Let's talk about paradoxes and pain...

God is a God of paradoxes. It's miraculous and breathtaking when He opens our eyes to recognize His voice and His fingerprints in a life, relationship, problem, or situation.

When our church went through "The Purpose-Driven Life" in 2004, I remember reading about "EGR" or "Extra-Grace-Required" people. I took it to mean the people who, when you see them coming, you want to go the other direction. Or the member of a group that everyone just kind of puts up with because they know they have to. When I read about them, being a people-pleasing phlegmatic in temperament myself, I thought to myself how dreadful it would be to be considered an "EGR" person. It was my worst nightmare!

The funny thing is, ever since God got ahold of my heart (I mean REALLY got ahold of it) at the end of 2007, I have become one of those people. The more intimately I know Him, the more I delight in His presence and all of the attributes of His character, the more I become one of those people.

I used to be controlled by fear. It was a mountain in my life that I didn't even recognize because it had always been there and I had grown comfortable with it, but it affected everything I said and did, and everything I didn't say or do. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of hurting people, fear of physical and emotional pain... You name it. If a person could be afraid of it, I was afraid of it. The fear in my heart kept me from getting close to people. I lived in bondage to fear and secrecy and pride. I couldn't share my heart or my true self or my true feelings with anyone for a variety of selfish and "religious" reasons.

Now, miraculously, all of that fear is gone. I can tell you the exact day it happened. February 8, 2008. God called me to do something, to have a difficult conversation with two people that I consider to be incredibly intimidating. For two weeks I prayed, and asked other people to pray for me, that God would speak through me and that His strength would be made perfect in my weakness.

I went into that encounter expecting God to move, and to open the eyes of the other people. But what happened is that He used the experience to open my eyes instead, and one of the things He showed me was how much I had allowed fear to control my life.

The Bible says perfect love casts out fear. I am not afraid anymore, because I know and believe that God loves me, loves us all, perfectly, and that everything He does is for our good. He is faithful, even when we're not, and He brings good out of all things, even our failures and mistakes. Only God can do that, and He is amazing!