A Two-Edged Sword

Is everything in my life in order?

Ahem… No.

So why am I blogging again?

Well, because the first giant step towards getting my life in order has been accomplished, by God’s amazing grace. And because it’s been more than a week since this blogoholic blogged, and there are obviously lots and lots of thoughts stored up in this head that are screaming to be put into writing--thoughts that God might have had something to do with. Or at least thoughts that I don’t want to forget.

*************

Blogging is a two-edged sword for me.

It’s a HUGE blessing and resource in my life. I love to write... I love to read… I love God… I love people (all kinds of people). God loves me and purposefully created me to be someone who loves these things—he loves it that I love them! He also created me to deeply enjoy connecting with other people – people who share some of the same values, people who will encourage deep thinking, people who will inspire me and motivate me to more fully be the person God created me to be, and people who might be blessed or intrigued by something I share.

But blogging is also a very deep source of sorrow and struggle and temptation. It so easily becomes something I do because I’m seeking the affirmation and attention of people. I enjoy it so much and love it so much that I’m constantly tempted to be doing it, even when I should be giving my full attention, heart, passion and energy to something or someone else.

When I post something, whether it be a post on my own blog, or a comment on someone else’s, I have a constant desire to keep going back to check to see if someone might have read it and have appreciated it enough to leave a comment about it. When enough days go by without any reply comments, I sometimes am actually disappointed and discouraged enough to have myself a little pity party and toy with the idea of deleting my entire blog! And that would be really stupid and selfish, because truly the reason I started it in the first place was to keep a written record that could someday be shared with my kids and grandkids if my earthly life came to an end prematurely. (Pride is an ugly, nasty, distasteful, destructive thing and I can’t say in words how desperately I despise it!!)

When I sat down to type all of these many blog posts today, I did so with a very strong sense that I shouldn’t check anyone else’s blogs first. So I haven’t, even though I’ve wanted to. Because these thoughts that are in my head are mine and God’s. They may have been started or planted by someone else, but they’ve been brewing and stewing in my heart long enough that some of these thoughts are actually authentically mine. I hope and pray and believe that God has influenced at least some of them.

I have more to say, and I don’t know when that will happen, but I know I won’t be able to check anyone else’s blogs until I’m done. And I pray that God will give me the grace and strength not to check for comments either, until after I’m done.

Having the time to do this tonight is a gift from God. I either lost my truck keys or locked them in the truck this morning, because I can’t find them anywhere. So I’m sitting here in my office typing this as I’m waiting for my husband to come downtown and open the truck for me. Keith is so good about putting up with my absentmindedness, even though I know it drives him crazy. I love and appreciate my husband and am more grateful for him than I could ever possibly express.