Doubt. Confusion. Stress. Floundering. More doubt. With brief glimmers of light and truth and hope and joy mixed in here and there. This about sums up my life at the moment. I apologize in advance for the chaotic nature of this post, but chaos is a word that accurately reflects my state of mind, so I guess a chaotic post is appropriate.
Friday night my husband and I were having a discussion, and I ended up getting really angry and screaming at him at the top of my lungs in the middle of a public area until my throat hurt. I’m not going to share the words I screamed at him, but I can honestly say that after they came out of my mouth, I wanted to die. Literally.
After I was done being angry, shame and remorse and regret attacked my spirit like white-hot swords. I kept thinking over and over again about blogging, and how I continually tell people that blogging is a powerful way that God speaks to me, and is a vital mind and spirit-renewing tool in my life. And I thought, if that is true--if it is really, really true--how could such horrid, black, disgusting ugliness still be lurking in those deep places of my being, after all these years and all this time? If who we are in the fire is who we really are, then I am a snake not fit to continue to breath this good air or ever again feel the sun on my face.
That’s when I decided to delete my blogs and swear off blogging forever. I actually logged on to Google with that intent, but then something (or Someone?) stopped me. Instead of deleting my blogs, I posted that short post (and I want to say thank you from the bottom of my heart to Fred and Laura and Joseph for your very kind and encouraging comments. They truly were three of the bright moments of hope and joy in the midst of the pain of the last few days).
This situation was just one part of a season of stretching and groaning and discomfort.
The other week I did something, which I am not yet at liberty to share, but which I was absolutely certain that God had told me to do. I knew that many people would view it as foolish and would advise against it, so I didn’t tell very many people. Because even if they had advised against it, I was certain enough that it was God’s voice I was listening to and following, that it wouldn’t have mattered what they said, anyway. Needless to say, I did do that thing which I felt God was leading me to do, and it remains to be seen what the end result will be. But from a merely human perspective right now at this time, it looks like what I did truly was stupid and foolish and could have devastating and long-reaching effects in the lives of many people. And yet I still feel that it was God’s voice I was following, and that if it wasn’t His voice, then it calls into question all the other times in my life when I was certain I was hearing His voice, but perhaps I actually wasn’t…? God help me.
Last week I was involved in a team event at work that will change the way our corporation does things on many levels. When the new process is unfolded and put into practice, I know there will be a lot of questions and probably a good number of criticisms, and I have never done very well with either of those things when they were on the spot and in person. I do better with them in writing, typically, when I can take time to comprise and organize my thoughts and weed out the knee-jerk reactions. My confidence is shaken, my heart and stomach are in a state of upheaval, and every foundational belief I have ever held dear is in question.
Except for this: God causes all things to work together for the good of those who love Him. And Christ died on the cross to bear the wrath of God for our sakes, for my sake, and rose again triumphant on the 3rd day to break the power of sin and death, for the eternal glory of God. I’m clinging to those rock-solid, irrefutable truths like a lifeline. God is good, and I trust Him. Amen.
4 comments:
Hi Mel :)
Greetings and welcome!
I am thrilled to see you posting again.
Your fight with your husband in the open is not good at all, both for you and for him. But whatever has happened has happened. It is difficult to take back words once they are spoken. I can see that you get upset quickly. I always try to keep a deliberate silence when I am provoked. You need two hands to clap. I don't give my hand. So the other person has to calm down. Not that I don't have a short temper. But to tell you honestly, my short temper never worked or produced any results. So I think silence is golden in an explosive atmosphere. Things can always be sorted out later when the nerves are calm and the atmosphere is good. Recently I was reading something to the effect that said we give lot of respect when talking to strangers but we don't give any importance when talking to our family people and we take them for granted. This is not good for long term relationship. Let me see if I can get hold of that quote and post it in my blog. I think it will be useful to all of us. Please don't think I am trying to give advice. I am just writing what came to my mind.
Then about your office, I can see you are fully involved in your work and want to create a good impression. There is something called Murphy's Law which states that WHATEVER IS TO HAPPEN WILL HAPPEN. Therefore, just do your best and don't worry too much about the outcome or what others will think of you. Your unnecessary worry will only have an adverse impact on your performance. I was in the sales field for about 30 years and I know that tension will affect our performance and will show up in the office and also at home. Do your best and leave it to God to do the rest. Don't take your office tension home. Just pack it and keep it in your office :)
Since you are a full time worker and a home maker, it will be worth while to consider how much time you can really spend in blogging without affecting your other responsibilities.
Again, I would like to emphasize that I am not giving you any advice but these are some thoughts which came to my mind. You can take it with one ear and leave it through the other ear:)You know I am double your age.
I hope everything is calm and sorted out at the home front and I wish you all success in your office.
I hope I have not upset you in any way with my ramblings. If so please forgive me.
God bless you and your family. Have a good HOLY WEEK AND A BLESSED EASTER.
Joseph :)
Hi Mel,
Your confession is certainly not one that any of us cannot equal. I don't know why you should be so surprised, I know I'm not, God is not, and every other person that lives on this planet is not. We all blow it, but some measure of our growth is our remorse, don't you think. If we can have a moment of rage and blow it off then we are immature. If it grieves us, causes us to fall into God's arms with remorse, we are mature. Now I'd like to say that if we were mature we would never lose control, not so, we all stumble in many ways. Now don't think I'm congratulating you, I'm not, but life is intense, responsibilies are many, relationships difficult, and sometimes we blow. Hopefully less today than yesterday. Great way to begin Holy Week, you can seek God's manifold mercies even more ardently now :)I think church, prayer, fellowship and blogging is like little meals, you need them eveyday, but they won't make you immune to hunger, we eat each day.
Your candor is amazing Mel, I haven't your courage,
I see God is blessing you and teaching you humility so I'll just say goodbye,
Fred
Hold on to God's promises! He loves you so very much and as a parent has time for heir child, so He has all the time in the world for you!
You are not alone - I must say that. Like Fred said, it is not that we could not equal what you are going through.
Philippians 1:3-6 -
3. I thank my God every time I remember you. 4. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy 5. because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, 6. being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.
Mel, I give thanks to God for you!
Hi Joseph! Thank you for all of your words of encouragement and advice. I don't think that you could ever, ever, ever offend me, even if you tried. :) I appreciate so much you sharing your thoughts with me. You've learned so much in your years of observant living. And your faithful commenting means a lot to me. Thank you again.
Hi Fred! You're exactly right... My miserable failure on Friday night has greatly helped me to more fully appreciate all that God is for us in Christ, and all that He has provided for us through Christ. I must say I still feel raw, though. But perhaps that's a good thing. Pain reminds us that we're alive, and whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger, by God's grace.
Hi Danielle! I love that passage from Phillipians, it's one of my absolute favorites. God's Word is incomparable, isn't it? Life and truth and beauty that cannot be changed or tarnished throughout all of eternity. He is so endlessly faithful and merciful. Thank you for echoing His words to me, dear friend!
God bless all of you! You're in my thoughts and prayers always! :)
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