What happened on Friday

I used to be afraid of relationships. It was difficult bordering on impossible for me to let anyone see my true self or to be honest about my failings and struggles. When God set me free from fear, it ushered in a new season of learning how to connect with people on a more real level, and it has been a faith walk to be sure.

The newest and most world-view-altering part of this faith so far is to realize and delight in the fact that God is absolutely sovereign and supreme over all things, including my will, mind, heart, choices, desires and everything else. Everything I do, even my mistakes, are part of the grand plan He has. Not that He causes me to make mistakes, but He does allow it, and whatever He causes or allows is always for a good reason.

On Friday I did something that caused another person, or perhaps several people, pain. It was the first time since February that I have experienced genuine grief over the affect of my actions on someone else, and the first time since then that I've really felt any kind of doubt and insecurity and really deeply questioned my own heart's motivation.

If I'm walking by the Spirit and being led by Him constantly, how could this have happened? Is my ability to hear His voice and sense His leading so dismal? How is it possible for me to advance with complete confidence into a situation that will bring pain to someone else unnecessarily without sensing at least a slight nudge from the Holy Spirit that this is not the direction He wants me to go?

I wrestled with these questions all Friday evening and until Saturday evening, praying and worshiping and crying out to God to open my eyes and renew my mind and teach me what He would have me learn from this. Faithful and personal God that He is, He settled my spirit and comforted my heart to know that my motivations were, in fact, pure, and that this is another step in the process of learning how to navigate the waters of human interaction in a way that is God-honoring and God-glorifying. He also showed me that even when something is not expressly forbidden in scripture, He will many times call us to limit ourselves, to hold ourselves back, not because what we want to do is wrong necessarily, but because the sacrifice shows our trust in God and love, honor and respect to and for another person.

We are called to submit to one another. May our eyes be opened to see the beauty and value of true submission and what it really means.