The ghastly monster called Pride, the battle of the Bulge, and other incidentals…
See this tree? This is how I think of the pride in my life. The tree is beautiful, just like I have tried to make beautiful the parts of me that are visible to everyone else--My words, my actions, my face, my attitude. But under the tree is a vast root system. It’s not readily visible, but it permeates much of the ground under the tree and makes its way into and around anything that is in the ground under the tree. Rocks, cables, soil, the roots of other plants, everything. Plus, as useful as they are, roots are really ugly and dirty.
I know there are a million positive connotations to root systems, but for the purpose of this illustration, I’m talking about the roots of the pride in my life. They are ugly. They are everywhere. Removing them is going to be a miracle and an excruciatingly painful process. By the time God is done, I don’t know what will be left of my life. I trust Him completely, in spite of the pain I know is coming, but I know that even that trust is a gift from Him, for which I am inexpressibly thankful.
******
People who know me and see me frequently are well aware that I’ve gained a considerable amount of weight in a short amount of time. When we got back from our Florida trip in May, I weighed in at 168 lbs and was wearing a size 12. Today I weighed in at 184 lbs and am wearing a size 16. I don’t know when this weight gain will stop, but I do know why it’s happening.
The few times in the last few years that I’ve been able to lose weight, I did so with the help of diet pills that contained ephedrine. They increased my energy, decreased my appetite, and sped up my metabolism. Only a very few people knew that I was taking them, and the reason I didn’t tell many people was because I knew that they would try to talk me out of taking them, and I didn’t want to be talked out of it. I wanted to lose weight, no matter what the cost – to feel confident and attractive and to be able to wear stylish, feminine clothing. As I would lose weight, the compliments would flow in, with their addictive rush, and fertilizer for my already-flourishing pride. (As far as I can see right now, of all of the problems in my life, pride is by far the worst, the most subtle, the most invasive, the most pervasive, and the one that most powerfully impacts all the rest.)
It was exceedingly stupid for me to take those pills. Ephedrine is addictive and has a whole host of possible side effects (some of them deadly). Even more than that, there is a history of bi-polar disorder in my family, a disorder which is hereditary and which I am at a high risk of. For me to consciously put a brain chemistry altering substance into my body without the supervision of a doctor was utterly foolish, and had consequences that are so far-reaching, I haven’t even discovered all of them yet.
******
Keith and I have been married for almost 12 years. To my shame, most of that time, I’ve felt like I got the short end of the stick and he got a really good deal. I’ve consistently felt like that, until recently.
With my husband, what you see is what you get. When he’s mad, you know it, and you know why. When he’s depressed, same thing. Sad, same thing. However he’s feeling or whatever he’s going through, whatever he’s hoping for or planning for, whatever he’s comfortable with or not comfortable with--he lays it all out for everyone to see. It’s utterly impossible for him to be fake.
I, on the other hand, am a seriously confusing mess of conflicting emotions, wavering decisions, misplaced desires and selfish motivations. For the first time ever, I feel sincere gratitude that he’s decided to stick it out through the long haul, and compassion for him because I’m just beginning to see how having someone like me as a life partner is actually more of a burden than a blessing in many ways.
The way most people view me and the way most people view him is completely backwards and utterly unfair. He is a diamond in the rough—a compassionate, hard-working, generous person who loves righteousness and is a good person in absolutely every way that he knows how to be. His outer shell might be a little rough, but on the inside, he glistens.
I am exactly the opposite. The outer shell that most people seem to like so much, only serves to hide the confusing mess on the inside. It’s like tooth enamel that on the surface is white and seemingly-impenetrable, but it hides the inside of the tooth which is full of rotting decay.
I learned a long time ago to become good – or at least to appear to become good - at things that seemed to be difficult for most people. Things like taking the blame, apologizing with sincerity, turning the other cheek, overlooking offenses, graciously receiving criticism, loving and praying for my enemies, submitting cheerfully to authority, etc.
Those pursuits still seem honorable to me, but I went about it all wrong. I decided what those characteristics should look like and made myself act that way. But the actions didn’t flow from a sincere heart, they flowed from a heart that wanted the approval of people and thought it could earn points with God by behaving a certain way.
I learned to school my emotions and literally glided through life without allowing myself to feel anger, frustration, hurt, sorrow, disappointment, and a whole host of other unpleasant emotions. But of course, there are many times in life when it’s appropriate to feel those emotions and inappropriate to not feel them. They energize us and motivate us to press towards change in areas where change is necessary.
******
I love my job because it fits me, I’m very confident in it, never bored, and I feel like I’m pretty good at it. I tell people all the time that I love all the days of the week the same, because I love being at work as much as I love being at home. The truth is, I love being at work even more than I love being at home, for the reasons I just listed. At home I feel like I’m floating in an ocean of inconstant waves, which I am. I so desperately want to be faithful with everything God has trusted me with, but I’m too tired, too lazy, and too scared to do what it takes to figure out what that really means and apply it. So I stand in the kitchen and eat, and think about all the work that needs to be done, and all the relationship-building that needs to be done, and all of the character training that needs to be done, and allow myself to be immobilized by the sheer overwhelming-ness of it all.
******
Keith and I went to the recovery program at our church for the first time last night. It felt really great to be there, to finally be taking this step. Plus, we were in a room full of people we love, who love us, and who will continue to love us no matter what. Praise God for taking care of His children so faithfully. Only He knows how much we really have to recover from, but I know it’s a lot more than what I originally thought. God uses the weak and broken to accomplish His work, though, so I’m looking forward to see what He’s going to do with these fragile shards we’re handing Him.
See this tree? This is how I think of the pride in my life. The tree is beautiful, just like I have tried to make beautiful the parts of me that are visible to everyone else--My words, my actions, my face, my attitude. But under the tree is a vast root system. It’s not readily visible, but it permeates much of the ground under the tree and makes its way into and around anything that is in the ground under the tree. Rocks, cables, soil, the roots of other plants, everything. Plus, as useful as they are, roots are really ugly and dirty.
I know there are a million positive connotations to root systems, but for the purpose of this illustration, I’m talking about the roots of the pride in my life. They are ugly. They are everywhere. Removing them is going to be a miracle and an excruciatingly painful process. By the time God is done, I don’t know what will be left of my life. I trust Him completely, in spite of the pain I know is coming, but I know that even that trust is a gift from Him, for which I am inexpressibly thankful.
******
People who know me and see me frequently are well aware that I’ve gained a considerable amount of weight in a short amount of time. When we got back from our Florida trip in May, I weighed in at 168 lbs and was wearing a size 12. Today I weighed in at 184 lbs and am wearing a size 16. I don’t know when this weight gain will stop, but I do know why it’s happening.
The few times in the last few years that I’ve been able to lose weight, I did so with the help of diet pills that contained ephedrine. They increased my energy, decreased my appetite, and sped up my metabolism. Only a very few people knew that I was taking them, and the reason I didn’t tell many people was because I knew that they would try to talk me out of taking them, and I didn’t want to be talked out of it. I wanted to lose weight, no matter what the cost – to feel confident and attractive and to be able to wear stylish, feminine clothing. As I would lose weight, the compliments would flow in, with their addictive rush, and fertilizer for my already-flourishing pride. (As far as I can see right now, of all of the problems in my life, pride is by far the worst, the most subtle, the most invasive, the most pervasive, and the one that most powerfully impacts all the rest.)
It was exceedingly stupid for me to take those pills. Ephedrine is addictive and has a whole host of possible side effects (some of them deadly). Even more than that, there is a history of bi-polar disorder in my family, a disorder which is hereditary and which I am at a high risk of. For me to consciously put a brain chemistry altering substance into my body without the supervision of a doctor was utterly foolish, and had consequences that are so far-reaching, I haven’t even discovered all of them yet.
******
Keith and I have been married for almost 12 years. To my shame, most of that time, I’ve felt like I got the short end of the stick and he got a really good deal. I’ve consistently felt like that, until recently.
With my husband, what you see is what you get. When he’s mad, you know it, and you know why. When he’s depressed, same thing. Sad, same thing. However he’s feeling or whatever he’s going through, whatever he’s hoping for or planning for, whatever he’s comfortable with or not comfortable with--he lays it all out for everyone to see. It’s utterly impossible for him to be fake.
I, on the other hand, am a seriously confusing mess of conflicting emotions, wavering decisions, misplaced desires and selfish motivations. For the first time ever, I feel sincere gratitude that he’s decided to stick it out through the long haul, and compassion for him because I’m just beginning to see how having someone like me as a life partner is actually more of a burden than a blessing in many ways.
The way most people view me and the way most people view him is completely backwards and utterly unfair. He is a diamond in the rough—a compassionate, hard-working, generous person who loves righteousness and is a good person in absolutely every way that he knows how to be. His outer shell might be a little rough, but on the inside, he glistens.
I am exactly the opposite. The outer shell that most people seem to like so much, only serves to hide the confusing mess on the inside. It’s like tooth enamel that on the surface is white and seemingly-impenetrable, but it hides the inside of the tooth which is full of rotting decay.
I learned a long time ago to become good – or at least to appear to become good - at things that seemed to be difficult for most people. Things like taking the blame, apologizing with sincerity, turning the other cheek, overlooking offenses, graciously receiving criticism, loving and praying for my enemies, submitting cheerfully to authority, etc.
Those pursuits still seem honorable to me, but I went about it all wrong. I decided what those characteristics should look like and made myself act that way. But the actions didn’t flow from a sincere heart, they flowed from a heart that wanted the approval of people and thought it could earn points with God by behaving a certain way.
I learned to school my emotions and literally glided through life without allowing myself to feel anger, frustration, hurt, sorrow, disappointment, and a whole host of other unpleasant emotions. But of course, there are many times in life when it’s appropriate to feel those emotions and inappropriate to not feel them. They energize us and motivate us to press towards change in areas where change is necessary.
******
I love my job because it fits me, I’m very confident in it, never bored, and I feel like I’m pretty good at it. I tell people all the time that I love all the days of the week the same, because I love being at work as much as I love being at home. The truth is, I love being at work even more than I love being at home, for the reasons I just listed. At home I feel like I’m floating in an ocean of inconstant waves, which I am. I so desperately want to be faithful with everything God has trusted me with, but I’m too tired, too lazy, and too scared to do what it takes to figure out what that really means and apply it. So I stand in the kitchen and eat, and think about all the work that needs to be done, and all the relationship-building that needs to be done, and all of the character training that needs to be done, and allow myself to be immobilized by the sheer overwhelming-ness of it all.
******
Keith and I went to the recovery program at our church for the first time last night. It felt really great to be there, to finally be taking this step. Plus, we were in a room full of people we love, who love us, and who will continue to love us no matter what. Praise God for taking care of His children so faithfully. Only He knows how much we really have to recover from, but I know it’s a lot more than what I originally thought. God uses the weak and broken to accomplish His work, though, so I’m looking forward to see what He’s going to do with these fragile shards we’re handing Him.
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