My dad Larry and his dog Toby

This is a picture of my dad (the little guy on the right in the striped shirt), his sister Naomi, his brother Ted, and his dog Toby. Dad considered Toby to be his dog. When Dad was 4, he was running towards the road. Toby saw that a car was coming and he ran ahead so the car would hit him instead of my dad. Toby was badly injured and had to be put down. Dad was so heartbroken, he found a secluded place in the attic and screamed and cried as loud as he could for as long as he could until he was completely exhausted.

He carried this emotional wound with him for many years. In 2nd grade, he wrote a paper about the experience, and got an A on it.

I had never heard the story until a few months ago. Dad had found this picture in a tub of junk in his house. He still doesn't have any idea how this picture could possibly have gotten into that tub of junk. But when he saw this picture, God reminded him of that experience with Toby. And he opened my dad's eyes to see that Jesus did this for all of us... He threw Himself in front of the truck, so the truck wouldn't hit us. Thank you, Jesus!

Compelled to Control

After God used "The Meaning of Marriage" to save our marriage, he used this one to completely transform it. I love my husband more than ever, and we have a marriage of true intimacy, acceptance, and safety. God is so good! I love you, Keith!

The Meaning of Marriage

God used this book to save my marriage. Learning that marriage is not about being happy, but about becoming holy, completely anchored our marriage in the deepest cement. We'd heard it before, of course, but when we read this book together (weeping most of the time), God moved the knowledge from our heads to our hearts. Thank You, Lord!

The Host - The Book & Movie

This is the first book I've ever read twice in a row. It spoke to me on a deep level and I absolutely devoured it. The words flew off the pages at me. But then...

I saw this:

We all know how when we love a book and then see the movie that was made from the book, many times we're disappointed in the movie because of all of the changes to the storyline. I noticed the changes right away, but I still feel that the movie The Host captures the essense and spirit of the book better than I ever hoped. In fact, I think I like the movie even better than the book. The only other book/movie combo I felt the same way about was The Horse Whisperer... I definitely liked the movie better than the book in that situation.

Anyway, I love the movie The Host. There's something about it that speaks to the deepest core of me. I don't even know how to explain it. I cry through the 2nd half of the movie every time I watch it, and I crave it like a pregnant woman craves Chinese food, or pickle and peanut butter sandwiches. God brought this movie into my life at a very critical time, and I know that it is He who is speaking to me and encouraging me and uplifting my spirit through it.

Realization

All my life I've had horrible trouble sleeping. Most recently, I've been waking up at 3 or 4 in the morning and not been able to go back to sleep. This has been going on for literally years. Just this past week I've finally decided to embrace the fact that when that happens, I'm literally just one big ball of kinetic energy waiting to be put to good use. Instead of laying there trying hard to fall back asleep and feeling like a failure for not being able to do so, I'm going to get up and put all of that kinetic energy to good use. Needless to say, I've had a week of very productive mornings. Yay!

I've done dishes, de-cluttered, sorted paperwork, cleaned out my purse, and now I'm actually blogging (!!!) for the first time in over a year. Yay again! It feels really fantastic!

Little girl lost

Nothing like a little personal grief and heartache to inspire my first post in over a year. I can honestly say over a year because when I just checked my blog I realized my last one was exactly one year and one day ago.

Yesterday, April 19, 2012, was one of the most difficult days I have lived through thus far in my relatively young life. It started when I saw my 16-year-old daughter Linnea in the morning. She wouldn't look me in the face, and she wouldn't talk to me or acknowledge my presence in any way. She completely ignored two direct questions.

The evening before, she had been told not to go to track after school at all for the next two weeks, but to come straight home and be home by 2:30 p.m. The evening before that, she and two of our other kids had been grounded from all electronic privileges and from sleepover privileges... Phones, movies, video games, MP3 players, staying the night at friend's houses, and having friends stay the night here.

This was brought on by a long season of them all getting more and more lax about their chores and following our household rules. Several weeks (or has it been months?) ago, we sat down with the kids and told them we were done nagging them. That they needed to help each other and work as a team to get their chores done, keep their grades up, and honor the household rules, and that if that didn't happen, we'd be moving to Plan B. We told them none of them would like Plan B very much, so it was in everyone's best interest that we all be responsible and accountable and self-disciplined (as much as possible for our flawed human selves).

Tuesday, April 17, 2012, was the day we put Plan B into action. Apparently Linnea didn't like it too well. I have to say Megan and Stephen rose to the challenges admirably and have been working hard to earn back their lost privileges, which we said could be earned back one at a time, one week at a time, by their being responsible to keep themselves on track without us having to nag them.

Will parenting ever be easy? There are a handful of people in the world who have the ability to rip my guts out, and most of them reside in this house. Dear Lord, please guide our steps and show us the way, by Your grace, and for Your honor and glory!

Ouch!

The other day (or was it the other week, or the other month? time just goes too fast!), I overheard one of my kids saying to someone else in the family that I didn't used to be the way I am now. Oh, ugh. It was nearly unenduringly painful to hear those words. And I started praying right then and there that God would show me how to get back to being the person I used to be--a person of relatively consistent faith, and joy, and optimism.

I've been going back and reading some of my own older blog posts and they've been blessing me and reminding me of where I used to be. Isn't God great? I had no idea how much of a treasure this blog would be to me when I began it years ago, with the idea that it would someday hopefully be of some value to my children.

This story reminds me of the person (Robert Robinson) who wrote the hymn "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing". I remember hearing that when he was older, he had wandered from God. In his later years, he met a lady who found out he had written that hymn, and told him how much she wished she had his faith. And he replied to her how much he wished he still had the faith he had had when he wrote the song.

Reading the third verse of the song especially lets me know that Mr. Robinson was aware of the danger that was lurking in his own heart. And I believe that God faithfully answered the prayers that were housed in this song. Even though Mr. Robinson had a crisis of faith, I believe that at the end of his life, God restored his faith and joy in his salvation.

Here are the treasured words of this favorite hymn:

Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,

Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;

Streams of mercy, never ceasing,

Call for songs of loudest praise.

Teach me some melodious sonnet,

Sung by flaming tongues above.

Praise the mount! I’m fixed upon it,

Mount of Thy redeeming love.

Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,

Till released from flesh and sin,

Yet from what I do inherit,

Here Thy praises I’ll begin;

Here I raise my Ebenezer;

Here by Thy great help I’ve come;

And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,

Safely to arrive at home.

Jesus sought me when a stranger,

Wandering from the fold of God;

He, to rescue me from danger,

Interposed His precious blood;

How His kindness yet pursues me

Mortal tongue can never tell,

Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me

I cannot proclaim it well.

O to grace how great a debtor

Daily I’m constrained to be!

Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,

Bind my wandering heart to Thee.

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,

Prone to leave the God I love;

Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,

Seal it for Thy courts above.

O that day when freed from sinning,

I shall see Thy lovely face;

Clothed then in blood washed linen

How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;

Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,

Take my ransomed soul away;

Send thine angels now to carry

Me to realms of endless day.

*******

Amen!

Secretariat - My Current Favorite Movie

Ever since I first saw my first preview of the movie Secretariat for the very first time, I badly wanted to see the movie. We hardly ever go to the theater because of the prohibitive cost, so I was very nearly holding my breath in anticipation of the release of the DVD. And I wasn't disappointed.

Keith checked out the movie at Blockbuster the day it was released, but that day I had something going on in the evening and we weren't able to watch it. However, the next day, Wednesday, January 26th, 2011, upon returning home from our Wednesday night church activities, Keith and Linnea and I decided to watch it. (The kids' school starts an hour later than normal on Thursdays, so Wednesday nights they're allowed to stay up a bit later than normal.)
Megan decided she didn’t want to watch it, because she “doesn’t like horse movies.” However, half an hour into the movie, she came into the family room and plopped herself down on the floor with a snack, intent on watching with us just while she was eating her snack. But after her snack was eaten, she remained in the room with us. And there she stayed until the very last moment of the movie! And it didn’t matter that the little kids were sleeping… By the end of the movie, my husband was crying, and Megan, Linnea and I were all cheering and clapping. And the very next day, we watched it again—twice!
So for Valentine’s Day, which was also the first anniversary of Keith and I renewing our vows, I asked Keith if he would buy the movie for me on Blu Ray, since we bought ourselves a Blu Ray player a while back, but hadn’t actually purchased any Blu Ray movies yet. So he did! And we spent several hours on Sunday and Monday, watching the movie again, and watching the extras (since the extras are no longer available to watch on most rental discs). Now I know more about Secretariat the horse than I ever thought possible, and it was so much fun getting there!

(I found this lovely painting of Secretariat on the internet, but cannot read the name of the person who painted it.)

Ugh

The last several months it's come to light that I have lost the respect of my children. At least some of them. So I've been trying to set clearer boundaries... and stick to them. The sticking to them is the tough part for me, especially when one or more or all of them are mad at me. Always the peacekeeper (not to be confused with the holy and valuable gift of being a peacemaker) I always want to do what ever I can as quickly as I can to bridge the gap and restore the relationship. Even if it means backing down, compromising my values and saying I'm sorry even if I wasn't the one in the wrong. Eek gads! I've become one of those miserable parents who wants to be their kids' friend instead of their parent. In my head I understand the difference, and the dire need my children have for a parent instead of a friend. But in my heart... That's a different story. Will someone please explain to me why what everyone says is right just feels so stinkin' wrong??
(photo from the internet)

Happy Thanksgiving!

(this gorgeous photo came to me in an email from a friend, a long time ago...)

This year, as always, there is so much to be thankful for! I pray that God will open my eyes to see ever-more fully how richly He has blessed me, and blessed us, and expand my capacity to feel the passionate gratitude that His blessings and constant presence and attention warrant!

Tonight my family is scheduled to travel to Keith's mom's place in the mountains outside of Colville so that we can spend the Thanksgiving weekend with them up there. I look forward to this trip every year... It's like a retreat! No cell phones, one very slow dial-up computer, a blazing hot living room, freezing cold bedrooms, tons of yummy food, a thousand games of Scrabble and late-night movies... I can't wait!! It's possible that we won't be able to drive up tonight because of the roads, but in that event we'll hopefully go up early tomorrow morning, as soon as the sun hits the pavement!

What am I grateful for most especially this Thanksgiving...? Hmmm... Let's see...

A God Who knows me intimately and wants me to know Him more and more every day
My family. All of them. My husband, kids, mother and father, inlaws--everyone.
A fantastic job that I love and wake up every morning looking forward to.
A church full of real, loving, committed people
A beautiful home with lots of windows that's within walking distance of all of the kids' schools
A rejuvinated marriage
relatively good health
all of my senses
And oh so much more than I could ever hope to write about here...

I pray that God will help me to be faithful with the overflowing blessings He's showered upon me, and that He will help me to bless others in any possible way, at every possible opportunity. I pray also that He will continually remind me that all of this comes from Him... I didn't do anything to earn it or deserve it--it's absolutely 100% all about His grace and goodness! May His love, light, compassion, and heart for service take root and bring forth fruit in my life. Lord, You're amazing!

A Favorite Quote from Beth Moore

I just read this quote yesterday for the first time, but it rings so true in my heart and my life and resonates so deeply in my spirit, it has already become one of my all-time favorite quotes:

"I am so frantic not to veer from the path for the rest of my days that I have become maniacal about seeking wholeness in Christ. I hope to pursue His sanctification through and through with total abandon, no matter what the future holds." (Beth Moore, from the "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things" Bible Study Workbook)

(photo from the Internet)

Honey, I'm home!

I find it hard to describe how I feel right now... How I have been feeling for the last month or so. It's as though the real me has been on vacation for many months, and, after wandering and wading through the swamp and the muck of anger, pride, confusion, disillusionment, etc., has finally found a way to come home again. Beth Moore would call it a season of sifting, which God was using, has used, and is using, to sift some of the impurities out of my heart and life.

Our church is going through a Beth Moore Bible Study right now called, "When Godly People Do Ungodly Things." And pretty much through all of the videos, and all of Beth's messages after the main video sessions, and through all of the homework, my heart and my head are nodding in total agreement and as much human understanding as I am capable of right now. It's so absolutely, utterly perfect for my life at this point, that I can see with my spirit's eye God's fingerprints and design all over the road map of my life over the last 2 years or so. He is so wonderful!

It is such a joy, blessing, and gift to be back to a place of total and complete trust in Him. I thought I was trusting Him all along, but I see now that there was some major guck in there that was keeping me from trusting Him fully. Truth be told, I'm sure there still is quite a lot more guck in there, and as painful as I know the process might be, I pray that God will quickly and efficiently set about removing whatever other impurities might be lurking the darkest and most hidden recesses of my mind, heart, and motives. In Jesus' name, let it be so Lord!

I haven't forgotten

I haven't forgotten about this blog, or about how much blogging means to me. Someday soon, or someday later, I will start blogging again. I can feel my next post growing inside me, maturing, getting ready to make its way into the world. Hallelujah! :)

So much to catch up on...

Let's see... Where do I even begin?

Keith and I renewed our vows on Valentine's Day, and the ceremony was absolutely wonderful! If you'd like to see pictures, try this link. After that, we went on a 2nd honeymoon, just for a few days, but they were fairytale days. We enjoyed each other's company more thoroughly and peacefully than we ever have before. It was so amazing to feel zero stress! Everything about those days was good.

Now we're working at getting settled back in to all of us living together as a family. While my marriage is better than I ever imagined it could be, I still find myself feeling overwhelmed by the needs of the five children that live with us. I can't possibly meet the needs of 5 different people all the time, and am trying to find a balance that works for all of us. I so desperately want to have a home that is full of peace and joy, but is that even possible? Nothing is impossible with God. I keep telling myself that, like a mantra. And I take things one day at a time and try not to have unrealistic expectations.

I was doing pretty well losing weight there for a while, until the stress started building up again. Stress and me don't seem to get along very well. Cortisol, the stress hormone, turns on all of the fat storage programs in my body, apparently. Does that mean I'll never be able to lose weight until my kids are grown up and have left the nest? Dear Lord, I do hope not.

Lisa and Kristina are both doing very well. They're happy, and in relationships with men who are very good for them, and that they are very good for themselves. Things are really working out so very well for both of them, and I'm so grateful to be able to witness it all.

I've been having a great time keeping in touch with people (including myself) through Facebook and text messaging. And sometimes on the bus I'm able to do some reading, when it's not too hot. If it's too hot on the bus, I can't read because I get motion sickness.

I know I'm rambling, but at least these thoughts are being written down before they fly the coop, so to speak.

Life is good, God is GREAT, and I'm so excited to be back with my family again, I can hardly find words to express it. Love and gratitude are simply overflowing.

I took this picture on our second honeymoon, when we went for a walk on the one sunny day we had.

Learned and Learning

I’m sitting here trying to think of some of the main concepts I’ve learned since August 3^rd, 2009, a day that will live in bittersweet infamy for the rest of my life. This is like a test for myself, to see how well I can do at remembering these ideas, without the books being right in front of me. Of course, some of what I’ve learned has already been so ingrained in my thinking that they are no longer conscious thoughts. But I still think it’s important to recall and articulate the basic principles so I can remind myself, and so I can teach them to my children. I’m going to write these things down as I think of them, so they’re not in any particular order:

Lesson No. 1: Always tell the truth, even when it’s hard or uncomfortable. I’ve been notoriously bad about hiding and/or distorting the truth of how I feel, what I like and dislike, what I want and don’t want, what I believe and don’t believe, etc, etc, etc, for the sake of preserving what I believe to be the perceptions other people have of me. “Changes the Heal” taught me the importance of being real. Jesus said “Woe to you when all men think well of you.” Well, that was me. Pretty much everyone liked me, and it was because I had conformed myself to an image of what I thought they wanted, so much so that I lost who I really was, and am still in the process of finding that lost person.

Lessons 2-? (there’s more than one lesson in this paragraph): That I am an adult, and am free to make my own choices. It is my responsibility to live with the consequences of those choices, and to allow others to live with the consequences of theirs. It’s important to be sensitive and empathetic regarding the feelings of others, while refusing to take responsibility for those feelings. A person’s feelings, thoughts, actions, attitudes, choices, desires, likes, dislikes, etc. belong to that person, and when one person takes responsibility for something that falls within the ownership of someone else, boundary lines are blurred, individuality is lost, and authenticity is threatened. People can connect in real and intimate ways with other people most effectively when they are honest and transparent first with themselves, and then with each other.

I suppose I should post this now, considering I’ve been working on it off and on for three days. J There’s a lot more that I’ve learned these last few months, and I hope to record those lessons as well, as they come to mind. (Photo from the Internet, added on 2/8/10)

Thank you

Thank you Everyone for the welcoming, gracious, supportive and encouraging comments. I have missed you all so much. I nabbed this picture from an email someone sent me this morning... Isn't it beautiful?

Please pray for my daughter, Megan. She's in the hospital. I can't share more than that because she swore me to secrecy, but let's just say that she - and we - desperately need to see God's grace and glory revealed in this situation.

Many blessings and grace and peace to all of you and your families. I will post when I can. The posts without pictures are the ones I'm posting via email, and pictures don't come through that way for some reason.

Until we meet again... :)

Something new to look forward to

One of the biggest changes in the way I think and feel is that I really, really want to be a stay-at-home mom. I’ve haven’t wanted that in a long time, if ever. Basically, the idea scared me half to death. For many years I’ve been clinging to my work as my lifeline to sanity. I feel competent and confident at work in a way that I never have at home – as a wife, a mother, or a homemaker. However, after reading two fabulously incredible books, “Changes that Heal” by Dr. Henry Cloud and “Boundaries in Marriage” by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend, I feel far more ready to face and embrace the challenges, hard work, and rewards that necessarily go hand-in-hand with such a life. (photo from the internet, added on 2/8/10)

Rethinking Already

After I published that last post, I decided to invite my closest friends and family to read my blog, if they want to. And if they don’t want to, that’s totally okay, too. Whomever reads this, my prayer is that your life is being flooded with the grace, peace, abundance and vitality of Christ! (Photo from the internet, added on 2/8/10)

A Blog that is a journal - for real!

This is my first post in a long time. It feels foreign. But the biggest change is that I'm posting just for myself instead of other people. And the biggest reason is because I don't want my blog to be deleted or deactivated due to extended periods of not being used. I've invested too much time and thought into this blog to allow it to be deleted.

Keith and I will be renewing our vows at 3:00 p.m. on Valentine's Day 2010 at a teeny tiny service in our home. Our family and some of our closest friends will be there. After that, he and I will be departing for a little bit of a honeymoon in Coeur d'Alene. I anticipate doing a lot of sleeping that first night, because I will be so exhausted from moving out of my apartment and back into the house the week before the ceremony.

I am so excited for our new life together to start!

God is so good. I love You, Lord! :)

Changes, Changes

Katrena took this picture in Riverfront Park, just a few weeks ago, just a block or two from where I sit writing this.

On Monday August 3, 2009, I moved out of the house. On Friday, August 14, 2009, I moved in to a little apartment about 10 minutes from the house. I don't have a computer there, and I don't want to get one. It's been so great to spend time with people face to face, and not to feel constantly torn by conflicting desires and emotions. And since I'm not supposed to use my work computer for personal matters, either, I guess this is it for blogging for the foreseeable future. If anyone wants to stay in touch, my email address is tweeten1@yahoo.com, and I'll probably be checking it about once a month.

I wish every single reader of this blog an abundance of all of God's richest blessings, favor, presence and protection. My season of blogging has meant the world to me, and perhaps someday I'll return to blogging for another season. May God's will be done in all things, by His grace and for His honor and glory, in the precious name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.