Hard Pressed, but not Crushed - II Cor 4:8

I try hard not to be a whiner. But since the purpose of this blog is to chronicle my journey, I would be doing myself and my kids a disservice not to include a post every once in a while about the challenges we’re wading through, both myself personally, and all of us together as a family.

Sometimes when someone asks me how I’m doing, if there’s a Bible readily available, I’ll say, “I’m doing 2 Corinthians 4: 8-9.” And then they’ll laugh or smile and look it up, and invariably they’ll nod sympathetically with a solemn expression and say something like, “Yeah, I hear you… That’s exactly how I feel, too.”

Like so many other people, we’re struggling to make ends meet financially. My kids are outgrowing their clothes. Their shoes are worn out. We’re rationing milk and juice and limiting everyone to one serving at meals. Luxuries have been cut back to almost nothing. We’re limiting showers and baths in both frequency and duration. We’re buying generics whenever possible. My own clothes are threadbare and falling apart (the ones that fit, which aren't many...) I recognize that learning how to live more simply and inexpensively, and to be better stewards of water and electricity and other resources are all good things... I'm praying that after this time of struggle is over, we'll continue to live by these lean principles.

Praise God, my mom is going to start taking care of Michael and Rebecca, starting today. That will save $1,000 per month in daycare costs, which means we’ll be going in the hole by $1,000 less per month than we were before. But we’re still going in the hole.

And this situation presents another difficulty… My mom had only one child on purpose. She had her tubes tied right after I was born, because she didn’t think she’d be able to handle more than one. And now here she is, committed to watching a pretty but dramatic four-year-old girl and a very sweet but demanding two-year-old boy, day in and day out, all day long, for a year and a half, until Rebecca starts Kindergarten.

My mom is really anxious about this, and I don’t blame her. She probably feels about this the same way I would feel if I were to be assigned a job where my primary job duty would be public speaking… Yuck. The thought literally makes me want to barf. I feel so guilty and so sad for asking her to do this. It’s a service of inestimable value that we’ll never be able to repay, and for which I am humbly grateful. I pray that God will richly reward her in every possible way for her willingness to make a personal sacrifice of this magnitude for our family. I know that He will, either in this life, or in the life to come. I pray that He will also show me how and give me the grace to ease the burden for her as much as possible.

A few weeks back I was involved in a process-enhancement team at work. I felt honored to be a part of the team, and it was an enriching experience in many ways. But it put me so far behind in my own duties that I still haven’t gotten caught up. And instead of getting better, the problem seems to keep getting worse. I feel like if I could just get caught up, it would be pretty easy to stay caught up. But “caught up” has proved to be quite the elusive creature, and I feel terrible about the quality of my work as I'm trying to get as much as possible done in the shortest conceivable amount of time.

The battle of the bulge is still very real and ever more troublesome. Because I destroyed my metabolism by starving myself, God only knows if anything I ever do will have any kind of positive affect on my figure. I realize there are many other health benefits that make a health and fitness regime worthwhile, but for some reason I’m just not able to work up much passion or enthusiasm for those benefits. Summer is coming, which means that women will be wearing cute shorts and summer outfits, and it’s going to be hard to combat the envy, frustration, disgust (with myself), and self-pity that those daily reminders will conjure. Especially because I know how important having an attractive wife is to my husband (and to most men), and that he’s going to spend the summer trying hard not to be disappointed.

He and I are going to be going on a trip together for a few days in May to a warm climate (no cost, it was a trip he was given through work, which is a blessing), but the last time we went to a warm climate during a time when I was heavier, all I can remember is feeling hideously uncomfortable the entire time. I know that it’s a heart issue in myself that needs to be dealt with, and that I should be able to be so content in who I am in Christ that none of this matters, but, sigh…I’ll be surprised if that heart issue is fixed before we go, or any other time in the near future.

My husband has been under unbelievable pressure and stress for years on end now, and his body is beginning to show the signs. He’s been having stomach problems that have been getting progressively worse over the last couple of months. He’s lost 16 pounds in the last month or so without even trying. He’s not sleeping well. He's doing his part to try to stay healthy--he eats relatively healthy foods and takes supplements and attends church faithfully, and his attitude has been surprisingly good throughout everything that’s been going on. But I wish there was more I could do to help him, and those things that I could do that he would really, truly appreciate seem to be beyond my grasp right now.

My daughter Rebecca was chewing on one of her fingernails the other day, and her teeth broke the skin next to her nail. Her finger proceeded to develop a strep infection that, if it hadn’t been dealt with by the doctor, would have resulted in the loss of her finger. Her poor little finger is red and painful and peeling right now, but is on the mend, Thank God!

My mom has medical and prescription expenses, but is not covered by insurance, and is not old enough to be covered by Medicare or Medicaid. She also has other health care and dental needs that are not being addressed right now, and are simply being ignored, because we have no resources with which to address them.

There’s so much I want to do, and be, and become. I want to do justly, and love mercy, and walk humbly with God all the days of my life. I want to be the wife He created me to be, and for my husband to be satisfied with me and our relationship and marriage. I want to be the mother my children need so that they will open their hearts and lives to God in real, personal ways and find their satisfaction in Him. I want to work alongside God as He works out His plan to bring about His Kingdom on Earth as it is in Heaven. I want to do something to ease the suffering in the world. I want to instill in my children a vision for the future that God wants to bring to pass, and a hunger to be a part of what He’s doing instead of constantly looking for temporal, selfish, and fleeting satisfaction in the moment.

I want to be faithful with all that God has entrusted to me, including my house and yard. I realize that a huge part of my problem is time-management, and that only I can make this better. I’m praying for energy, motivation, wisdom, understanding, creativity and time with which to study this topic, to comprise a plan that is clear and workable and sustainable, and to put it into practice. But it feels like the more I want and pray for and strive towards these things, the more they all slip through my fingers.

I feel like a failure in every single area of my life, except dental care. I somehow manage to brush and floss my teeth most days. Thank God for small victories. :)

I feel like a selfish spoiled whiner, but I actually do feel better after having vented even just this much. There's more going on than this, but I am unable to communicate about it in this format. I'm glad that God in His mercy will never let me go, no matter how bad I mess up my life, or the lives of those around me.