People-pleasing, peace-keeping (not to be confused with the much higher and holy calling of peace-making) "B-type" people like me sometimes have a hard time with more controlling "A-type" personalities. Not that I have a hard time getting along with them, because I'm usually able to get along with anyone. But I do struggle with having hard feelings and animosity towards them quite frequently, which presents certain challenges, especially since I'm married to one.
My entire married life I've wanted to be a good godly submitted Christian wife, so much so that I made up a mental list of what the actions of a submitted wife would look like, and spent a great deal of time and energy schooling my actions and non-verbal communication to make it look like I was that person. And yet, I've struggled with respecting my husband and submitting to his authority with my whole heart. I'm good at faking it, though, so many times it looks like I'm submitting to him and respecting him, when in my heart I'm rebelling with the worst kind of rebellion.
It all kind of came to a head when my mom moved here in November. Keith was concerned, I think, that when she came, I would consistently choose her over him. I tried to reassure him, and myself, that he was and would be and would remain my first priority after she moved here. However, the day before she was scheduled to arrive, he and I got into a heated e-mail argument.
In my writing, I attacked him with viciousness, cruelty, criticism, and harsh judgment. Repeatedly. And what's worse, I thought God was on my side. I felt like my anger was righteous anger. But when I hit "send" on the final round of e-sparring, God instantly opened my eyes to see the ugliness and horror of what I had done.
All these years my husband has said he doesn't really believe that he's my first human priority, and that I care more about other people and more about what they think than I do about him or about what he thinks. And all these years I've heatedly denied it, holding up and pointing to my list of self-made evidences to the contrary.
As soon as I hit the send button on that last email, God opened the eyes of my heart to finally truly see that Keith has been right all these years--he hasn't truly been my first priority, not on the inside, where it matters most. I was immediately ashamed of myself, to the core of my being.
I wrote him another email, within minutes of the last nasty one I'd sent him, asking him to please, please forgive me, and praying the God would give him the grace to do so. And I determined then and there to start taking steps to change my heart towards my husband. I felt comforted and encouraged by that determination and hopeful that things would truly begin to change for the better, from the inside out.
Little did I know...
A true test of my new conviction came the next night when my mom called to say she was nearly to Spokane. God had graciously provided someone for her to ride with, who was also able to tow her car behind them, and she was calling to say she wanted me to meet her at the downtown 3rd Avenue U-Haul where they were going to return the dolly they'd used to tow her car here.
Keith was on the phone working, and Stephen was playing video games, so I loaded up Becca and Michael into the truck and was just pulling out when Keith came out into the garage and asked what I was doing. I explained it to him, and he told me I should call her back and have her jump on the freeway after unloading the dolley, and meet me on Argonne instead of me going all the way downtown.
I knew she wouldn't like that at all, but I was trying to be the submitted wife, and to put my husband first, so I called her and asked her to do that. She sounded panicky and literally ordered me to get into the truck right now and come get her. My heart was torn in two. Keith was telling me quietly in the background to tell her that he was having a busy night with work, and to explain to her why he wanted us to do it that way. But instead of doing that, I simply told her that Keith was dead set against me coming downtown and that I couldn't do it.
After we hung up, I could see that Keith was extremely upset. He said that I had made him sound like an awful person, and that mom and the person driving her were both going to think badly of him because of what I had said and the way I had said it. He also said that whenever he talks to other people about me, he never does so in a way that would make me look bad to them. He always finds ways to say whatever needs to be said in the most honoring and dignified way possible, whereas when I talk to people about him, I do so to make myself look innocent and him look like the bad guy.
What could I say to that? He was completely and utterly correct, to my eternal, gut-wrenching shame.
I was extremely disheartened, discouraged and disgusted with myself (not to mention stressed out.) Here, just the day before, I had vowed to myself that I would put Keith first and honor him from the inside out. And here I was, proving to Keith and myself and everyone else that I was incapable of doing it.
But God used the situation to add more layers to the revelation from the day before. He showed me that only He will ever be able to change my innermost heart to make Keith my first human priority. I can't do it on my own, no matter how much I want to. But when it does happen, all of the glory will go to God alone. Hallelujah!
He also showed me that disrespecting Keith in my heart is something that I learned to do as a child, when I disrespected my dad (the male authority figure in the house and in the family at that time) in the same way.
I had secretly held them both in disdain. I secretly considered myself better, wiser, smarter, more spiritual, more valuable than them. All the while pretending to honor and respect them with my outward actions and non-verbal communication, even though my heart was full of corruption and pride and selfishness. Dear Lord, have mercy.
I didn’t know what to do or where to go from there… I felt absolutely paralyzed. A prayer something like, “Dear God, forgive me. Humble my heart. Have mercy on me. Show me what to say and do,” kept reverberating through my heart.
The person who had driven my mom up to Spokane was able to bring her and her car all the way to our house. (Thank You, Lord! And thank you to that person.) As soon as they arrived, I immediately told them all of the reasons why Keith had suggested that I not drive all the way downtown, and apologized profusely for dishonoring my husband, and for making their evening more difficult.
After the driver had left, Mom and I worked on unloading her things and taking them to her room and getting her settled in there. While we were doing that, Keith left for a while, because he desperately needed to be alone, to think and to pray. When he came back a few hours later, my mom and all of the kids were in bed (it was between 11 p.m. and midnight when he returned). I could tell he was still really hurt and angry because his entire being was completely closed off to me.
With my heart pounding and tears aching in my throat the whole time, I told him what God had shown me about how I had pretended to respect him, but had dishonored him in my heart all of those years, just as I had dishonored my father. I begged for his forgiveness and told him I didn’t know how to change myself, but that God would be the One to do the changing, and would he (Keith) please, please be patient with me, and pray for me toward that end?
All was definitely not okay yet after our conversation, but there was a notably marked thawing in what had been a frigid relational atmosphere. A layer of pretense was replaced with a layer of authenticity. And since then, slowly but surely, things have been changing in my heart and in our relationship, day by day.
This is one small part of an ongoing story that began years ago… Will the other parts be written? Only God knows.
It all kind of came to a head when my mom moved here in November. Keith was concerned, I think, that when she came, I would consistently choose her over him. I tried to reassure him, and myself, that he was and would be and would remain my first priority after she moved here. However, the day before she was scheduled to arrive, he and I got into a heated e-mail argument.
In my writing, I attacked him with viciousness, cruelty, criticism, and harsh judgment. Repeatedly. And what's worse, I thought God was on my side. I felt like my anger was righteous anger. But when I hit "send" on the final round of e-sparring, God instantly opened my eyes to see the ugliness and horror of what I had done.
All these years my husband has said he doesn't really believe that he's my first human priority, and that I care more about other people and more about what they think than I do about him or about what he thinks. And all these years I've heatedly denied it, holding up and pointing to my list of self-made evidences to the contrary.
As soon as I hit the send button on that last email, God opened the eyes of my heart to finally truly see that Keith has been right all these years--he hasn't truly been my first priority, not on the inside, where it matters most. I was immediately ashamed of myself, to the core of my being.
I wrote him another email, within minutes of the last nasty one I'd sent him, asking him to please, please forgive me, and praying the God would give him the grace to do so. And I determined then and there to start taking steps to change my heart towards my husband. I felt comforted and encouraged by that determination and hopeful that things would truly begin to change for the better, from the inside out.
Little did I know...
A true test of my new conviction came the next night when my mom called to say she was nearly to Spokane. God had graciously provided someone for her to ride with, who was also able to tow her car behind them, and she was calling to say she wanted me to meet her at the downtown 3rd Avenue U-Haul where they were going to return the dolly they'd used to tow her car here.
Keith was on the phone working, and Stephen was playing video games, so I loaded up Becca and Michael into the truck and was just pulling out when Keith came out into the garage and asked what I was doing. I explained it to him, and he told me I should call her back and have her jump on the freeway after unloading the dolley, and meet me on Argonne instead of me going all the way downtown.
I knew she wouldn't like that at all, but I was trying to be the submitted wife, and to put my husband first, so I called her and asked her to do that. She sounded panicky and literally ordered me to get into the truck right now and come get her. My heart was torn in two. Keith was telling me quietly in the background to tell her that he was having a busy night with work, and to explain to her why he wanted us to do it that way. But instead of doing that, I simply told her that Keith was dead set against me coming downtown and that I couldn't do it.
After we hung up, I could see that Keith was extremely upset. He said that I had made him sound like an awful person, and that mom and the person driving her were both going to think badly of him because of what I had said and the way I had said it. He also said that whenever he talks to other people about me, he never does so in a way that would make me look bad to them. He always finds ways to say whatever needs to be said in the most honoring and dignified way possible, whereas when I talk to people about him, I do so to make myself look innocent and him look like the bad guy.
What could I say to that? He was completely and utterly correct, to my eternal, gut-wrenching shame.
I was extremely disheartened, discouraged and disgusted with myself (not to mention stressed out.) Here, just the day before, I had vowed to myself that I would put Keith first and honor him from the inside out. And here I was, proving to Keith and myself and everyone else that I was incapable of doing it.
But God used the situation to add more layers to the revelation from the day before. He showed me that only He will ever be able to change my innermost heart to make Keith my first human priority. I can't do it on my own, no matter how much I want to. But when it does happen, all of the glory will go to God alone. Hallelujah!
He also showed me that disrespecting Keith in my heart is something that I learned to do as a child, when I disrespected my dad (the male authority figure in the house and in the family at that time) in the same way.
I had secretly held them both in disdain. I secretly considered myself better, wiser, smarter, more spiritual, more valuable than them. All the while pretending to honor and respect them with my outward actions and non-verbal communication, even though my heart was full of corruption and pride and selfishness. Dear Lord, have mercy.
I didn’t know what to do or where to go from there… I felt absolutely paralyzed. A prayer something like, “Dear God, forgive me. Humble my heart. Have mercy on me. Show me what to say and do,” kept reverberating through my heart.
The person who had driven my mom up to Spokane was able to bring her and her car all the way to our house. (Thank You, Lord! And thank you to that person.) As soon as they arrived, I immediately told them all of the reasons why Keith had suggested that I not drive all the way downtown, and apologized profusely for dishonoring my husband, and for making their evening more difficult.
After the driver had left, Mom and I worked on unloading her things and taking them to her room and getting her settled in there. While we were doing that, Keith left for a while, because he desperately needed to be alone, to think and to pray. When he came back a few hours later, my mom and all of the kids were in bed (it was between 11 p.m. and midnight when he returned). I could tell he was still really hurt and angry because his entire being was completely closed off to me.
With my heart pounding and tears aching in my throat the whole time, I told him what God had shown me about how I had pretended to respect him, but had dishonored him in my heart all of those years, just as I had dishonored my father. I begged for his forgiveness and told him I didn’t know how to change myself, but that God would be the One to do the changing, and would he (Keith) please, please be patient with me, and pray for me toward that end?
All was definitely not okay yet after our conversation, but there was a notably marked thawing in what had been a frigid relational atmosphere. A layer of pretense was replaced with a layer of authenticity. And since then, slowly but surely, things have been changing in my heart and in our relationship, day by day.
This is one small part of an ongoing story that began years ago… Will the other parts be written? Only God knows.
7 comments:
thanks for sharing that. I know with my circumstances from this last year ,that alot of the very same things were brought to light for me. I hd not had the experience to know at that point what I was or was not doing right, but I see so much more clearly now. I pray if I ever get the chance again that I will also be more aware of those issues and will be able to see them more clearly as you yourself are looking to do. Only God can change that in us, and it takes "alot" of work on our part to make that happen. Thanks for being so open and honest so others can see what may be lurking in their own hearts when they read your words. God Bless....Kat
Hi Katrena,
Thank YOU for your very thoughtful and honest comment. I didn't actually expect any comments on this one. It seems like people don't much like to read anything that's more than a few paragraphs long. :) Your comments always mean a lot to me.
God is faithful, and I know His hand is on your life, and guiding your steps, for your ultimate joy, and for His glory.
Love,
Mel
Hi.......
How awesome! Thanks for sharing
touching story. I love reading your blog you always seem so transparent and as if you don't know what you are going to write until it just comes out on the screen and is there for all to see.
Thanks, Susan! Thanks, Laura! I appreciate you taking the time to read this rather lengthy post. God bless both of you! :)
Hi Mel :)
Very interesting slice of your life revealed with utmost honesty and sincerity.
I understand that you are a strong willed person, very independent, capable of taking your own decisions and acting on them on your own without consulting your husband. Probably you don’t want to trouble your husband as far as possible. Your husband is kind hearted and he tells you things that is good for you according to his way of thinking. So there is a clash of ideas. This happens in most families. As long as there is communication between the two of you things can be sorted out. Once the communication breaks down, real problems will arise in the family and there can be serious consequences.
I am not surprised that you disrespected your father. This happens. Children don’t understand the role played by the father. They always think that the father goes out in the morning, enjoys his life, comes back in the evening and tries to dominate everybody in the house. As long as they are small it is OK. When they grow up they take sides and invariably they sympathize with their mother and resent their father for being rude, crude, criticizing, insulting and dictating terms. Many children rebel against their father.
According to the Bible woman was created to make man happy. God made man stronger of the sexes to protect woman. But then, it is the woman who always takes the initiative. She was the first to eat the forbidden fruit and made Adam to eat it too. Adam ate it to protect the woman from the wrath of God. With the advancement of civilization, increase in women’s education and knowledge, women taking up jobs and becoming financially independent, they started asserting themselves. They started questioning man’s superiority over women.
Times have changed, thinking has changed and attitude has changed. There are women who would rather prefer to be a single parent because they want their independence. Women can deliver children, bring them up, support them financially and therefore they do not want a man to meddle in their lives. They want to be free. In a survey conducted recently many youngsters prefer not to get married and have a permanent relationship.
Men have not changed according to the times. They still think they have to protect women and therefore they give unwanted advice and get into trouble with their wives. Some wives are more educated, earn more and are more illustrious than their husbands. They will not take things lying down. Hence the clash.
In Muslim countries, they tend to put women down, deny education and keep them subjugated because the men want to dominate.
With the change in women’s thinking, I wonder what will poor men do. They can no longer dictate terms to their wives. They cannot deliver children. They will be treated only as an instrument of procreation. They will be disrespected and unwanted by their children.
I think God’s intention of creating woman to make man happy has been defeated as soon as Eve ate the forbidden fruit.
I enjoyed reading your post. I hope it will serve as an eye opener for quarrelling couples and children who disrespect their father. One of the Commandments as your know states: HONOUR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER.
I hope my comment is not longer than your post :) :) :)
Have a wonderful day :)
Wow, thank you for sharing your heart and your thoughts with me, Joseph. You truly invested time and energy in this comment, and I'm going to take time to read and think about it carefully. God bless you!
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