I tried really hard to get Michael to smile for the camera, but I think he thought I looked pretty weird with that big black thing (the camera) in front of my face. This is the best I could do.

Think we should nick-name him "Cheeks?"

The week after we got back from our Thanksgiving visit up north, my mom came to our house for her first visit in over two years. We spent a lot of time chatting and watching movies, and she, of course, enjoyed cuddling her newest grandson.

We went to Pocatello in July for a short but fun visit with my mom. This picture was taken at the local zoo.

Alexis and Kristina in Spring 2006... Aren't they cute?

Linnea and Becca, spending some sister time together last summer.

Grama, Kristina and Alexis came to Spokane for a visit in the spring so that Kristina could attend training for her job as Postmaster. Here's a picture of Megan and Alexis that was taken during their visit.

Here's a picture of Kristina sledding with her daughter, Alexis. It snowed about 10 inches the Sunday after Thanksgiving, which gave all of the children a chance to practice their sledding skills. Grandma and Papa have a great sledding hill right outside their front door which made it pretty convenient, to boot.

We have been very busy the last few weeks. We went to Keith's mom's house for Thanksgiving and stayed there a week. This picture of Linnea, Rebecca and Lisa was taken while we were there.

This picture of Michael was taken today, December 18, 2006. He'll be three months old on the 26th of December. So far he is a very happy, content baby. (Thank You, Lord!) He sleeps and eats well, and lets Mommy get things done. He's pretty fun to look at, too, with all of his cute chubby-ness. He weighed in at 16 1/2 lbs. at his 2-month check-up. Future linebacker, perhaps?

This childbirth experience has been a gift from God since day 1. It started on January 13th when my husband e-mailed me that he wanted to have an impromptu date night that night. As I read the e-mail, I heard God whisper to my spirit that He was going to bless us with another child that night. I knew if I did end up getting pregnant, it would have to be a God thing, because it was the completely wrong time in my cycle, and we were still using birth control. Those obstacles are nothing to a mighty God, however, and now here we are with a beautiful new baby boy at home. Thank You, Lord!

My Story, Part 2

After I moved back to Pocatello, I spent a lot of time looking for work. I tried telemarketing (selling coupon books, a job that I hated and was only able to make myself do for about a week), working for Pizza Hut as a waitress and conducting telephone surveys. In my spare time, I went to the library and checked out and read every single book I could find on pregnancy and parenting. I wanted to be the best mother I could possibly be, and I didn't feel prepared. Because I'm an only child, I didn't have much experience with babies or young children.

When I was 7 or 8 months pregnant, my mom and I moved into a neat but rather expensive apartment across the street from a church. I'd been feeling God saying to my heart that He wanted me back in church ever since I'd moved back to Pocatello. But I didn't really want to go. I intended to go and knew that I wanted my child to attend church, but every Sunday I came up with some excuse not to go. I was too tired, got to bed too late, woke up too late, had other things to do, etc. Finally, during the last few weeks of my pregnancy, I heard God telling me that I wasn't going to have the baby until I had started going to church. One Sunday when I was three days past my due date, there was no way I was going to miss another opportunity to go to church. So my mom and I went, and lo and behold! -- I went into labor during the service! Talk about confirmation!

While I was pregnant, I was not able to find out what the baby's gender was. The one ultrasound I had did not reveal it. I desperately wanted a girl, but I was afraid it was going to be a boy, and everyone kept telling me they thought it was going to be a boy, so I kept telling God that if it was a boy, He was going to have to help me love him and raise him. When Linnea was born and I found out she was a girl, it was the only time through the entire labor experience that I actually cried. Thank you, Lord! She was born in the wee hours of the morning on June 19, 1995.

Adjusting to parenting was a huge transition. I remember waking up multiple times at night during those first few weeks and wondering how I was going to maintain my sanity. I still believe that it's only by the grace of God that any parent is able to survive those first few months of sleep deprivation and have very little time to do anything else besides care for the baby. But every day was a blessing and a learning experience, and I wouldn't trade a single moment of it.

Not long after Linnea was born, I was doing laundry at a local laundromat and met a woman named Mary who invited me to her church. It was a very small Baptist church of 45 or so people that met in a conference room in the local Holiday Inn. I started going to church there and realized how vital it is to go to a church where intimate relationships can be formed. It was truly the first time I'd experienced the term "church family" to its fullest extent and my life will be forever enriched because of their influence.

It was during that time that I decided to go back to school. I didn't want to ever have to be dependant on a man for my livelihood, and I wanted to be able to raise Linnea well even without the added income being married could offer. In order to accomplish that, I felt I would have to have a degree. So I decided to pursue a degree in Management Information Systems at Idaho State University. Mary, the woman who had first invited me to the Baptist church, agreed to watch Linnea for me during the days. She and her children watched Linnea for me every weekday, all day long, throughout the first semester of school for a total of $800. It was such an indescribable blessing knowing that Linnea was safe and well cared for.

Another blessing came in the form of a car. I had a limited amount of student loan money, and with it I had to buy a computer, a car, daycare for Linnea, books and other school supplies. After I had done everything else, I had $1,000 left to spend on a car, but it had to include tax, title and registration fees. I asked God to help me buy the car He wanted me to have, and to stop me from buying any other car. I test-drove or attempted to test-drive four different cars. The first one, my mechanic said "This this is worn out--No way!" The second two both completely quit running even though they had both been running just fine until then. I mean, I turned the keys to start the cars and there wasn't even the faintest twinge of a response either time--not even people who worked in the car lots were able to get a response out of them, and they were completely stumped. But I knew that it was God intervening on my behalf. The car He led me to purchase was a 1982 Nissan Sentra station wagon with 198,000 miles on it. It was red, dented, with many areas in which the paint was almost entirely worn off. One of the doors in the back didn't open, the trunk door didn't open, the rear wipers and defrost didn't work.

But the car was the perfect price, it was legal, and it got 40 miles to the gallon. I always knew that God had given me that particular car for a very special reason, and I always felt protected and blessed when I was in it.

Sometime during those first weeks of school, I made a very firm and life-changing promise to God and to myself. I realized that I had no ability in myself to choose a good man. So I told God with all of my heart that I would much rather be single for the rest of my life than to be with someone that it was not His will for me to be with. And I was completely commited to the idea that unless I knew with 100% certainty that it was God's will for me to be with someone, I would not be with anyone.

That's not to say, however, that I didn't want to be married. I deeply desired to find that person that God had in mind for me, and I didn't want to tie God's hands in any way by keeping doors shut that He might have wanted to use as an avenue to bring us together. So I didn't isolate myself, and I tried to keep my options and mind and heart open to the leading of the Spirit.

While I was in school, it was the first time in my life I had access to the internet. One day while I was browsing, I stumbled across a website that offered a free and safe classified service. It had 60,000+ subscribers. It wasn't just for people who were looking for romantic relationships, but also for people who were looking for friends or penpals. So I put an ad on that website, and not long after that, Keith sent me an e-mail response to my ad. If I remember correctly, we started e-mailing in March or April of 1996.

We e-mailed every day that I had access to the computer room at the school, and pretty soon we started communicating by phone. My mom and I didn't have a phone at that time, so I would walk a block or two to a nearby gas station and use their phone. One night Keith and I talked for 6 hours, from 10 p.m. to 4 a.m. We also exchanged pictures through the mail and one time Keith sent me a cloth rose and some tapes he had made of his favorite Christian music. At that time, he had several hundred Christian music CD's, and Christian music is still one of the greatest passions of his life. As we grew to know each other better, we were both astounded by how much we had in common and how each of us seemed to be exactly what the other one was looking for in a partner.

In May of 1996, my mom lost her job. I had just finished my first semester of school and was getting ready to start the next one. My mom and I have both always had a tendency to be unwisely spontaneous, so after she lost her job we threw caution to the wind and decided to move to San Francisco, CA. We sold everything that wouldn't fit into my little Nissan and headed down the road.

When we got to American Falls, ID, about 30 minutes outside of Pocatello, the clutch began to act funny. So we stopped at a hotel, got a cheap room (we had been up all night packing and really needed to sleep, anyway) and after a nap we unloaded half of what was in our car. We gave some of it away and sold some of it. After the weight was somewhat lifted, the car did better. We didn't have any more trouble until we were on the Interstate about an hour west of Boise. Then the clutch gave out completely. It was the middle of the night, and we slept in the car on the side of the freeway all night. It seems ridiculous, but I wasn't the slightest bit afraid. I knew that God was watching out for us and had a very strong sense that He was directing our steps.

The next morning at around 10 a.m. I made a large sign out of 4 pieces of paper that said "HELP" in all caps written in neon pink, with one letter per page. I taped it to the back of the car, and within minutes a state trooper pulled over and helped us. He radio'd for a tow truck to tow us to the next town in Oregon, which I believe was called Baker City. The first thing I did after we got our hotel room was to call Keith and tell him what was going on, and he and I spoke several times while we were in that town.

We ended up staying there for a couple of days until our car could be fixed. By the time we paid for our hotel and the car repairs, we only had $30 left. So I called Keith again and told him the situation, and he suggested that instead of trying to continue on to California, we should move to Spokane. He and I had already been talking about getting married anyway, so it seemed like a great plan. That day Mom, Linnea and I set out with a new destination. Throughout the whole experience, I had such a strong sense that the hand of God was directing every step we took, and to this day I still believe with all my heart that He brought us to Spokane. It was so amazing how we had just enough money left over to pay for the gas we needed to get there.

Once we got to Spokane, we took one of the downtown exits and used a pay phone at a Texaco station to call Keith. He gave me directions to his house. After freshening up in the bathroom at the station, we set out for the final leg of the journey. I have never felt so nervous or so sick in my entire life, and I pray I'll never have to feel that way again. The pain in my stomach and the shaking in my entire body grew worse the closer we got. I was afraid Keith wouldn't like me, or that I wouldn't like him, when we finally met each other face to face. I'm sure I was afraid of other things, too, but I can't remember what they were now.

When we pulled up in front of the house on Skyview, Keith opened the door and he and his children, Lisa, 13, and Kristina, 9, whom I had spoken to on the phone several times before, came out onto the front lawn to greet us. (As a humerous little side-note here, one of the first things Lisa ever asked me on the phone was what size shoe I wore and if I might ever like to trade shoes with her.) Even though it was excrutiatingly uncomfortable, we all hugged each other and exchanged pleasantries. Then Keith took us all out to eat at the Old Country Buffet, but we were all so nervous that the only people who ate much were my mom and Linnea. Nobody else had any appetite at all.

Mom and I and Linnea lived in the basement of Keith's house for a while, but it wasn't long before we moved into one of the bedrooms on the main floor. Keith and I spent many hours together during those first few weeks, talking and getting comfortable with each other in the physical realm, even though mentally, emotionally and spiritually, we knew each other quite well already. Pretty soon we set a date to be married. There was never an official proposal, we just both knew we were going to be married and we started planning the wedding.

That summer, my father moved from Pocatello to Spokane. It was so nice to have him nearby, and so nice to have him at our wedding.

The wedding was held outside in the courtyard of a community church in Inchelium, WA., on August 29, 1996. We had it there because I really wanted Keith's stepfather, George, to be at the wedding, and I didn't think he'd come if we had the wedding in Spokane. (Keith's mom, Nancy, and her husband live in Rice, about 45 minutes outside of Colville.) Plus, a lot of the rest of Keith's family lives in that area, and we thought it would make it easier for them if we had the wedding up there. It was a beautiful day and the wedding seemed perfect to me. The song we chose to be played is "If You Could See What I See" by Geoff Moore & the Distance. (If you've never heard it and would like to, let me know. I have a copy you can borrow.)

Thus began our lives together as Mr. & Mrs. Keith Coe, and what an exciting adventure it has been!

to be continued...

Over the years, many people have encouraged me to put my story in writing. I wanted to do it now before I forgot the details. Today is June 15th. I haven't posted anything on my blog in a while because I've been working on this since May 31st. A friend of mine encouraged me to just get it done, and volunteered to keep me accountable by having me send it to her in chunks as I got them completed (Thanks, Janet!). I'm going to have to break the whole story down into multiple parts. This is the first part. I'm not sure how many days or weeks it'll take me to get the next part finished, but if you want to keep checking back every few days, I'll try to get it done as soon as possible. Thank you for reading this and allowing me to share it with you. God bless!


My Story, Part One...

My early years were pretty uneventful. I was born again at the age of 3 and spent my childhood with an awareness that God is my friend, is all powerful and is everywhere all the time. I spent most of the first 14 years of my life in Rockford, Illinois, where we attended a Baptist church off and on. My dad stopped going to church when I was a young child, probably 8 or 9. When I was 14, we moved to Pocatello, Idaho. We didn't go to church at all after we moved there. I tried to get myself to youth groups at different churches every once in a while, but didn't have the dedication to keep going.

When I was 15, I met Jimmy. He was 21. We met at a haunted house where we were both working. I was a "guide" and he was an "alien." I soon became deeply infatuated with him.

My mother, who was romance-starved, encouraged the relationship, and I think she enjoyed being around us because it reminded her of more romantic times in her relationship with my dad. My father disapproved of my relationship with Jimmy and told me it was foolish to be involved with him. But I was too infatuated to care, and since my mom was supportive, it made it easy for me to ignore what my dad was saying.

While Jimmy and I were dating, my mom and dad divorced. My mom wanted romance--my dad just wanted friendship and companionship.

After my mom and dad divorced, Jimmy and I and my mom all lived together. We moved 20+ times in a very short period of time (I think it was a little over a year), sometimes staying with friends or living in tiny studio apartments. My mom was busy living the teenage years she never had when she was a teenager. She met and dated lots of different guys. She never drank, smoked or did drugs, though.

Jimmy and I got married when I was 16. My mom went to Las Vegas with us and signed the paperwork, and she sang "The Lord's Prayer" at our wedding. Our relationship was rocky, however, and we ended up separating about 2 months later. We didn't get a divorce right away because neither one of us had the money for the filing fee. I still remember the incredible relief I felt when I was finally able to say goodbye to him. I had tried to leave him and failed at least 6 times before I was actually able to make it stick.

After Jimmy and I separated, life was full of just trying to survive. My mom and I were both working at an answering service and I was still in high school. During that time I dated two different guys. After I broke up with the second one, I was completely ready for a change. In addition to the break-up, I had been working and going to school and the combination tired me out. Because of being so tired, I missed a lot of classes. In that school, if you missed more than 9 days in a semester, you lost credit for that semester and had to re-take the class the following semester. It was the last semester of my senior year, and I had already lost credit in 4 of my classes. So I decided to drop out of school and go back the following fall to finish.

So here I was with no real vision or goal or purpose (that I knew of), and one day I heard a commercial that said that men outnumber women 10 to 1 in Alaska. So I got this crazy idea that I could go to Alaska and work as a waitress and make a lot of money in tips. Then I remembered that I had read in a book somewhere that the Eskimos know how to make white leather. So I decided I was going to go to Alaska, work as a waitress, save up money and head north to live with the Eskimos and learn how to make white leather. (Are you laughing yet? I was totally set in this plan, believe it or not...)

I didn't have any money, and my mom didn't have much either, and I knew I'd have to get there on my own. So I told my mom that I was going, and she helped me by pawning our stereo and some videos so I could have some money to buy some travel supplies. That same night, just before sunset, I took off down the road, hitch-hiking north. I had $20, a back pack stuffed with a change of clothes, a flannel sheet, travel-sized shampoo, toothpaste, deodorant, etc, journal, and some other stuff I can't remember.

I walked for about 3 hours until it was completely pitch black. I was walking on the freeway, and finally a guy in a tiny Toyota pickup picked me up and took me as far as the Flying J Truck Stop about 7 miles down the road. There were a boat-load of trucks idling there for the night, so I started knocking on cab doors until I found a trucker that was headed to Canada, and I asked him if I could ride with him. He said yes and invited me into his truck to spend the night. (Are alarm bells going off in your head? Yeah, mine too.)

If you've never been inside one, some of the bigger long-haul trucks with the really extended cabs actually have mini-apartments inside them. This one did. There was a full-sized bed, a fridge, stove, microwave, cupboards, closet, etc. There was a tiny little walkway between the fridge/stove/microwave area on one side and the closet area on the other. I made myself a bed on that walkway with my flannel sheet. I might have had a travel pillow with me or I might have used my arm for a pillow. I can't remember. At any rate, he turned off the light and I laid there trying to go to sleep.

A few minutes later the truck driver invited me to get into his bed with him. I told him no. My heart started hammering. He began to get persistent. I kept saying no, and then, sure I was about to be forced into doing something I didn't want to do, I prayed in my head. "God, please help me out of this." I felt very hypocritical asking that when I was the one who'd gotten myself into the mess in the first place, but it didn't stop me from asking. And the second I prayed, the driver's pager went off.

He cursed, got dressed and headed into the truck stop to use the phone. I sat on the floor trying to calm my racing heart. He came back a few minutes later and said, "Change of plans. You won't be able to come with me after all. I'm going to Colorado instead of Canada." I thanked him for his hospitality and willingness to help me out, packed up my flannel sheet and headed out the door, thanking God with all my heart for His instantaneous answer to my prayer.

But did this close call deter me from my plan? Not at all. I started knocking on more truck doors. Within a few minutes I'd found another person who was headed into Canada and he said I could ride along with him. He was much older and reminded me of my dad, and he had a dog. His truck had a much smaller cab than the other driver's truck had, with just a bed positioned directly behind the two front seats. I slept in the passenger seat all night.

Two days later we arrived in Sweetgrass, Montana and were trying to decide what to do about getting me across the Canadian border. It quickly became apparent that we would have to part ways. So we said goodbye, he headed towards the area where his truck was to be searched, and I headed into the border patrol office.

I explained who I was, where I was headed and what my plan was. The officials on duty that day understandably thought I was nuts, and they called my mom in Pocatello. They asked her if she wanted to declare me a runaway, and if she did they would just have me driven back down to Pocatello in a patrol car. She asked to talk to me. She asked me if I wanted to come home. I told her I didn't. So she told the border patrol employees that she wouldn't declare me a runaway. They were reluctant to let me to, but they had no legal grounds to hold me. They wouldn't, however, allow me to cross the border into Canada. They told me if I came back with $300 and a bus ticket to the northernmost province in Canada, they would let me cross, but not until then.

When I walked out of the office, I really had no idea what to do next. I prayed as I walked. (Believe it or not, I talked to God on this trip, just as I had my whole life long. And many times I felt His presence with me and could sense the Holy Spirit talking to me, sometimes so clearly that it was almost audible. Many times He directed my steps as clearly as if He had drawn out a path on the ground for me to follow.)

Soon I came to a casino/restaurant. I went inside. The owner gave me a job for the afternoon, waiting tables and cleaning. He also gave me a meal. At the end of the day he paid me $20 and told me of a woman he knew in Sunburst, MT., about 8 miles south of Sweetgrass, who had been known to take in runaways before. He asked me if I would like him to call her, and I accepted his offer gratefully.

He called her and she came and picked me up. She lived in a good-sized house with her husband, son, and her son's fiance. She also had another teenager living with her named Rita. She took me to her house and gave me a room to sleep in on the 2nd floor of the house. It was warm, comfortable and safe. She and her family were so good to me. They freely shared everything they had with me and didn't ask for anything in return.

The following day, Judy asked me if I wanted to enroll in the high school that was there in Sunburst, called North Toole County High School. The idea of finishing my senior year that spring and graduating on schedule was very appealing to me, so we went to the school and found out that I was eligible to enroll and finish. If I had gotten there 3 days later, it would have been too late. When I heard that, I felt such a strong sense of having been lead there by God Himself, and I thanked Him whole-heartedly. I still do.

I stayed with Judy and her family until school was out. They never asked me to pay rent or do chores, but I did try to help out in whatever ways I could.

I graduated in a class of 8. The school I had dropped out of in Pocatello had a graduating class in the 350-400 range. For me, graduating in a class of 8 was much better. I'd never been a person to enjoy large crowds or large audiences.

After graduation, I moved 24 miles south to the town of Shelby, MT. I was living there when I got drunk for the first time and tried pot the first time. I also tried cigarettes, but I threw up after the third one and that was the end of that. (Thank you, Lord!)

I worked various different jobs there and had several different apartments and several different boyfriends. At one time I was working full time at a grocery store during the day, making pizzas and doing the store's bookkeeping. At night I worked full time as a graveyard waitress at the Town Pump truck stop and restaurant. During those few months, all I did was work and sleep, but I had a lot of money. On my days off, I had a great time spending all that cash. I wish so much that I had been more wise with that money and saved it instead of spending it on worthless junk. Obviously, by now the vision of going to Alaska had pretty much died, or I would have been saving my money towards that. It's a good thing I didn't end up going there, because I wouldn't have liked Alaska very much. I don't like to be cold, and I would have gone crazy during the long dark months.

I wasn't able to keep up with the 16-hour work days for very long, because I was utterly exhausted. So I eventually quit my job at the grocery store and just kept the job at the truck stop. While I was working there, I met a man that I became very infatuated with. He was a biker and 17 years older than me. After just a couple weeks of knowing each other, we moved in together. He had two children, a son that lived with us and a daughter that he saw every other weekend. He drank a lot and would stay out very late at night and come home drunk. We lived together for a month or so, and then I found out I was pregnant.

I was thrilled to be pregnant, but when I saw that positive pregnancy test, I could hear God's voice saying to my heart, loud and clear, "You've had a chance to do things your way. It's time for you to come home now. Come back to Me." I knew I didn't want this child to be raised by a father that drank all the time and came home at all hours of the night. I also knew I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with someone who didn't share my faith.

Three days later I left Montana on a bus and went back home to Pocatello. I had lived in Montana for approximately 6 months.

James 1:22 "But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves."

The Bible says that if we hear the Word of God, but don't DO it (apply it, obey it, practice it and live it out in action), we're deceiving ourselves. I truly hate to be lied to or deceived in any way by anyone or anything, but what's really sad is that many of us do it to ourselves.

When I learned this, it really set me free in so many ways. Before I truly grasped this concept, I would read the truths of the Bible and receive them with a sort of reservation, thinking that perhaps this or that truth or this or that command didn't really apply to me or to the time we're living in. And thinking that way really kept me from living in the freedom and power that God longs for in all of His children.

How many times have we read a passage or heard a message, thought to ourselves, "Wow, that's good," and then gone on about pursuing our desires without ever taking a step to implement what we learned?

Ever since I truly understood this truth and received it into my being, the Bible has come alive to me in a fresh, real and relevent way. Also, I am more attentive to my pastor's messages, Christian books and Christian music than I have ever been before. I read and listen with eagerness, hungry for more of God and more of His truth. I trust that He will show me the areas in my heart and life are displeasing to Him, and I pray that I will be responsive enough and responsible enough to act immediately to allow His holy fire to cleanse and purify me.

Since the beginning of this year, 2006, God has been doing amazing things. Real, personal, powerful moves of His Spirit in my life, in my family, in my church, and in the lives of many people I know. From my perspective, it started when the leader of my home group said that he felt God speaking to him that things have stayed the same because he (the home group leader) keeps doing the same things. If we want things to be different, we need to change what we're doing. So he is going to be making some different choices this year. (He's already made some changes in his life, and has seen God move in his life in many powerful ways because of it.)

That same day, a challenge was issued to our home group, encouraging everyone to be faithful to meet at the church for prayer before the service on Sunday mornings. For years, our pastors have been encouraging our congregation to gather for prayer, and for years the numbers have been dismal. And honestly, I believe the biggest reason that so many people don't go is because they really don't want to. Most of us will find a way to do the things we really want to do. And for most of us, any excuse is good enough to not do something we really don't want to do.

Prayer is vitally important in the life of any believer. Prayer and Bible study are two of the most effective ways to learn to know God more intimately. They're not the only ways, but they are very important.

The following Sunday at our leadership potluck after the morning service, the same call to prayer was shared with all of the leadership who were in attendance. The following Sunday, there were more people in prayer than there had been ever before. When we had been seeing 8, 10, 0r 12 people before then, that day we had 38 people in attendance! Praise God! And ever since then, there have consistently been at least 20 people there, and usually more than 30.

Not long after that, another member of our home group, along with another member of our church, started meeting at the church for prayer early on some weekday mornings. Those prayer meetings have grown also, and now there are several people meeting faithfully for prayer at those times.

As people are praying, things are happening. Our youth pastor is going to start his own church. Hallelujah! While some people are disappointed or uncomfortable with this (change, after all, is uncomfortable for most people), I am so excited to see God moving in this way. Our church is not dividing, it's multiplying! And I can't wait to see the fruit that this move of the Holy Spirit is going to bring about.

I believe 2006 is a year of change, and in my heart, the title of this year is "The Year of Abundant Life!". I can't wait to see what's going to happen next!

What do you do when you want something desperately and can't have it? Do you pout? Do you sulk? Do you yell? Do you try to manipulate to get your way? Do you sink into the pits of depression, defeat and/or discouragement? Do you pray? Do you seek the truth of God's Word? Do you seek the wisdom, counsel, encouragement or constructive criticism of Christian friends?

I had a personal experience with this recently, with something I wanted so desperately that I felt like I would go crazy or die if it didn't happen. That was my first clue that something was wrong. When someone wants something that badly, my belief is that it's a desire that hasn't been put under the cross and has reached unhealthy and unbalanced proportions. So on Saturday (March 25th) I was praying and talking to God about it. At first I begged Him to just make it happen. But I also was asking Him all along to guide my prayers, my thoughts, my desires and my feelings by His Spirit.

Linnea noticed that I was crying and asked what was wrong. I told her what I was feeling. Then I asked her what she thought. And God really used her words to bring a new perspective to my mind and heart. After our conversation, I felt a profound peace, that God is in control and He is guiding our steps. When and if it's the right time for this to happen, God will unite our hearts about it. Until then, I will wait on Him and trust Him completely, as always.

I originally posted this on 3/27/06. And then a very dear friend whom I trust whole-heartedly gently recommended to me that my choice of words might not have been the best. So I pulled it off and after prayer and thought, I have revamped it and am re-posting it today, 4/7/06.

At first I thought about just pulling it and leaving it pulled, but it's important to me to write this down for myself and for anyone else who might benefit from it, in order to call attention to some things. First, I don't believe that pouting, whining, a critical spirit, negative assumptions, cynicism, sarcasm, judgment and manipulation are part of God's plan for the relationships between His children. I hold fast to the simple yet difficult concept that a huge part of my calling as my husband's wife, the mother of our children and the female half of the leadership in our home, is to speak the truth IN LOVE, and to consistently pray for God's perfect will to be accomplished in our family, relationships and individual lives.

Secondly, I believe that as we whole-heartedly seek God's will and purpose for our lives, He will help us to want the things He wants for us. More and more in my Christian walk and in my life in general, I'm seeing that human beings typically follow the paths of their desires and wants. So my prayer every day, multiple times a day, is that God will shape my wants and my desires so that they will mirror His. And I can feel the power of His Spirit changing my heart and working in my life. All glory be to His matchless name forever!

Lukewarm Faith

This disturbs me greatly. In Jesus's message about those who cast out demons and did miracles in His name, and yet were cast into the Lake of Fire, those people were obviously expecting to go to Heaven. I believe whole-heartedly that there are millions of people in the world who would call themselves believers, who have said "the sinner's prayer", who are expecting to be in Heaven for all eternity, who will be sent to the Lake of Fire because they didn't really give their lives to Christ. My heart goes out to them! I want to find any and every way I possibly can to make God's Words and His Heart known to these people who believe they are safe and yet are so very far from it. No wonder being lukewarm is worse than being a total heathen.

Feet Firmly Planted on the Road to Life

I guess the most urgent feeling I have right now is that life is short, time is slipping by, there are hundreds of people within our circle of influence that are lost and on their way to hell, or lukewarm and possibly on their way to hell. We have this one life to live and to be faithful with, and a huge part of that is sharing God's message of hope and holiness with the world around us. When we get to heaven, heavenly things will be all that matter for all the rest of eternity. I want to serve others and to reach out and be God's hands in any way that He graciously allows me to be. I don't want to waste a second of my life doing anything other than what God wants me to do.

What God wants me to do is a lot. He wants me to pursue Him, to know Him intimately, to love Him more than anything or anyone, and to fear Him as much as I love Him (which manifests itself in complete, immediate obedience in all situations). He wants be to passionately be a wife to my husband and fulfill and satisfy him as a wife in all the ways that only I can. He wants us together to raise our children so that they will grow to passionately love and serve Him from hearts that love and fear Him more than anything or anyone else. He wants me to do my job whole-heartedly, giving my employer a job well done and giving them more than their money's worth because through my diligent submission to their authority, and if they have eyes to see, they may see God's light in me and be drawn to Him through it. He wants me to be an active, engaged member of the local church He's placed us in, freely sharing my talents and gifts and passions and ideas for the purpose of edifying His family and forwarding His kingdom. He wants me to guard and protect and value the relationships He's gifted me with, because relationships have eternal value and are incredibly important to Him. He wants me to reach out to the needy and forgotten in our community. He wants me to teach these things to our children. He wants me to reach out and speak and show God's truth and love to those around me at home, work, church and in the neighborhood. He wants me to enjoy the things He's created me to enjoy, but not to the point where they become idols or take the place of the things that are even more important to Him.

A lesson in submission....

Last week, on Tuesday night, March 7th, 2006, Linnea and Megan were in an argument and Linnea got so angry she lost her temper and hit Megan. Keith and I talked to them about it, but when he declared what Linnea's punishment would be, I thought it was quite harsh. I didn't say anything to him at the time, however, because when I do confront him about things he does that I don't agree with, I do it when the kids are not within hearing distance. I firmly believe that as my husband and the father of our children, he is the head of our household. The last thing I want to do is undermine his authority in the eyes and hearts of our children.

I didn't end up saying anything to him about my feelings that night, but the next day at work I was still thinking about the situation and getting more and more frustrated and upset. So I decided to send him an e-mail with my thoughts. By the time I went to write the e-mail, I was quite angry. Let me tell you-anger gives birth to eloquence. Because when I was done typing it, I read it three times through and thought to myself, "That is one well-written e-mail." It said exactly what I wanted to say exactly the way I wanted to say it.

But the problem was, I was not speaking the truth in love. I was being mean and cutting and harsh, with my main objective being to make him feel bad so he'd change his mind. Just as I was about to hit "send", I felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit that what I was about to do was sin. Yes, as Keith's wife and the mother of our children, part of my job is to tell him how I feel and how I see certain things, but it should never be through manipulation or an effort to control. Whatever I say to him should be spoken (or written) in love, and said with respect and honor, and backed up with lots of prayer. Because Keith is the ultimate human authority in our home, he will answer to God for any misuse of that authority. But if I rebel against Keith (unless he is telling me to do something that goes directly against God's Word), I am not only rebelling against Keith, I'm rebelling against God Himself, and I will answer to Him for that.

I've been learning a lot about obedience the last few years of my life, so when I felt the prompting of the Spirit, I immediately went to delete the e-mail. But, of course, the program gave me the option of saving it as a draft. I can't tell you how much I wanted to do that, to save the e-mail as a monument to my own anger-birthed writing skill and what I believed to be the unfairness of my husband. But because I truly wanted to be obedient to my Lord, Who I know always tells me to do things because they are what's best for me, I hit delete the final time. And the second I hit delete, God's peace flooded my spirit and washed away all the anger and frustration I had been feeling. I committed the entire situation into God's hands with complete surrender, and I've hardly given it another thought since then, except to praise the Lord for His constant and personal presence in my life.

On Sunday, March 5th, my daughter Linnea was standing at the kitchen sink washing dishes and crying. She wasn't sobbing, but she had tears in her eyes. I asked her what was wrong and after a long wait she said she didn't know how to put it into words. I told her I was going to stand there and so was she until she told me what was going on, and finally she told me something like, "I know how hard you and Daddy are trying to teach me and Megan how to be good people. But God has been speaking to my heart, and I know the only way I'm really going to change is if I get to spend time alone with Him. Because He and I working together is the only way I'll really change. But I feel like I can't ever spend time alone with Him because someone always needs me. There's always something that needs to be done."

I really felt a sense of urgency, that this is a God-birthed need in her that should not be ignored. So I asked her what she thought of the idea of staying home from school one day. With Megan at school, Keith and I at work, and Rebecca and Stephen at daycare, she would have the house to herself for 5-6 hours. She shook her head and said it wouldn't work because with nobody home to keep her accountable, she'd be too tempted to watch movies or T.V. or play video games. So I told her I'd be willing to give her an hour a day, un-interrupted, alone in the bedroom she shares with Megan. She said she thought that might work out quite well.

I asked her what her plan was as far as format, and she said she was going to pray and read the Bible. She wants to read it from beginning to end. I told her that was a great idea. I firmly believe that all Christians should read the Bible all the way through as many times as they can in their lifetimes. But I also told her that being a 10-year-old, she might need some help understanding and applying some of what she was reading, so I thought a Bible study or devotional book geared towards preteen girls might be helpful. I told her I would find a time to take her to Christian supply, just her and me, and that we would look for a book together. She felt much better after we decided to do these things and was glad that I had urged her to tell me what was on her mind.

The next day, Monday, I left work at 3:30 so I could pick Linnea up and take her to Christian Supply. We prayed that God would direct our choices, and we looked through most of the devotional and Bible study books in the kids and teens sections. Finally Linnea decided on the book "Shine" by the Newsboys (or maybe it's about them). And I picked up a devotional book for girls for Megan.

On our way home, Linnea told me that her dream is to get through high school without having her purity compromised in any way (sex, alcohol, drug use, bad language, the wrong friends, etc), to marry the one man God wants her to marry, have 6 or 7 kids, and never get divorced. She's concerned that the enemy will succeed in getting her off the right track. I told her how proud I was of her, and how important it is that she consistently fill her mind with truth, because the enemy is out there and he's very good at deceiving people. But we're much less vulnerable to his attacks when our minds are filled with God's truth, our hearts are filled with His love, and we have godly friends and family in our lives to be accountable to.

Since then Linnea has had 5 of her hours alone with God. She says she can feel her heart changing, and that when she skips several days at a time, her heart gets "moldy." What an insightful comment! If water sits in one place too long without movement, it gets moldy and stagnant. When a Christian's heart sits too long without the refreshment of God's Word and presence, it gets moldy, too. And when our heart is "moldy", pretty soon our actions will reveal it.

The week before last, my husband Keith and I were talking to our 9-year-old daughter Megan about some of the choices she's been making lately. When she left the room to do something we had asked her to do, I told Keith I believe many of the behaviors we're seeing in our children are outward symptoms of heart conditions that only God (working together with the kids themselves) can really change. We can teach and lecture and punish and reward all we want, but true change is going to come from our kids choosing to agree with God and pursue Him. I told him my belief is that prayer should always be a vital part of any discussion we have with our children, and he said, "You're absolutely right." (Or something to that effect...)

So when Meg came back into the room, we talked a little while longer, and then we prayed together. It was a powerful prayer time, and God's presence was there in a very intimate, very real way. Keith and Megan both cried, and I felt like it. (I'm ashamed to say I don't cry very often--usually only when I'm hurt, angry, frustrated or feeling sorry for myself.) It was a very emotional experience.

After she went to bed, Keith and I listened to some Christian music together for about 45 minutes. During that time, we both had the urge to hear the same exact song at the same exact moment. That might not seem like much, but when there are literally tens of thousands of songs to choose from (Keith has a 1400 plus Christian CD collection), being led to the same song at the same time is quite significant. The song was "The 4 Horsemen" by Glen Campbell. While it was playing, God's presence in the room was so powerful that my body could actually feel it.

It was so great to experience God's personal working in our lives that evening. Keith has been working really long hours lately, and it's been hard to find time to talk together about spiritual things. Or about anything else, actually. So to have this evening of spiritual, emotional and relational connection was like finding an oasis after having been in the desert for a long time.

There's so much more I want to say, but it'll have to wait for the my next post...

Welcome!

This Blog has several purposes. First and foremost, I desire to glorify my Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. The second purpose is to record what God has been saying to me, what He's been doing in my life and at least some of what He has done in my life in the past. For some time, I have felt that God is calling me to write about these things so that there will be a record of His works in my life that will be able to be passed down to my children and their children. Also, His Word says that there is power in our testimony. I want to share my testimony with anyone and everyone who will listen. Finally, we are commanded to go into all the world to preach the gospel. Maybe somehow, in some small way, I will be able to do my part to fulfill that commandment through this blog.

At one time I started to try to write out everying from the beginning of my walk with the Lord forward to this time. But after trying that and failing, I've decided, with His help, to write about what He's doing now and work backwards. I hope that through the stories of my experiences, God will bring encouragement to the discouraged, truth to the deceived, love to the un-loved, hope to the hopeless, and beauty from ashes.

May His glorious name be praised forever and ever!