word. But now He’s placed a hunger in my heart for His Word alone, and I’m LOVING it!

Whenever I start to read the Bible, I do so realizing that the same Spirit that wrote the Book also resides in my heart, and is ready, willing and able to interpret it to my heart and life. My prayer is that He will use His Word more and more in every encounter, to deeply renew and regenerate my heart and mind so that love, righteousness, truth and beauty will flow through all of my life naturally. In every word, thought, attitude, action, reaction, decision, conversation, etc.

I’ve been feeling a bit of unrest lately in my Awana class, and asking God to show me the source of it. The other day I was standing in our kitchen having a conversation with my 6-year-old son, Stephen, and God opened my eyes to see what’s been bothering me. I asked Stephen a question, and in the lull between the question and answer, God showed me that Stephen wasn’t at all concerned with answering the question honestly. His whole focus was on finding the “right” answer, the answer he thought I wanted to hear.

It seems to be the same way with most of our church kids. They think all of this scripture memorization is so they can earn points for their teams and get a piece of candy at the end of the evening... When will they understand that these are the Words of the Living God? And that they are precious beyond comprehension and Something to be treasured and sought after? I know that only the Holy Spirit can do that in them, and I'm praying, praying, praying that He'll grab hold of their hearts and open their eyes.

Then the other day I was reading in Matthew and God opened my eyes to see something else. The Pharisees were scripture-soaked. Most of them had more of the Holy Scriptures memorized than any of us will ever even read. When Jesus asked them questions, they either didn’t answer at all, or they answered the question correctly. Most of the time, they answered the question correctly. They had so much of God’s Word committed to memory, and yet that Word had ever penetrated their hearts.

God used that reality to show me just how worthless a correct answer really is if it doesn’t flow from a heart that has been reborn into His kingdom.

For all of their head knowledge, the Pharisees were cold, wicked, heartless and prideful. Whenever Jesus told them a parable and they figured out that THEY were the bad guys in the story… Were they humbled? Were their eyes opened? Did they cry out “Oh my God, please help us for we are a wicked people desperately in need of your mercy and grace!” No... Far from it. Their attitude indignantly said, “He’s talking about US! Let’s KILL Him!” (What I find really scary about that, is the Pharisees truly believed they were on God’s side, and He was on theirs.)

Contrast their prideful reaction with the humble reaction of King David when Nathan told him the story of the rich man who took the one sheep of his poor neighbor and slaughtered it, instead of using one of the many sheep he owned already. (See II Samuel 12) When he found out that he was the bad guy in the story, David said, “I have sinned against the Lord,” and Psalm 51 was born by the Spirit out of a humble and God-glorifying heart.

Oh, Father God, I pray that You will give me (and my children, and any who hear Your heart in this message) humble hearts like King David. Hearts that are quick to receive your correction and quick to repent of wrongdoing. Hearts that acknowledge that You are our Source, and there is no righteousness, truth or beauty apart from You. In Jesus’ Name, amen.

A Charmed Life

2008-12-06T19:23:00.001-08:00

A charmed life. A full life. A life that does not provide very much time for blogging…

This is my family. This picture was taken in Riverfront Park in Spokane in October 2007.

Keith is 46 years old. In fact, he just celebrated his birthday on November 30th. Happy Birthday, Sweety! He and I have been married for 12 years. We celebrated our 12th anniversary on August 29th. When we met, he had two beautiful daughters, Lisa (25) and Kristina (21), and I had a daughter, Linnea (13). Then, together, we had Megan (11), Stephen (6), Rebecca (3) and Michael (2).

Here are some recent pictures of them. Some of these pictures are from this Thanksgiving.

Lisa and Kristina enjoying some sister time in the kitchen
Linnea the bookworm, reading Frank Peretti book, “The Oath”

and here’s Linnea goofing off with Michael

Megan likes to spend time with Michael, too. Here they are together

Michael has this new thing right now. He’s become quite fond of the camera, and whenever he sees it, he runs up to me and says, “Smile, please, Mom?” He doesn’t pronounce his words quite correctly yet, so the phrase comes out sounding like “My-o peas Mom.” It’s pretty darn cute.

Rebecca (the blond) with our granddaughter Alexis (the redhead, 4 years old)

Rebecca playing dress-up in a Dora dress
Here’s Stephen proudly displaying one of his more recent Tinker Toy inventions

When we met, Keith lived in this house:
He had lived there for 8 years, and we continued to live there for another 10 years after that. It was rather small for such a large family. It had 5 bedrooms and 1 bathroom, but two of the bedrooms were in the basement and had non-egress windows, and one of them was dedicated solely to storage. The house was roughly 1800 square feet.

In April of 2006, we moved to this 5 bedroom, 4 bath, 3,400 sq ft house about ½ mile away from the old one…

It’s wonderful because it’s on a cul-de-sac, so there’s no traffic to worry about, and the kids can play outside with relative freedom. But the back yard has a gate that opens up right across the street from three schools--an elementary school, a junior high school, and a high school. And it’s really nice not to have to stand in line for the bathroom. It is, however, a lot of work to take care of. It’s all good. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. But all play and no work is far worse… It makes Jack and Jill spoiled rotten ungrateful brats. It’s been a fun and exciting challenge trying to find ways for everyone to work together to get everything done to take care of what God has trusted us with.

On top of having a big family and big home with a big yard in a nice neighborhood filled with big beautiful homes (whose owners of course expect a certain level of upkeep from their neighbors), I joyfully spend a lot of time at our church, New Hope Christian Center. We’ve been attending this church since 1996, just a couple weeks after we got married. Pastor Eric’s father-in-law, Leroy Hunt, is our pastor.

I am blessed and privileged to be a member of the worship team right now, which means being at church at 8:15 or 8:30 a.m. on Sunday mornings and at worship practice on the first and third Thursdays of most months. Plus, Keith and I attend the Celebrate Recovery class every Tuesday night and teach Awana every Wednesday night. We love our church so much. She will be our church home for as long as her doors are open, which I pray will be for the rest of our lives.

On top of all of that, I work full time for the City of Spokane in this beautiful historical building across the street from Riverfront Park and River Park Square (a beautiful shopping mall). This building used to be a Montgomery Wards store.

This is my messy desk in the office I work in, the Clerk’s Office. I truly love my job, and I’m incredibly grateful for it, but there’s so much to do, that even though the four of us are working as fast and as hard as we can, we’re hardly keeping our heads above water. The full days pass by in such a blur, it sometimes actually leaves me feeling breathless.

My mom moved in with us at the end of November. It’s been awesome having her here. She and Megan, especially, have been spending a lot of time together, which has filled deep needs in both of their hearts. She is in the only bedroom in the house that has two windows in it, because she loves plants and light and beautiful things. Here she is proudly displaying some of the necklaces she’s made recently, as well as a couple of pictures of her beautiful flowers and the plants in her room.

God's richest blessings to everyone reading this, and a big thank you to my family for letting me be away from them for a few hours while I put this post together.

2008-11-24T12:45:00.001-08:00

So, so, sooooo much to be thankful for!

This is Thanksgiving week! There’s no doubt about it… I am overwhelmed with blessings. I think, if we’re honest with ourselves, most of us could probably say that. Words from one of Pastor Eric’s messages, spoken many years ago at New Hope, echo through my mind and heart…. “Why do you think He says over and over again, ‘Be thankful, be thankful, be thankful…’?” He was making a point of how God wants us to see and appreciate what He has already blessed us with, instead of constantly wanting and striving for more, and whining and complaining, and being pride-fully discontented.

I’ve been away from the computer almost entirely since checking in with some of my favorite blogs on Friday, November 14th, 2008. My mother moved in that evening, Praise God, and I’ve been trying to listen to the Holy Spirit as I’ve been seeking His help in ordering my priorities and the way I spend my time since then.

I’m working on a blog post for the benefit of my fellow bloggers who I also consider to be good friends, namely, Pastor Eric, Fred, Joseph, Chris and Dianna (in order by whom I met first to whom I met most recently). I’m hoping it will be a somewhat concise and yet comprehensive overview of my family and life, as they are right now, in writing and pictures. I’m greatly missing our blogging interactions, and am praying that God will provide a way for me to have some more time to engage in this, one of my most favorite of activities. But if that doesn’t happen, please know what a profound blessing each of you has been to me and how irrevocably my life has been changed by your influence, and God’s influence through you.

For Thanksgiving, we’re going to be going to my in-laws’ place in the mountains outside of Colville. It’s a much-needed yearly retreat away from the noise and hectic pace of my normal life, and I look forward to it with great anticipation. Tons of great food made by my mother-in-law, Nancy, and the sights and smells that go along with them… Serene, picturesque and quiet mountain scenery… Seeing and hearing my children playing together (in peace, Lord willing)… Late-night movies and games of Scrabble… Amazing wildlife and my father-in-law’s beautiful horses… Truly fresh air… The warmth of a blazing fire… Sigh… I long to be there right now.

Ooops, my lunch hour is almost over. If I don’t post this now, it probably won’t be posted until next week or the week after. There’s so much more I want to say… so much more that’s on my heart. Perhaps God will help me to remember it all at a later time. Signing off…

2008-11-10T10:53:00.000-08:00

This message spoken by Paul Washer is one of the most powerful and important messages I have ever heard:

http://pilgriminconflict.blogspot.com/2008/11/10-indictments.html

Friday night I was up very late, but still had to get up relatively early on Saturday, of course, to tend to my young children who are still a little too young to fend for themselves.

As soon as I could, I got onto the computer and the first blog I checked happened to be “Pilgrim in Conflict.” This message was posted there, along with a warning that the message is two hours long. I thought I would just listen to the first few minutes of it to catch the flavor of it, but two hours later I was still sitting there, my heart and my attention completely captured by these powerful words of truth. My husband, Keith, pulled up a chair and listened to the last hour or so with me, and we both sat there together and cried as the Holy Spirit worked in our hearts.

Yesterday, Keith played the first part of the message (the part he had missed when we were listening together on Saturday) on his laptop as he was changing the oil in our vehicles. Later he shared with me how much enjoyed this message and which parts spoke to him most deeply.

I had heard of Paul Washer on a dear friend’s blog, but had not had an opportunity to hear anything of his until now. How my heart rejoices at the truth of God that is being so bravely and powerfully proclaimed by this man!

2008-11-07T00:16:00.000-08:00

I know I’ve said this before, but it’s doubly true now… I love hymns!! My two current favorites are “Immortal, Invisible” and “The Master Hath Come.” I’ve probably listened to these two songs 30 times each in the last week.

In these times of change and preparation for change, I feel God leading me to simplify. There is such a thing as too much information. Pastor Eric’s post with the video about how we’re living in exponential times really grabbed my attention. Through it I heard God whispering that it’s time to go back to the basics. His Word. Not what other people think about His Word, or what they think His Word means, but His Word—pure and simple, and interpreted and applied by the very Spirit of God Himself within me.

And I believe He has drawn my affection and appetite towards hymns as well. The other day I was expressing to my husband how much I love them, when suddenly it clicked in my head why I love them so much, and why I believe God loves them, too.

Many of the hymns I love the most have come to us through centuries gone by. “Be Thou My Vision” was written in the 9th century. Most of the other hymns I most dearly love come from the 1600’s, 1700’s or 1800’s. The people who wrote these beautiful God-soaked songs did not have minds that were cluttered and confused by millions of megabytes of information from multiple sources every single day…

Their lives were so much more simple than ours are, and when they set their minds to study the scriptures, that’s what they did! Sometimes they would study the scriptures for hours and hours every day. Most of their world-views were utterly God-centered, and they viewed all of Creation as existing by Him and for His glory. The songs they wrote were an overflowing of the God-reality that they ate and drank and breathed all day long every day.

Being a Christian wife, mother, church member, employee, homeowner, homemaker, friend, daughter, and citizen, in today's world and this time in history—I will never have time to study and have my mind truly, irrevocably renewed by God’s Word as whole-heartedly as these people did. But praise God! He has left us with the fruit of their joyful labors! He has left us with a bountiful storehouse of concentrated, healing, amazingly beautiful truth about Himself. And all of it is set to music, which somehow seems to open the doors to my heart in ways that simple speaking never could.

May His matchless name be praised forever!

2008-11-06T22:52:00.000-08:00

Two Weeks - Two Miracles!!

1st Miracle – My mother is coming home!

My mother, Becky, lives in Pocatello, Idaho, where she has lived for 11 years. I’ve been begging her and trying every way I can think of to convince her to move back to Spokane ever since she moved away. I’ve been praying for and asking other people to pray for God to motivate her to come back. I love my mom dearly and wouldn’t be who I am today without her influence. And of course, I want my children to know her and have a relationship with her. Plus, she struggles with several different health problems, and it concerns me that she’s down there without any real family around her.

The whole reason she’s down there is to be with her boyfriend, Bob, a Native American that is paralyzed from the waist down due to an unfortunate accident that happened when he was in his early twenties.

On Monday, October 27, 2008, she called me to say that she and her boyfriend, Bob, had broken up. When I asked her if she was planning to move to Spokane, she said she was going to give it three months, and that if they didn’t get back together in that time, then she would consider moving. That was pretty much what I expected her to say, so I wasn’t too distraught. I told her that when she decided to move, I’d rent a U-Haul and drive down there and get her.

That same night when we were on the phone, I talked to her about the global political and economical climate, which she was largely unaware of because she doesn’t watch the news and doesn’t have internet access. She said she was glad to be able to think about those things, and then we hung up.

The next morning I was laying in bed in that half-dream state between being asleep and being awake. And it was like God was praying through me, planting words in my heart and in my head to pray, over and over again. The prayers went something like, “O Lord, if there truly is a global catastrophe on the horizon, please, please, please let my mom move back to Spokane before it happens.” I remember praying those prayers, but I didn’t consciously set out to pray them… They just happened.

That night my mom called again and said that she had decided to move to Spokane immediately, and that she would be giving her two weeks notice at work the next day. She had visited with Bob that day and told him what her plans were, and he insisted that he felt it was very important that she move to Spokane as soon as possible. She explained to him that if she moved to Spokane, she would probably never move back to Pocatello again, and he told her that if they decided to get back together, he would move to Spokane! (This is a miracle in itself, as I’ve sent him multiple letters in the past asking him to do that very thing, and to which he responded with so much anger that he decided he would never read any more of my letters…)

So she’s coming home! We’re preparing a room for her! I can’t wait to see her and be able to see her and talk to her and hug her on a regular basis. May God grant her traveling mercies, comfort and a calm and focused vision of where He wants her to be.

*******

2nd Miracle – God captured my father’s heart again!!

My dad, Larry, stopped going to church when I was a small child, declaring that the church was full of hypocrites. From there he began to develop his own views of God.

These are his own words about the way he has been:

“I confess that for most of my life, I have not liked God… I have blasphemed God with words beyond profanity.”

During my childhood, I remember him shaking his fist towards Heaven in anger for many different irritants--cold, snow, ice and winter... A favorite football team losing... Inconsiderate drivers... Not winning the lottery…

I’ve been praying for him for years, but trying to avoid discussions about Christianity as much as possible because they only ever led to arguments and contention.

Here’s the miracle:

Tuesday night, November 4, 2008, he called our house and said he was coming over. When he walked through the door, he had a new Bible in his hand and a 6-page handwritten letter to me detailing his “journey into the light.”

In His mercy, God opened the eyes of my dad’s heart. God captured his heart again and restored him to peaceful, joyful fellowship with Himself. My heart and spirit are awed and humbled. I could have spoken 10,000,000 words to my dad and not have affected him at all. But God turned his whole life around in one beautiful and holy moment. Thank You, Lord!

2008-11-05T12:08:00.000-08:00

One thing’s for sure… School isn’t just about reading, writing and arithmetic anymore. My kids are being indoctrinated. They come home with so much garbage in their heads. They seem so eager and so ready to believe and embrace absolutely everything they read or hear (except the truth).

This is going to be the major emphasis of our conversations at home for the foreseeable future: To instill in them that an education is important and something to be grateful for and made the most of, but that anything that goes beyond HOW to read, HOW to write, HOW to do math, etc, is something they really need to be praying about, and bringing home and discussing with us.

2008-11-05T12:02:00.000-08:00

“So this is how freedom dies, with a thunderous round of applause and great cheer.” – Padme

Keith had to come downtown and rescue me last night from my flighty absent-minded self. We decided to make the most of the situation and go to dinner at one of the downtown restaurants, since I had a gift card for it and the card was going to expire on November 6th.

While we were enjoying a lovely and delicious meal, one of the ladies sitting at a table near us received several phone calls from someone who was watching the election results. Whatever she was hearing was obviously to her liking because she kept loudly exclaiming words and phrases of victory and celebration.

Every time I heard one of these exclamations, this quote from Star Wars Episode III kept echoing in my mind and heart. I kept seeing Padme's face as she who so dearly loved freedom watched as it was thrown away by the very ones who were entrusted to protect it.

Our freedom hasn’t died… yet. But I'm afraid I can taste it coming on the wind…

2008-11-05T07:37:00.000-08:00

A Two-Edged Sword

Is everything in my life in order?

Ahem… No.

So why am I blogging again?

Well, because the first giant step towards getting my life in order has been accomplished, by God’s amazing grace. And because it’s been more than a week since this blogoholic blogged, and there are obviously lots and lots of thoughts stored up in this head that are screaming to be put into writing--thoughts that God might have had something to do with. Or at least thoughts that I don’t want to forget.

*************

Blogging is a two-edged sword for me.

It’s a HUGE blessing and resource in my life. I love to write... I love to read… I love God… I love people (all kinds of people). God loves me and purposefully created me to be someone who loves these things—he loves it that I love them! He also created me to deeply enjoy connecting with other people – people who share some of the same values, people who will encourage deep thinking, people who will inspire me and motivate me to more fully be the person God created me to be, and people who might be blessed or intrigued by something I share.

But blogging is also a very deep source of sorrow and struggle and temptation. It so easily becomes something I do because I’m seeking the affirmation and attention of people. I enjoy it so much and love it so much that I’m constantly tempted to be doing it, even when I should be giving my full attention, heart, passion and energy to something or someone else.

When I post something, whether it be a post on my own blog, or a comment on someone else’s, I have a constant desire to keep going back to check to see if someone might have read it and have appreciated it enough to leave a comment about it. When enough days go by without any reply comments, I sometimes am actually disappointed and discouraged enough to have myself a little pity party and toy with the idea of deleting my entire blog! And that would be really stupid and selfish, because truly the reason I started it in the first place was to keep a written record that could someday be shared with my kids and grandkids if my earthly life came to an end prematurely. (Pride is an ugly, nasty, distasteful, destructive thing and I can’t say in words how desperately I despise it!!)

When I sat down to type all of these many blog posts today, I did so with a very strong sense that I shouldn’t check anyone else’s blogs first. So I haven’t, even though I’ve wanted to. Because these thoughts that are in my head are mine and God’s. They may have been started or planted by someone else, but they’ve been brewing and stewing in my heart long enough that some of these thoughts are actually authentically mine. I hope and pray and believe that God has influenced at least some of them.

I have more to say, and I don’t know when that will happen, but I know I won’t be able to check anyone else’s blogs until I’m done. And I pray that God will give me the grace and strength not to check for comments either, until after I’m done.

Having the time to do this tonight is a gift from God. I either lost my truck keys or locked them in the truck this morning, because I can’t find them anywhere. So I’m sitting here in my office typing this as I’m waiting for my husband to come downtown and open the truck for me. Keith is so good about putting up with my absentmindedness, even though I know it drives him crazy. I love and appreciate my husband and am more grateful for him than I could ever possibly express.

2008-11-04T18:18:00.000-08:00

Journal Entry - A Great Weight of Responsibility

On the evening of Friday October 24, 2008, I was sitting in our family room with my young children, surrounded by a pile of clothes. The laundry was Megan’s job, but she went to a school party that night and offered to pay me $5 if I would put away the clothes for her. I started to put them away but noticed they were horribly folded, so I set about re-folding them. I don’t mind folding clothes, and it provided a good opportunity for thinking (without picking my fingers to the bone.)

As I was sitting there, I began to feel the full weight of all of what I’ve been trusted with, and the even heavier weight of the knowledge that I’m failing miserably at being faithful with any of it. God was right there with me, gently leading my thoughts. It suddenly came into my mind what I needed to do.

I called my husband and asked him if he’d be willing to take himself and the five children to his mom’s house (in the mountains outside of Colville, WA) for the weekend so I could work on getting my house (and the rest of my life) in order. I simply couldn’t handle it anymore. Every drawer and cupboard, every table and closet, every corner and room needed to be gone through and sorted.

The burden of the paperwork was especially heavy to me. We have a filing cabinet that was so full, it hadn’t been used for any new filing since 2005. We have stacks and boxes and plastic bins of paperwork that we can’t find anything in because there’s no order or organization to it at all (except sometimes a mildly consistent date order). Simply trying to find something to do with the mail was a daily burden that I didn’t want to deal with, so it kept piling up and adding to the stress of everything I wasn’t doing.

Well, my husband wasn’t able to take the kids that weekend because of several different complications. But he said he would take them to their Grandma’s the next Friday (Halloween). I spent a couple of hours on Saturday the 25th blogging, but on Sunday I felt very strongly that God had called me to a blogging fast until I got my life under control. I can’t even begin to describe how hard it was for me, and how freeing at the same time.

Every time I sat down at a computer at home or at work that week, the first thing I wanted to do was check all of my favorite blogs. But I also noticed how much more I got done without having that drain on my time, and how much clearer and more focused my thoughts and prayers were.

My husband did take the kids to his mom’s the evening of Halloween. The whole time they were gone, I felt a driving compulsion to make the most efficient use possible of every single moment. My plan was to work 24/7, only stopping briefly for catnaps when absolutely necessary, and to take a couple hour break on Sunday morning to go to church. (Which I didn’t actually end up doing because I was beyond exhausted and every single bone and muscle in my body hurt.)

I felt that I absolutely had to get through my craft room (which had become the family’s junk resting place), the filing cabinet, and the most recent stack of paperwork. Because to try to do any of those things with a two-year-old in the house would have been next to impossible and pull-my-hair-out frustrating.

So I attacked all of those things with gusto, passion, and energy. It didn’t take long, though, before my mind was almost completely numb and I was running on automatic pilot. I couldn’t even pray. So I finally put in an old favorite CD (Glad: A Capella Hymns) and God used the beautiful music and brilliant truth of those treasured songs to breathe joy and energy back into my exhausted mind, body and spirit. Not that I wasn’t still tired--I was--but at least I was able to keep going.

By the end of the weekend, everything was done that I’d felt such an urgency about. And I felt far more hopeful and enthusiastic about getting the rest of the house organized. All – and I mean ALL – of the glory and credit goes to God for what was accomplished. Every single time my stupid pride would rear its ugly head and try to take credit for what was going on, I would nearly choke on tears of frustration.

God birthed the ideas, He gave me the strength, He filled in the gaps when I didn’t know what to do next, He led me back to that awesome CD (again and again), He kept me focused, and He kept reminding me again and again that it was Him in me that was doing the work – and that I just needed to trust and rest in Him.

I want to say a special thank you to Dianna for praying for me and for her words of encouragement and admonition and for her powerful and effective prayers. Thank you, Beautiful Sister! I love you!

2008-11-04T15:31:00.001-08:00

I love my country. I’ve always loved America. Even as a child, songs like the National Anthem, “My Country ‘tis of Thee,” “God Bless America,” “America the Beautiful” and “God Bless the USA” made my heart cry out with passionate love and thanksgiving. I will be sorry to see her existence come to an end. My heart is already grieving.

I don’t think we’ll ever see another presidential election.

I’ve read in several different places that no democracy has ever continued to exist as a democracy for more than a few hundred years.

Why is that?

It’s obvious to me that the American people are ready to be done with the whole idea. We’re sick of the election process. We’re sick of politics. We’re sick of corruption in government. We question and distrust authority.

So I wonder… What do we want instead?