Praise God, I hurt my back!

I was trying to clean the dead algae out of our above-ground pool on Saturday, hoping to keep from having to empty the pool and refill it. The dead algae powder is so fine that the pool filter can’t get it out of the water, and the leaf-vacuum bag doesn’t sift it either.

As I was laying in bed half-asleep one night last week, the brilliant (I thought) idea came to me to use a pillowcase to filter the water. So I found an old unmatched pillowcase and threaded a wire hanger through the top seam to keep it open while in the water.

Common sense should have told me how stupid this plan was. A pillowcase full of water is quite heavy, obviously heavier than this back can handle, especially when the pillowcase is being held away from and to the side of the body. I was happily dragging this very heavy bag of water (which only continued to get bigger because the pillowcase was made out of stretchy T-shirt material) through the water, I twisted wrong just once, and CRACK!! – It was all over.

Saturday evening I could hardly walk. Movement of any kind was excruciating. But I couldn’t help laughing through the pain at my own stupidity and the goodness of God in opening my eyes to see yet another area of pride in my life.

My husband has struggled with back issues for the last few years. During the times of his worst pain, I’ve tried to say and do all of the appropriate things, but in my heart of hearts, I really thought he was being a big baby and making a bigger deal of it than it really was.

Sunday afternoon I was sitting on the couch in our family room, and I looked at my husband and said “Sweety, I repent of every horrible, wicked, thoughtless, prideful word I have ever said or thought about your back pain.”

Mind you, the pain I was experiencing, as bad as it was, was only a shadow of the pain he has endured. When I went to the doctor on Monday, they did a bunch of tests and concluded that there wasn’t any actual damage to my spine, but only to the muscle tissue in my lower back, and that it should heal quite nicely on its own.

It’s been It’s been four days now, and my back is probably about 70% better. The best things about this experience have been feeling the closeness and the presence of God, being prayed for by wonderful friends at church on Sunday, and learning just a little bit more how to recognize the voice of pride in my heart.

******

It’s officially been an entire week since I last checked my blog or anyone else’s. (Thank you, Lord!) The temptation the first few days was very powerful, but as the week went on, it got easier to look for other things to do. My kids and I played some games together, our family watched movies together, and I’ve actually managed to cook a real dinner for my family almost every day. These are just baby steps, of course, but it feels good.

Taking a Break...

Blogging, email, 2-dimensional internet connection with other people--they've all become an addiction in my life. I spend hours and hours reading, writing, commenting, checking, and searching, when I should be getting out of the chair and learning how to really be the wife and mom my family needs.

So I'm hoping to limit myself to once per week. If that happens, it'll be by God's grace, because I've proven over and over again how woefully pathetic I am at keeping commitments.

The ghastly monster called Pride, the battle of the Bulge, and other incidentals…

See this tree? This is how I think of the pride in my life. The tree is beautiful, just like I have tried to make beautiful the parts of me that are visible to everyone else--My words, my actions, my face, my attitude. But under the tree is a vast root system. It’s not readily visible, but it permeates much of the ground under the tree and makes its way into and around anything that is in the ground under the tree. Rocks, cables, soil, the roots of other plants, everything. Plus, as useful as they are, roots are really ugly and dirty.

I know there are a million positive connotations to root systems, but for the purpose of this illustration, I’m talking about the roots of the pride in my life. They are ugly. They are everywhere. Removing them is going to be a miracle and an excruciatingly painful process. By the time God is done, I don’t know what will be left of my life. I trust Him completely, in spite of the pain I know is coming, but I know that even that trust is a gift from Him, for which I am inexpressibly thankful.

******

People who know me and see me frequently are well aware that I’ve gained a considerable amount of weight in a short amount of time. When we got back from our Florida trip in May, I weighed in at 168 lbs and was wearing a size 12. Today I weighed in at 184 lbs and am wearing a size 16. I don’t know when this weight gain will stop, but I do know why it’s happening.

The few times in the last few years that I’ve been able to lose weight, I did so with the help of diet pills that contained ephedrine. They increased my energy, decreased my appetite, and sped up my metabolism. Only a very few people knew that I was taking them, and the reason I didn’t tell many people was because I knew that they would try to talk me out of taking them, and I didn’t want to be talked out of it. I wanted to lose weight, no matter what the cost – to feel confident and attractive and to be able to wear stylish, feminine clothing. As I would lose weight, the compliments would flow in, with their addictive rush, and fertilizer for my already-flourishing pride. (As far as I can see right now, of all of the problems in my life, pride is by far the worst, the most subtle, the most invasive, the most pervasive, and the one that most powerfully impacts all the rest.)

It was exceedingly stupid for me to take those pills. Ephedrine is addictive and has a whole host of possible side effects (some of them deadly). Even more than that, there is a history of bi-polar disorder in my family, a disorder which is hereditary and which I am at a high risk of. For me to consciously put a brain chemistry altering substance into my body without the supervision of a doctor was utterly foolish, and had consequences that are so far-reaching, I haven’t even discovered all of them yet.

******

Keith and I have been married for almost 12 years. To my shame, most of that time, I’ve felt like I got the short end of the stick and he got a really good deal. I’ve consistently felt like that, until recently.

With my husband, what you see is what you get. When he’s mad, you know it, and you know why. When he’s depressed, same thing. Sad, same thing. However he’s feeling or whatever he’s going through, whatever he’s hoping for or planning for, whatever he’s comfortable with or not comfortable with--he lays it all out for everyone to see. It’s utterly impossible for him to be fake.

I, on the other hand, am a seriously confusing mess of conflicting emotions, wavering decisions, misplaced desires and selfish motivations. For the first time ever, I feel sincere gratitude that he’s decided to stick it out through the long haul, and compassion for him because I’m just beginning to see how having someone like me as a life partner is actually more of a burden than a blessing in many ways.

The way most people view me and the way most people view him is completely backwards and utterly unfair. He is a diamond in the rough—a compassionate, hard-working, generous person who loves righteousness and is a good person in absolutely every way that he knows how to be. His outer shell might be a little rough, but on the inside, he glistens.

I am exactly the opposite. The outer shell that most people seem to like so much, only serves to hide the confusing mess on the inside. It’s like tooth enamel that on the surface is white and seemingly-impenetrable, but it hides the inside of the tooth which is full of rotting decay.

I learned a long time ago to become good – or at least to appear to become good - at things that seemed to be difficult for most people. Things like taking the blame, apologizing with sincerity, turning the other cheek, overlooking offenses, graciously receiving criticism, loving and praying for my enemies, submitting cheerfully to authority, etc.

Those pursuits still seem honorable to me, but I went about it all wrong. I decided what those characteristics should look like and made myself act that way. But the actions didn’t flow from a sincere heart, they flowed from a heart that wanted the approval of people and thought it could earn points with God by behaving a certain way.

I learned to school my emotions and literally glided through life without allowing myself to feel anger, frustration, hurt, sorrow, disappointment, and a whole host of other unpleasant emotions. But of course, there are many times in life when it’s appropriate to feel those emotions and inappropriate to not feel them. They energize us and motivate us to press towards change in areas where change is necessary.

******

I love my job because it fits me, I’m very confident in it, never bored, and I feel like I’m pretty good at it. I tell people all the time that I love all the days of the week the same, because I love being at work as much as I love being at home. The truth is, I love being at work even more than I love being at home, for the reasons I just listed. At home I feel like I’m floating in an ocean of inconstant waves, which I am. I so desperately want to be faithful with everything God has trusted me with, but I’m too tired, too lazy, and too scared to do what it takes to figure out what that really means and apply it. So I stand in the kitchen and eat, and think about all the work that needs to be done, and all the relationship-building that needs to be done, and all of the character training that needs to be done, and allow myself to be immobilized by the sheer overwhelming-ness of it all.

******

Keith and I went to the recovery program at our church for the first time last night. It felt really great to be there, to finally be taking this step. Plus, we were in a room full of people we love, who love us, and who will continue to love us no matter what. Praise God for taking care of His children so faithfully. Only He knows how much we really have to recover from, but I know it’s a lot more than what I originally thought. God uses the weak and broken to accomplish His work, though, so I’m looking forward to see what He’s going to do with these fragile shards we’re handing Him.

“He who exhibits no faults is a fool or a hypocrite whom we should distrust.” – Joubert

I have been a people-pleaser for as long as I can remember. In my desperate quest for the love and acceptance of my peers when I was a child, I learned the kinds of people other people like to be around, and tried to become one of those people. I found out how much I disliked being around complainers and whiners, back-biters and braggers, and determined I would never do any of those things. Which might all be good things to try to avoid, but my motivation was all wrong. To be loved and accepted by other people was the idol I bowed to, again, and again, and again.

I learned how to hide my feelings and deny my desires and to do and be and say exactly what I thought the other person or people in the room wanted me to do and be and say. I became quite good at lying and speaking in half-truths and not speaking at all, even when what I had to say really needed to be said. And when I lied, it was with what I thought was the noble, self-sacrificing attitude of a martyr. Yeah, I was lying by denying what I really wanted or liked, but I had honestly deceived myself into thinking it was okay because I was letting the other person have what they really wanted or liked and they didn’t even have to feel guilty about the sacrifice I was making for them.

Guess what, Mel… There’s no such thing as a noble lie.

I weaved a web of lies and deceit and lost myself in the process. Who is Melanie Coe, really? I don’t even know.

So because I don’t want to be a fool, or a hypocrite, these are my most glaring faults, in a nutshell:

I’m proud.
I’m a liar.
I’m not a very good wife.
I’m a pathetic mother.
I’m lazy.
I’m weak.
I’m exceedingly selfish.
I’m a really good faker.

I know these words sound like the words of someone who is feeling persecuted and sorry for herself, but I’m not feeling either of those things, actually, not at all. It’s freeing and cleansing to have the ugliness that’s inside me exposed to the light of day. Here you go, God. These are the ashes of my life. Please, by Your infinite grace, make something beautiful out of them and bring glory to Your name.

(The photo came from the internet, and the beginning quote came from Fred’s blog.)

I received an email from a very dear friend of mine. It was painful to read, but it was appreciated. He shared some constructive criticism that really hit home. One of the things he said related to being authentic. I do love God, with all my heart, more than anything or anyone. When I’m walking in the Spirit, He is my source of everything – faith, joy, peace, contentment, power, wisdom, etc. When I’m walking in the flesh, I struggle with being tempted by other things. Sometimes I give in to temptation. May God forgive me for portraying other than an accurate picture of myself.

Here are some thoughts I’ve been pondering this morning, after shedding many tears last night over pain my own mistakes have caused, to others and to myself.

“It’s better to be hated for who you are, than to be loved for who you are not.” – Author Unknown

“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.” – Proverbs 27:6

“Perfume and incense bring joy to the heart, and the pleasantness of one's friend springs from his earnest counsel.” – Proverbs 27:9

“If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up!” – Ecclesiastes 4:10

This is some of my daughter Linnea's artwork...

God can and does use anything and everything to speak to us and move in our lives. It’s such a beautiful, humbling, amazing thing to watch Him work through everyday life and circumstances, and to sense the Divine in the ordinary.

I have struggled with worshiping the idol of my appetite for food my entire life. I started gaining weight when I was 12 and stayed heavy through the rest of my school years. As an adult, my weight has been up and down, with a tendency towards up.

In my head, I understand the multiple priceless benefits of a healthy diet and exercise. What’s even worse is that I really want those many benefits right now and for the future, but the insatiable craving for all things tasty still remains. Twix Bars, cheesecake, pizza, tacos, popcorn, ice cream – I’m ashamed to admit it, but I want the immediate gratification that comes from enjoying these treats even more than I want the many wonderful benefits that would come from abstaining from them.

Last year I read a John Piper message about the renewing of the spirit of the mind, and how God-honoring living springs forth automatically from a mind that is renewed. It is a message that changed my life dramatically, forever and for the better.

A few months ago I started praying that God would renew my eating habits and reset all of my physical appetites by renewing my mind in those areas. I love to fast, and have used fasting successfully as weight control for the last couple of years. But the last six months or so, I haven’t been able to do it. Still, I’ve stubbornly clung to the idea and have rejected any other diet ideas until recently, when God stepped in forcefully to show me another path to follow.

Health problems like cancer and heart disease run in my family anyway, and I had received a disturbing test result at a routine physical recently that got me really thinking about these things. On Sunday, July 6, 2008, during a powerful time of worship at our church, God impressed upon my heart that if I don’t change my health habits, I will probably die young.

The very next day, I received an email from a good friend regarding this topic, in which he suggested several mind-renewing ideas about learning how to eat healthy and take good care of myself. At first when I read it, I thought, sure, I’ll eat healthy, but first I’m going to fast.

But then that Wednesday, at our 7 p.m. home group meeting, we had a time of prayer during which one person would stand in the middle, and everyone else would gather round and pray for them. During that time, people were free and encouraged to share insights, revelations, and observations with the person who was being prayed for. When it was my turn to be prayed for, one of the ladies in the group (an AWESOME prayer warrior) looked right at me and said “God wants you to shelve it. I don’t know what that means, but He wants you to shelve it.”

Immediately when she said that, I knew God was speaking to me through her that He doesn’t want me to fast right now. But almost as immediately, the stubbornness in me argued back and said He couldn’t possibly mean that, He must mean something else.

However, the next morning I couldn’t sleep at about 5 a.m. and was laying in bed praying. I asked God to show me what He meant when He said “shelve it.” And I realized beyond a shadow of a doubt that He wants me to shelve the idea of fasting. I love that He used that word, too, because it means that He doesn’t want me to get rid of the practice of fasting entirely, but that He wants me to put it on a shelf until after I’ve learned how to take care of myself, and to bring it back out at a later time when He tells me to.

That same day, I took my daughter to a local 2nd hand store at her request, and as she was browsing, I went to the book section. I never go to the book section there because there’s no order to the books, but on this day, I felt like there was something there God wanted me to find. And sure enough, on the top rack of books, right in the middle, was a book that jumped out at me called “The Maker’s Diet.” God reached into the river of books in this world and plucked this one out and handed it to me.

So now He’s doing exactly what I wanted Him to do… Through faithful friends and this amazing book, He is renewing my mind in the area of health and food and eating. Thank you, Lord!

“…you don’t have what you want because you don’t ask God for it. And even when you ask, you don’t get it because your motives are all wrong—you want only what will give you pleasure.” James 4: 2, 3 (NLT)

“Never stop praying.” 1 Thess 5:17 (NLT)

I’ve been thinking a lot about prayer...

Our church had a 24-hour prayer watch the last weekend in June. It was quite the surreal experience. My mind has been chewing on several ideas ever since.

I used to feel guilty about not setting aside a specific time for prayer every day, as though prayers offered during such times are any more meaningful or powerful than prayers that are offered at any other place or during any other time. My belief now is that the power of prayer is not determined by any given place or time, but the One Who inspires the prayer in the first place.

There are so many things to pray for, that if we made a list of everything there is to pray for, we could spend the rest of our lives in dedicated prayer and still never come to the end of the list. When I make a list and try to pray for the items on it, my prayers feel dead and cold, and usually end up putting me to sleep or just being empty words spoken while my mind wanders to other thoughts.

I believe that when God begins to move in a certain way or a given situation, He usually begins with a move of prayer by planting desire, motivation and vision within His people. But it starts with Him, not with us. We simply respond to the moving of His Spirit.

I am deeply bothered by the way some people pray these days. Claiming things, thanking God in advance, declaring certain outcomes as though those outcomes were already absolute fact. Now, if it is God who has birthed the belief or the faith, that’s a beautiful thing, because all true faith comes from Him anyway and is a gift, not something that we can take any credit for. But if such prayers are motivated by a desire to move the hand of God according to our own will or our own desire or for our own profit or what seems good to us, then that bothers me.

If our “faith” is simply a powerful emotion we’ve stirred up in our own hearts by our own power, our own emotions, our own wishes, our own will, or a belief that doing such will somehow move God’s hand or obligate Him to anything, what good is there in that? I don’t believe God is influenced at all by such things.

I hear people proclaim physical healing as though it were already accomplished, over and over again for years on end. Perhaps it’s not healing we’re supposed to be praying for, or at least not so much. Perhaps what we should pray for instead is more of God Himself and for Him to be glorified in whatever happens in every detail of life.

Perhaps He is not always most glorified by a physical healing. Perhaps sometimes He is most glorified by a person who lives with chronic pain and yet is completely satisfied and joyful in God alone, in spite of the pain and suffering.

Corrie Ten Boom, 5 years before she died, was visited by an angel who told her that she could choose between dying then and going home to Heaven, or she could choose to live on earth for 5 more years, but if she chose that, she would be in pain the entire time.

Her response to this was to ask, “Which one will bring more glory to my Father?”, to which the angel replied that living 5 more years in pain on earth would bring Him the most glory. She chose living with pain 5 more years because that was the option that brought most glory to God.

Think of all of the faithful and faith-filled saints throughout the centuries that have died. Many of them died at a young age of horrible diseases after much suffering. Many of them were prayed for by hundreds, if not thousands, of people, including their own selves.

St. Therese, as she lay dying a painful death from tuberculosis at the age of 24, said that she had reached the end of suffering, because even suffering had become a joy to her. Her entire life, from the age of 15, was purposefully lived for God’s glory.

Was it because these beautiful children of God didn’t have enough faith or because the right words weren’t used when they were being prayed for that these people died? May God have mercy on us for thinking such things. Perhaps it’s because He wanted to bring them into the supreme joy and glory of His presence. Perhaps it’s because they longed for Himself more than anything or anyone on earth, including God’s blessings and promises…

Nearly every time I pray, unless God has laid something specific on my heart already, I always ask Him to pray through me and to let my desires mirror His own. And then, until He leads me to pray for something specific, I pray for things that I know can never be wrong, for myself and others:

For eyes to see Him more clearly.
For ears to hear His voice.
For a heart that treasures Him and loves what He loves.
For understanding and wisdom and the fear of the Lord.
For the ability to trust Him completely and believe everything He says.
For strong faith.
For His perfect will to be accomplished in all things.
For His name to be glorified by every detail of Creation, seen and unseen.
For His fame and renown to reach every corner of the earth.
For His truth to prevail always and in all ways.

These prayers set my heart on fire and fill me with joy and peace indescribable. I know that other people are gifted by God to pray in other ways and for other things. I praise Him for this beautiful diversity and I pray that His people will join together in delighting and rejoicing in the wonder of all of His attributes.

Happy Birthday to our adorable granddaughter Alexis and our beautiful daughter Kristina. Alexis is Kristina's daughter. She turned four yesterday, July 2, and Kristina will turn 22 on July 8. ~

Alexis is a charming, brilliant, delightful child and I can't wait to see what God has in store for her life. She lives with her great-grandparents on 20 acres in the mountains outside of Colville, so she gets plenty of exercise, fresh air, and exposure to many of the wonders of God's marvelous creation. ~

Kristina is fun and bubbly. She always smiles, loves life, and makes the most of each moment as it comes. Recently she completed a CNA course and passed the state exam with flying colors. She has been working at a care center, which is a perfect job for her, because she loves people and people love her. ~

It is a privilege and blessing to be a part of this family of beautiful people, and I pray that God will continue to knit our hearts and lives together. ~

The Anchor in the Storm

It's hard for me to write about this because I don't want anyone who reads this to be concerned, worried or anxious for me or for my family in any way. By God's grace, I certainly am not worried about it, but am constantly praying for God's perfect will to be done, whatever it looks like.

Keith is in the middle of changing jobs, which means that we've gone from having an income that more than met our monthly obligations, to having an income that covers about 10% of our monthly obligations. He and several other people are beginning a new business together, and only God knows how long it will be before Keith's income reaches a level that will cover our bills. It's very possible that we could lose our savings, our home, our credit, and whatever other earthly security there is in life.

In addition to the challenge of beginning a new business in a sluggish economy, there have been many other roadblocks and pitfalls that have cropped up. Some of them have been traps that have been purposefully laid by others with the express intent of doing us harm.

And finally, there are, of course, the daily ups and downs of learning how to live and work with and unconditionally love the people around us, and of learning how to speak the truth in love and receive and appreciate the sincere thoughts and ideas of others with grace and humility.

Keith and I have talked and prayed about this at length, and fully believe that God has lead us to this place. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that He is always good and always faithful, and that whatever happens, even when we make mistakes, we are in His hands. That's why I'm not worried about this at all, and am constantly looking heavenward with joyful expentancy, knowing that whatever happens, it will be for our ultimate good, and, infinitely more importantly, for God's eternal glory.

Happy Anniversary to my oldest daughter, Lisa, and her husband, Dustin!

They celebrated their 5th anniversary on June 7, 2008, and I just want to say how proud I am of both of them. Marriage in this culture during this time in history can be such a difficult challenge, and their flourishing relationship is truly a testimony to the grace and faithfulness of God, and to the benefit of surrounding ourselves with people who will speak God's truth into our lives.

Marriage is many wonderful things, but one of the best is that it's an illustration in the physical realm of the spiritual reality of Christ's relationship to His people. Lisa and Dusty are a beautiful, shining example of that. I thank God for both of these delightful young people, and pray His continued blessing over them in all they do.

Happy Birthday to my beautiful daughter Linnea, who turns 13 today! ~

Linnea is my first born and is such a joy and delight to my life. Being her mother is a great honor and priceless privilege. ~

What a sweet spirit she has! Little children flock to her because they sense that she sincerely cares about them -- about their well-being, their comfort and their enjoyment of whatever circumstance they find themselves in. ~

Her heart generates a joy of its own, no matter what difficult situation she may find herself in. She readily bounces back from disappointment or failure, and has shown a unique ability to love people unconditionally. I am continually amazed and inspired by her maturity and wisdom. ~

One of these days I hope to post some of her beautiful artwork on my blog. ~

Linnea, if you read this, I want you to know that I thank God for you every single time I think of you, and I pray that His presence will continually be your light and comfort. I love you.

Abundant Life!

John 10:10 KJV - "The thief cometh not, but for to steal, and to kill, and to destroy: I am come that they might have life, and that they might have it more abundantly."
John 8:32 KJV "And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free."
I used to view abundant life as something most of us are still waiting to realize--having a lot of money, good health, flourishing relationships, a nice home, nice cars, a vacation every once in a while and the admiration and acceptance of our peers, just to name a few.

God showed me a long time ago that abundant life has nothing to do with "stuff", and everything to do with Him. Life on this side of Heaven will never be perfect. Now I realize that abundant life begins when we really, really, really believe that God is good, that every good gift is a blessing to be enjoyed with gratitude and faithfulness, and every difficulty is something that a good God allows for a good reason--to change us ever-more into the image of His Son.

Abundant life has everything to do with freedom, freedom in Christ. Freedom in Christ happens when He opens our eyes to see the truth, in concepts both large and small.

With the truth that He loves us as we are and paid an unimaginable price to redeem us to Himself forever (Thank You, Lord!), God set me free from the bondage of competetiveness and the need to prove my worth and value by being good and doing the right things.

With the truth that He loves us perfectly and that He works everything together for good, He set me free from the prison of fear.

He set me free from the chains of criticism with the truth that a spirit of criticism never comes from Him and only serves to steal joy, distort truth and harm relationships.

He set me free from covetousness, dissatisfaction and depression when He filled my heart with overwhelming gratitude and gave me eyes to see the truth of His constant beautiful presence in all of life.

He set me free from weariness with the truth that His joy is my strength, and because His joy is infinite, the strength He gives me is also infinite. He also showed me how to plug in to that powerful source anytime or anywhere, and the way is, for me, through music.

He set me free from unrighteous anger and frustration with the truth that the situations that tend to produce those emotions in my heart are situations that God uses to teach me and draw me nearer to Himself.

He set me free from the burden of judging others with the truth that judgment is His job, not mine, and that my job and my delight is simply to love God and love people.

By enabling me to enjoy each experience in each moment of every day for its own worth, He freed me from the bondage of frequently wanting to be somewhere else, doing something else. When I'm at work, I love being at work. When I'm at home, I love being at home. When I'm engaged in a conflict of some sort, I love it, because it teaches me how to depend on God's presence for wisdom and peace and guidance.

He set me free from pride when He showed me that anything good in me comes from Him alone, and how desperately I need and depend on Him every moment of every day.

This really is the abundant life. I don't take any credit for it whatsoever. My heart overflows with gratitude for this unending Source of life, joy, peace and contentment, and cries out to God to reveal Himself to every living being, according to His perfect will.

The Issue of Trust

I don't even really know when it happened. I just realized one day that I don't think about trusting people anymore. God has completely freed me from that burden of questioning people, guessing at motives, of being suspicious. People are people. Even the most mature, wise, fruit-bearing, self-sacrificing, joyful, delightful people are still just people--flawed, imperfect people. I can't trust myself, whom I know better than anyone else on the planet. So how can I trust someone else, even if they believe that they are trustworthy? But I do trust them. It's another one of those beautiful God paradoxes.

It's so cut-and-dried as to be humorous in its simplicity. It doesn't matter that people aren't trustworthy, because God is. I can trust God. I do trust God.

I trust that He is on the perfect side of good all the time and cannot be otherwise, ever. I trust that He has a plan that He is working out down to the tiniest seen and unseen details every day according to His sovereign, omniscient knowledge of the big picture. I trust that even when I make mistakes, when I've believed lies to be truth, when I've failed myself and others, when other people are cruel and unreasonable and have failed themselves and others, God in His glorious grace and limitless mercy, can and does work in and through those things.

A Word at Walmart

Have you met God? I mean really met Him? There is no joy or glory in life that can even come close to comparing to really knowing God intimately.

So much of what I see and hear from people leads me to believe that, while they may have accepted Christ as their Savior, while they may think they believe certain things about God, their vision of Him is merely a shadow of the True Beauty and Magnificence that He is.

God gave me a word at the valley Wal-Mart in January, 2006. He started speaking to me near the east entrance by the carts, and my heart started racing, my hands started shaking, and as the words were being birthed in my mind and heart, there was an incredulous part of me that was sitting back watching, going, "Wow, this is really happening, you're really receiving a word from the Lord. In Wal-Mart of all places!" I'd heard of people receiving words from the Lord before, and I had had moments of inspiration that I took to be words from the Lord, but this was unique in that they were exact words, phrases and sentences instead of vague and wordless pictures or concepts.

I took a piece of paper and a pen out of my purse with shaking hands and wrote as fast as I could so I wouldn't forget what was being said. I had goosebumps and a grave sense of being in the presence of holiness, of greatness, and of the importance of what was being said. He continued to talk to me as I was walking through the store and finished when I was back by the milk. I was so filled with joy and wonder and excitement that I took a few moments to praise and thank God in my spirit. I was smiling gleefully and the people around me must have thought I was crazy. They would look at me and I would just smile at them like I had just won the lottery or something.

Then, because joy, pleasure, and triumph are usually not complete until they've been shared with other people, I called my husband and told him what had just happened.

Here it is, and God has spent the last 2 1/2 years of my life teaching me what it really means:

January 21, 2006

God desires radical obedience.
Radical obedience is an automatic by-product of knowing God intimately.
Because when we know Him intimately, we can’t not trust Him.
And when we trust Him absolutely, His words, commands, laws, and principles become life and healing and wholeness to us.
Jesus said His yoke is easy and the burden light.
Do you feel burdened down by what you feel are the “have to’s” of a Christian Life? Don’t!
Make seeking to know God more your most passionate daily pursuit, and all the rest will fall into place.

I'll say the last line again, because God has taught me, in the deepest part of my heart, that this is what all of life is about:

Make seeking to know God more your most passionate daily pursuit, and all the rest will fall into place.

Wow.

Our vacation was a gift from God. His hand, His voice, and His presence were evident every step of the way.

We left on Monday, May 5th and returned on Friday, May 23rd. The first part of our journey consisted of a couple of days in Ft. Lauderdale, FL, and a few days in Freeport, Grand Bahamas. The beauty of God’s creation in that part of the world is absolutely mind-blowing.

I couldn’t get enough of the ocean, sun and soft, white sand of the beach by our resort in Freeport. One of my favorite things to do was to go out into the ocean, by myself, looking out over the water and just meditating on how grand and glorious God is, asking Him to draw me nearer to Himself, and worshipping Him with thoughts and prayers based on the beautiful truths of a few of my favorite hymns and songs. (I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of the hymn “Be Thou My Vision.”)

On Saturday, May 17th, we went to a wonderful theme park called “The Holy Land Experience.” Anyone who watches TBN will probably be familiar with it. It was one of my favorite parts of the whole trip. In a world and culture of selfish pleasure-seeking, this enlightening experience was an oasis of truth and light and crystal-clear, ice-cold, refreshing, rejuvenating Living Water.

On Sunday, May 18th, we went to the church of and spent some time with some very dear friends of ours. It was at their church that God spoke so clearly and profoundly to my heart to let me know that yes, we are exactly where He wants us to be, and yes, we are listening to His voice and direction.

First of all, the name of the church was “New Hope Presbyterian.” Secondly, the message printed on a leaf of the bulletin was “God’s presence our Joy” and contained one of my very favorite C.S. Lewis quotes. Next, the message was preached on a portion of Isaiah that one of my husband’s current favorite songs is based on. Finally, it was such a blessing to be able to sing an actual hymn with a whole room of people instead of all by myself.

After church our friends blessed us with a delicious meal, warm hospitality and a conversation that left us spiritually full and alive, and hungry for more of God. May they continue to be blessed with the riches of His grace and the satisfaction of His manifest presence, and may His matchless name be glorified forever.

My favorite quote

"The battle is not to do, but to see." -- John Piper

What this says to me is that when we see the truth clearly, we act accordingly automatically. Only God can open the eyes of a person's heart, and, all glory and praise be to His name, He uses any and every tool available to accomplish this, according to His perfect will, and in His own timing (which is always perfect!).

What happened on Friday

I used to be afraid of relationships. It was difficult bordering on impossible for me to let anyone see my true self or to be honest about my failings and struggles. When God set me free from fear, it ushered in a new season of learning how to connect with people on a more real level, and it has been a faith walk to be sure.

The newest and most world-view-altering part of this faith so far is to realize and delight in the fact that God is absolutely sovereign and supreme over all things, including my will, mind, heart, choices, desires and everything else. Everything I do, even my mistakes, are part of the grand plan He has. Not that He causes me to make mistakes, but He does allow it, and whatever He causes or allows is always for a good reason.

On Friday I did something that caused another person, or perhaps several people, pain. It was the first time since February that I have experienced genuine grief over the affect of my actions on someone else, and the first time since then that I've really felt any kind of doubt and insecurity and really deeply questioned my own heart's motivation.

If I'm walking by the Spirit and being led by Him constantly, how could this have happened? Is my ability to hear His voice and sense His leading so dismal? How is it possible for me to advance with complete confidence into a situation that will bring pain to someone else unnecessarily without sensing at least a slight nudge from the Holy Spirit that this is not the direction He wants me to go?

I wrestled with these questions all Friday evening and until Saturday evening, praying and worshiping and crying out to God to open my eyes and renew my mind and teach me what He would have me learn from this. Faithful and personal God that He is, He settled my spirit and comforted my heart to know that my motivations were, in fact, pure, and that this is another step in the process of learning how to navigate the waters of human interaction in a way that is God-honoring and God-glorifying. He also showed me that even when something is not expressly forbidden in scripture, He will many times call us to limit ourselves, to hold ourselves back, not because what we want to do is wrong necessarily, but because the sacrifice shows our trust in God and love, honor and respect to and for another person.

We are called to submit to one another. May our eyes be opened to see the beauty and value of true submission and what it really means.

Hymns: A Mega-dose of Rock-solid Theology

At the Women of Faith Conference this year, the theme was "Infinite Grace." When asked what her favorite hymn was, Luci Swindoll said "A Mighty Fortress is Our God." She said she loves hymns because they're so full of rock-solid theology, and that she loves this hymn in particular because it covers so many of the bases.

God has been drawing my heart to hymns more and more over the last few years, and since the conference He's laid song after song on my heart. I go to "cyberhymnal" and print out the words to each song, and then I pray through them. God is, well, He's indescribable! I'm beginning to understand just a tiny bit more what "infinite" really means.

This is my hymn for this season. Look at these words and think about them:

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art.
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower;
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always;
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.


Doesn't that just make our spirits soar? If it doesn't, I pray we'll seek God for His vision.

Florida, here we come! Lord willing, of course.



We've been planning this trip to Florida for over a year now, and here we are with the date almost upon us already. We're scheduled to fly out on Monday evening. Our daughter Lisa is going with us, and we're also taking our daughters Linnea and Megan and our son, Stephen, with us. Our little ones, Rebecca and Michael, will be staying with my husband's mom and her husband on their 20 acres in the mountains outside of Colville.



People keep asking me if I'm so excited for our trip. And the answer is yes, of course I'm excited. I'm especially excited for my husband and my daughters Lisa and Linnea, because they are looking forward to this trip with great anticipation and have been for months. Lord willing, it will be a time of great refreshing and rejuvination for all of them.

I, on the other hand, am wading in the waters of uncharted territory in this amazing adventure of being God's child. Vacation is going to be wonderful, different from the norm, exciting and experiential. It is not, however, going to be any better than any other aspect of my life. I love it all, even the painful and frustrating stuff, because everything, absolutely everything, points me towards the face and heart of Christ. You know that nervous, butterflies in the stomach feeling when you're really, really looking forward to something and just can't wait for it to get here? That's how I feel all the time. I just can't wait to hear God's voice, to see His hands at work, and to have a greater revelation of His heart and passion. It can and does happen anywhere and at anytime, especially in the difficult places. Ah, Life! How could it be any better?

There's this rock...

A friend of mine showed me the prototype of a product she's thinking of making as a side business. It's a rock with a message engraved in it. When I first saw it, it wasn't finished yet, but I saw enough to know I loved it immediately. It reminded me of the verse that talks about the rocks crying out in praise to Jesus if the people didn't do it.

A week later, I was able to buy the finished rock at an auction our church held as a fundraiser. I didn't even know that there was going to be a live auction, or that the rock was one of the items. But as soon as I heard our lovely auctioneer mention the rock her friend had made, I knew exactly which rock she was talking about, and also knew that I was supposed to have it and that I would spare no expense to make it my own. $35 later, I had this precious rock in my hands. I consider it a gift from God. He gave me the money, the power to earn the money, the love for the rock and the ears to hear His voice through it.

God speaks to me through this piece of the earth. He made it, probably hundreds-if not thousands-of years ago. It reminds me that everything that exists was created to bring glory and honor to Him, and that we are just a small part of the tapestry He is weaving in the fabric of time.

Then, at the right time, He moved through a person, by inspiring her and planting a vision within her, to pick up this rock and mold it and shape it so that it would proclaim the message it was designed to proclaim, and thus fulfill its purpose.

What is the message it was designed to proclaim? This: “It’s all God.”

We’re all familiar with the expression, “It’s all good.” And it is all good. But even more, it’s all God. Not that the rock or any other created matter is God, but that He created it, He holds the atoms and the molecules together by His power, and He gives meaning to its existence and it exists for His glory. In the same way, He created us and holds us together and gives us meaning and we exist to bring glory to Him. And everything that happens anywhere in the universe and beyond, no matter what it looks like or feels like, is either caused by Him or allowed by Him for a very good reason.

That’s what “It’s all God” means to me. As my fingers trace over these beautiful words etched in stone, I delight in the truth and beauty of our amazing Father God, and His peace overwhelms me.

Children and Pain

If pain is such an powerful tool in the hands of God, if it is so effective at shaping us and opening our eyes to the great truths of Who He is and what His presence means in our life, why, oh why(!) do we go to such great lengths to eliminate pain from our children's lives? Seriously.

For instance, I used to feel so guilty when my kids would come to me complaining of boredom. Like I was a total failure or something. So I'd do everything I could to keep them from getting bored, which usually meant giving them something. A new toy, a new game, a new movie, ideas, suggestions, whatever.

Then it occurred to me that every single great success story I've ever heard involves someone who has excelled and succeeded in spite of overwhelming odds against them, tragedy, or extraordinary challenges. We all know so many examples of people who have been given every advantage and spared every possible difficulty by their parents, and yet they grow up to rebel against everything they were taught to believe and to walk a path of suffering caused by the consequences of their own choices.

At the Contagious Joy Women of Faith Conference in 2006, the common denominator in every single story of how God had worked to bring joy into the lives of the speakers, was that before He brought the joy, there was a great deal of sorrow first.

I don't jump when my kids say their bored anymore. Instead I say something like, "You know, with your creative mind, I'm certain you'll be able to think of something to do."

Boredom can give birth to all kinds of wonders of creativity and productivity. Sorrow can give birth to humor and light-heartedness. Anger can give birth to energy, motivation and positive, influential, life-changing choices.

I've chosen to watch and wait and see what God will do as I stand back and let Him do His work in the lives of my children.

More about pain...

We spend so much time, money, effort and energy trying to avoid pain. But pain is a huge part of this life, and every single painful thing I've ever gone through has ended up being a blessing. Usually because God has used it to open my eyes to see Him more clearly. Sometimes because it has opened doors to communication and relationships with other people. Always because there is a valuable lesson to be learned from it.

I can honestly say this now, for the first time in my life: When something painful happens, I give God praise and glory, because I trust Him, and I know that it is just the beginning of something wonderful He is going to do. I'm not afraid of pain anymore. I don't hate pain anymore, or even dislike it.

The other day I stubbed my toe on a table leg. At one time, I would have almost passed out from something like that. Everything in my life at that moment would have been consumed by it. But this time, I thought to myself, "Hmmm, it's just pain. No big deal." And you know what? The physical pain I was feeling immediately decreased by about 75% and was completely gone in a minute or so. I didn't feel compelled to hop around, mutter expletives or suck air through my teeth. Praise God! I'm excited to experience the rest of my life with this new-found insight... that the value of pain is something to be embraced, not run from or denied.

Let's talk about paradoxes and pain...

God is a God of paradoxes. It's miraculous and breathtaking when He opens our eyes to recognize His voice and His fingerprints in a life, relationship, problem, or situation.

When our church went through "The Purpose-Driven Life" in 2004, I remember reading about "EGR" or "Extra-Grace-Required" people. I took it to mean the people who, when you see them coming, you want to go the other direction. Or the member of a group that everyone just kind of puts up with because they know they have to. When I read about them, being a people-pleasing phlegmatic in temperament myself, I thought to myself how dreadful it would be to be considered an "EGR" person. It was my worst nightmare!

The funny thing is, ever since God got ahold of my heart (I mean REALLY got ahold of it) at the end of 2007, I have become one of those people. The more intimately I know Him, the more I delight in His presence and all of the attributes of His character, the more I become one of those people.

I used to be controlled by fear. It was a mountain in my life that I didn't even recognize because it had always been there and I had grown comfortable with it, but it affected everything I said and did, and everything I didn't say or do. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of hurting people, fear of physical and emotional pain... You name it. If a person could be afraid of it, I was afraid of it. The fear in my heart kept me from getting close to people. I lived in bondage to fear and secrecy and pride. I couldn't share my heart or my true self or my true feelings with anyone for a variety of selfish and "religious" reasons.

Now, miraculously, all of that fear is gone. I can tell you the exact day it happened. February 8, 2008. God called me to do something, to have a difficult conversation with two people that I consider to be incredibly intimidating. For two weeks I prayed, and asked other people to pray for me, that God would speak through me and that His strength would be made perfect in my weakness.

I went into that encounter expecting God to move, and to open the eyes of the other people. But what happened is that He used the experience to open my eyes instead, and one of the things He showed me was how much I had allowed fear to control my life.

The Bible says perfect love casts out fear. I am not afraid anymore, because I know and believe that God loves me, loves us all, perfectly, and that everything He does is for our good. He is faithful, even when we're not, and He brings good out of all things, even our failures and mistakes. Only God can do that, and He is amazing!

The search ends here. The search for joy, pleasure, meaning, purpose and satisfaction. I know without question that what God has done in my heart is something that everyone is looking for in one way or another, or many ways. May we all have eyes to see and ears to hear these glorious truths!

How do I describe it...?

God is perfect and complete within Himself. In His Own Existence, He is perfectly sufficient! He doesn't need us, because He doesn't have any needs. However, because of His amazing glory and holiness, He loves us and wants us. The same way that He is sufficient in Himself, He wants to be our sufficiency as well. When we are completely, over-the-top, sold-out satisfied in Him alone(which we can only be through Christ's redemptive work) we no longer need people or things or anything else. And we become gloriously, utterly free -- free to love people, including ourselves, and to want relationship with the real them, not because of our own need, but because God's own unconditional love for them is overflowing through us. We are free from all fear, including fear of pain and failure. Free from the heavy burdens of duty and striving. Free from guilt and covetousness and condemnation.

I believe with my whole heart that God wants us to be so full of joy in Him, that we can honestly say this: Even if I were alone, homeless, hungry and painfully ill, with not a penny or possession to my name, I would be content. Jesus, You truly are all I need.

How can we be afraid? How DARE we be afraid?

On the trip to work this morning, I was listening to my current favorite CD "Kutless: Strong Tower" and praying and thinking about this awesome God we serve.

It's very simple, actually. We have a God who is infinitely perfect and glorious, Who loves us more than we love ourselves, Who sees absolutely every detail of the BIG picture, and Who has promised us that He causes everything to work together for our good....

When we are afraid, or discouraged, or frustrated, what we're actually saying is that we don't believe Him. Are we afraid or discouraged or frustrated? I challenge us all to remember that the second we begin to feel even the slightest tinge of any of those emotions, we should take our eyes off of the finite problem and fix them instead on our infinite Creator.

This is what I've been praying for lately: That God would reveal and magnify His glory in our thoughts, words, desires, plans, relationships and actions. That He would open our eyes and ears and hearts to receive more of Him. That He would cause us to be hungry and thirsty for more of Him and for truth and righteousness. That He would eclipse everything else in our vision with His glory and beauty. That He would capture our attention and affection so fully that in our eyes the things of this earth will pale in comparison to Him.

In the mighty name of Jesus, may He accomplish all of this and more, according to His perfect will, by His grace, and for His honor and glory.

The first step in this journey of revival was to discover that God created us to love and seek joy and pleasure so that we would find our ultimate joy and pleasure in Him. The tool God used to open my eyes to see this was a message by John Piper called "We want you to be a Christian Hedonist."

The next step was to understand what having a renewed mind really means, which was also accomplished by John Piper's message entitled "All of Life as Worship."

The third step was to begin to understand the supremacy of God in every facet of life through "The Truth Project" and several John Piper messages relating to the Supremacy of God.

The fourth step was to understand more fully how passionate God is for His glory by reading the inspired book "Cat and Dog Theology."

The fifth step was to savor and crave God's presence more desperately by reading "The Shack."

Of course, there have been many other ways God has influenced my thinking along the way, and I hope to write more about them in the days and weeks to come.

After I saw the post about this movie on Fred Blauer's website, I knew I had to see it. It immediately became my favorite movie. I'm watching it for the 7th time as I type this. If you haven't seen it yet, you might not want to read this post until after you've seen it. My 18-month-old son loves this movie, too. It's the only movie he'll actually sit and watch, and every time a musical scene happens, he dances with a big smile on his face.

God speaks to me through this movie in multiple ways and on multiple levels.

The part I value about it the most is the way August's face lights up with joy when he plays music. First on the guitar, then on the organ, then as a composer and conductor. He found what God created him to do, he did it, and in doing it his heart was filled with joy and pleasure, and, of course, so was God's! All of us were created to love to do certain things, and there is great joy for us, for God, and for other people in the fulfillment of those purposes.

Here are some other concepts the movie illustrates to me:

The pursuit of God-given dreams produces God-empowered joy, strength, focus, energy, motivation and drive. The enemy will use everything in his arsenal to thwart those dreams. In the movie, he uses deception over and over again. Lyla's dad lies to her about the baby. Wizard knows people are looking for August, but he tears down the signs without telling anyone that he knows where August is. Lyla's neighbor tells Louis that one of the musicians is away on her honeymoon, and Louis believes it to be Lyla. And yet, through it all, God turns the tables on the enemy and His glory shines brighter because of the victory in spite of the obstacles.

The story is a perfect example of how God moves through people's desires. Desire is the motivating factor of human beings. (John Bevere said that, and I totally believe it.) If we want to do something badly enough, we do it. August left the children's home because of an overwhelming desire to find his parents and a faith that he would be able to find them using the gifts they passed on to him.

It also illustrates how perfect God's timing is. Near the beginning of the movie, August loses the number for the state worker who had promised to help him. Then he gets lost and can't get back to the place where the worker was going to pick him up. We see those things as unfortunate, but God uses them for good. Whether by their own design or by God's, everyone in the film ends up being in exactly the perfect place at exactly the perfect time for everything to happen just as it needs to.

Adversity, trials, challenges, pain, failures, mistakes, tragedy and heartache will always give birth to something great in the life of a believer, because God has promised that all things (ALL things) work together for the good of those who love Him.

I love how absolutely everything begins and ends with God. He births dreams, visions, plans, goals, desires, talents and love in the hearts of His people, and when His people move in response to what He's placed inside them, it goes back to Him in an endless, life-giving circle and cycle of renewal that reveals His glory and reflects it back to Him. How awesome is that??

The only criticism I've heard of this movie is that the ending wasn't long enough. People wanted to see August and the parents united. They wanted to see father and son come to a full understanding of their relationship. I've been pondering that, and I actually agree with the movie-makers' decision to end the movie the way they did. It was a complicated situation that could have let to a thousand different outcomes. The way the movie ended allows people to imagine the continuation of the story in the way that means the most to them.

I love this movie. I'll always love it. And when I'm hungry for more of God, for God's presence and God's voice, I will watch this movie again.

This is a copy of a post from Pastor Eric Blauer's blog:

A guy approached Jack (C.S. Lewis) on the street one day and asked him if he could spare a few shillings. And Jack immediately dove into his pocket and brought out all his change and handed it over to this beggar. And the chap he was with—I think it was Tolkien—said, "Jack, you shouldn't have given that fellow all that money, he'll just spend it on drink." Jack said, "Well if I had kept it, I would have only spent it on drink."

That post transformed my thinking and God used it to open my eyes. I LOVE it when that happens, because suddenly something that didn’t make sense before just starts making sense and peace and joy rush in to fill the place that confusion had previously held.

Before I read this post, I’d never given a single anything to any of those people that stand on the street corners with their signs. I always justified it with “holy” ideas like being a good steward and holding people accountable. My kids would want to give them money and I’d explain to them how in America, if people want to get help, they can. There are agencies all over the place waiting to feed them, clothe them, bathe them, etc, blah, blah, blah.

But even as I said those things, something just didn’t feel right about it. I could never look any of those people in the eyes when I drove past them. I couldn’t smile at them or speak to them. Their presence made me uncomfortable.

After I read Pastor Eric's blog post, everything clicked into place in one of those delicious "aha!" moments. Now I try to keep an envelope in my purse at all times with money in it dedicated to being given away to the people at the street corners. I don’t see them as irresponsible members of society anymore. I see them as precious blessings from God. I look for them now and am humbled by how many there are of these incredible, easy, in-your-face opportunities to do a good thing for someone without judging them or asking anything at all in return. I praise God for every priceless opportunity, and every time I drive away, I feel God’s love rush into me until it feels like it’s literally flowing out of every pore. It’s quite an addictive rush, actually.

A couple weeks ago, I was driving home from work. It was rush hour. I took the Sprague Avenue exit, which means I need to stay in the far right lane to get where I need to be. There was a person standing on the northwest corner of Appleway and Thierman holding a sign, which meant that I would need to cross four lanes to get to him. At the time I noticed him, I only had one block in which to do this, so I had to think fast. I prayed quickly, "God, if you want me to give this guy some money, You'll have to make a way for me to do it." So I looked behind and around and in front of me, and you know what...? In the middle of rush hour on a weekday, on a relatively busy section of road, God made a way. There wasn't anyone around me! No cars behind me, and no cars next to me in any of those four lanes! So I quickly moved over the four lanes and was able to give some money to the man. And all the way home, my spirit rejoiced in worship and adoration of my miracle-working God Who always enables us to do what He has called us to do.

The last several months of my life have comprised the most incredible season of revival and refreshing I have ever experienced! I didn't even know a person could experience such a complete -- what do I even call it?--rejuvination? Renewing? Whatever this is, it is indescribable! I never really understood what "living water" meant, but now I understand it more fully than I ever did before. It's the same with the concept of abundant life.

I pray that God will give me the words, energy, time and motivation to spread this message in any and every possible way so that His name will be glorified as people seek Him as their ultimate source of joy and every good thing.

I came across this poem when I was reading John Piper's book, "A Hunger for God." It spoke to my spirit so profoundly that I immediately printed it out, put it on a plastic backing, laminated it and decorated it with stickers. Now I take it with me wherever I go and meditate on it whenever I have a chance.

His goodness shines with brightest rays
When we delight in all His ways.

His glory overflows its rim
When we are satisfied in Him.

His radiance will fill the earth
When people revel in His worth.

The beauty of God's holy fire
Burns brightest in the heart's desire.


Isn't that beautiful??

photo by Ihdar Nur (but Fred found it and let me snag it from his blog)

Actions Reveal True Beliefs

I was working on something rather mindless the other day, and a great truth struck me in one of those precious “aha!” moments. I’ve said it before and thought it before, but I don’t think my mind had yet been completely renewed in this knowledge.

The simple fact is, our actions reveal what we really believe. We can say we believe something, hope we believe something, want to believe something, pray to believe something, etc., but we don’t really, truly believe it until our actions prove that we do.

I believe that the ground is solid and that when I step on it, the law of gravity will keep me from flying into space. I don’t have to rationalize it or analyze it or reflect on it logically. I step on the ground without even thinking about it because I believe so strongly in its strength. That is the way the renewing of the mind works. God transforms the deepest part of our hearts by His Spirit and His truth, and pretty soon we don’t have to try so hard to live the way we think He wants us to, because it just happens naturally, like stepping on solid ground.

For many years, I had set myself on a sort of a self-righteous pedestal, thinking that instead of going to church to receive from God, I would go to church to give to God. Looking back now, I realize that this is another example of how the battle is to see, not to do. I recognize now, because of God's speaking to me through the ministry of our church and John Piper, that we can't give to God. Everything is His already and He holds it all together by His own power and glory. He is absolutely supreme over all of life. May His glorious name be praised forever!

What I didn't realize before that I am so grateful to realize now, is that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him. He wants us to go to Him with open hearts, open minds, open hands, seeking to receive from Him. To receive His blessing, His conviction, His presence, His guidance and help, and an ever-increasing revelation of His power, glory and supremacy. When we crave Him far above anything this life has to offer and He is the supreme source of all joy and contentment in our lives, when we seek for and allow His Spirit to fill us and flow through us, then all that He has placed us here to do begins to happen naturally, easily, effortlessly, and with happiness. Praise God!

One of the most useful lessons I've learned is how to recognize and hate covetousness. I hadn't realized before just what it was or how damaging it is when we give in to it. We've all felt it. I think kids struggle with it in varying degrees multiple times per day, at least my kids do.

You know that feeling when you're driving or walking down the street and you see a beautiful home or a spiffy car and think to yourself, "Now why can't I ever have something like that?" Or you know a couple whose relationship is exactly what you think you want, and you begin to long for a relationship just like it and feel sorry for yourself when your own relationship(s) pale in comparison? Or you see a church that is growing by leaps and bounds and every ministry appears to be flourishing, and it causes you to be dissatisfied with your own church home if it doesn't happen to be growing in the same way or at the same speed? I believe that when those desires become inappropriate, when they cause us to be jealous, bitter, angry and/or to feel sorry for ourselves, we are sinning in covetousness.

So what is the antedote? If covetousness is the inappriate longing for something we don't have, then the natural antidote to it is to be grateful for and focus on what we do have. Thanksgiving. Honoring God for Who He is and where He's lead us. Trusting Him and being satisfied in Him. We have GOD the Holy Spirit living inside us (wow!!), and the promise of a heaven that far outweighs any earthly pleasure or accomplishment. How dare we sink into disappointment and dispair? Let's set our eyes on Him and seek Him for a fresh outpouring of His Spirit in our lives, relationships and churches. May He be forever glorified by all that we say and do.

We are where we are for a REASON! Not because we made a mistake or took a wrong turn somewhere. God moves and works through everything and anything. Our desires, our mistakes, our decisions, our inadequacies, and - miracle of miracles! - even our sin... May our eyes be opened to see what God wants us to learn from where we are right now, and to value what is truly valuable, and let go of all that is worthless.

A Simple but Life-changing Statement

I was reading John Piper the other day and came across a short, simple but incredibly profound statement that has provided much food for thought in recent days.

Here it is:

"The battle is not to do, but to see."

This struck me at the very core, and as I was pondering why, this is what I came up with. I believe that the Holy Spirit enlightened my mind and enabled me to grasp just a little bit of what this really means

Why is the battle to see rather than to do? Because when we see God, really SEE Him, as beautiful, merciful, gracious, righteous, fun, exciting, and the answer to every question and every problem and every need, we cannot HELP but love Him more than anything. The more we really see Him and know Him, the more we will value what He values, the more we will enjoy Him, and the more we will hunger for more of Him and greatly desire to experience ever-deepening revelations of Him and His nature and His character. The more we know Him, the more we SEE His greatness and inestimable value, the more His Spirit will fill us and move in us, and all of the actions that mirror His presence in our lives will flow from us naturally, easily, and effortlessly, for His glory and for the blessing of everyone around us.

Actions like:

Reading the Bible with joy and hunger and gratitude, instead of out of obligation.

Spending time with our loved ones instead of wasting it on mindless, fleeting and empty pursuits.
Valuing and appreciating all that God has trusted us with and being committed to using those precious gifts wisely.

I pray that God will continue to open our eyes to see all that is worthy to be seen, and close them to everything that does not honor Him.

(photo from an email)

He Will Work All Things Together For Our Good!

Something else that I think about more now than I ever have before is the Supremacy of Christ. He is supreme over everything and everyone. No words can describe it, but I will spend the rest of my life digging deeper into the riches of the Supremacy of God's Glory. (I know that I have just barely scratched the surface of this life-changing treasure store of truth, and I'm so excited to learn more...)

One aspect of this relates to the emotions of fear, frustration and discouragement. I believe with my whole heart that the more intimately we know God, the more clearly we will see Him, and the less we will experience these three emotions.

Pastor Lee spoke a message this summer regarding fear, and near the end of the message he said that fear is selfish and it sets the enemy in motion. Faith is the opposite of fear and God moves in response to it. Whenever I find myself heading towards fear of anything - loss, injury, pain, confrontation, etc - I remember Joshua and Caleb, who didn't see the giants in the land as threats to be feared, but saw instead God's power, love and mercy revealed through His promises to deliver the land into their hand. I want to be a Joshua as I face every challenge of this life.

We all face giants every day, and God is absolutely supreme over all of them. And He has already promised that He causes everything to work together for the good of those who love Him. So I believe that if we are feeling fear, frustration or discouragement, it's because our eyes are focused on the problem instead of on our great Problem Solver.

(photo from the internet)

There's so much to say, and so little time, and I really don't want to write a huge blog entry that'll take an hour to read, so I'm trying to decide what to write about -- which one of the marvelous things I've learned in the last couple of months. Indecision has caused me not to write at all, and that's not going to happen anymore, if I can help it.

The most important and life-changing concept that God has revealed to me is that He is my all-satisfying Treasure. John Piper said that God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him, and this simple statement revolutionized my thinking. I found it at a time when I was struggling with sin and desiring inappropriate things. I was looking to other things to satisfy the needs of my heart, instead of going to the One True Source of happiness, joy, peace, satisfaction, enjoyment, fun, excitement, beauty, value, worth, acceptance and appreciation.

Everything in my life is so much brighter, clearer and more passionate, because I recognize, more than ever, the Value of the One Who gives it all to us and holds it all together. The rest of my life will be dedicated to knowing Him more intimately, appreciating Him more fully, and loving Him more supremely. By His grace and for His glory, may every single cell of my body and every aspect of myself be made an instrument of righteousness.

Wow, it's been a long time since I've written here. So why am I writing again? Because God has shown me again how important it is for us to remember where we've been... The lessons He has taught us, the mistakes we've made that we don't want to repeat, the way God has miraculously saved us from our own stupidity time and time again...

I have just come through what I consider to be a spiritual battle of epic proportions, at least in my own life. I want to remember and preserve where I went and what got me there and how God got me out of it, because I don't ever want to go there again.

Feelings: an expanding understanding...

All my life I thought feelings were something that happened to you because of the circumstances around you. Until a few years ago when our pastor's wife taught us a very simple concept. Instead of circumstances (A) equalling feelings (C), it's actually circumstances (A) plus our belief about those circumstances (B) that equals our feelings (C). So instead of looking like this A=C, the equation is really A+B=C.

For instance, when that family lost their 5 children in a car accident a while back, most people in that same situation would have been devestated to the point of not wanting to continue living. But because of their strong faith and belief that God is always good and that He brings good out of every situation that He allows, they made it through that time without being completely devestated. They were sad and grieving, of course, but they were still able to love and forgive and find deep and abiding joy and peace.

Not long after learning about the A+B=C equation, God revealed something else to me that's very important and was life-changing for me. The fact is, we are responsible for our own feelings. Our feelings do not control us, and the people around us do not control our feelings. In most circumstances, we are free to choose our own feelings. This helped me out a lot in my marriage. Whenever I would feel hurt, angry or frustrated, I would remember that I didn't have to feel those things if I didn't want to, and many times just reminding myself of that caused the negative emotion to dissipate or cease completely.

However, it wasn't long afterwards that God showed me how important unpleasant emotions can be. Anger and frustration can and should motivate us to seek needed and healthy changes in circumstances and relationships.

One day not too long ago my dad was venting about something that happens quite commonly in our culture. I think it had something to do with people nosing around in his business at the grocery store, asking questions that he felt they had no business asking. He was very irritated about it even though it had happened weeks earlier, and I asked him why he was wasting energy being irritated about something he couldn't change. I told him my belief that we control our own emotions, and the people and circumstances around us can't control our emotions unless we allow them to.

In response, he said something like, "If that's what you believe, then you've just said that you can treat people anyway you want to, because it's their own responsibility how they feel." I had never thought about it that way before, but the discussion helped me realize that even though I believe people are responsible for their own feelings and attitudes, there are an awful lot of people out there who don't believe it. So I said and I believe that even though we are responsible for our own feelings, it's important for us to try to treat people as though we were responsible for theirs. At least, that's what I try to do.

I know that God will bring greater and deeper revelation about this topic into my life, but until then, I wanted to chronicle this learnig process so far.

What God is teaching me right now, is that when He works through us, it requires very little straining on our part. I find when I’m “trying” to reach people for Christ, by “sharing” the gospel, or recommending Christian music, books, or movies, or by sharing “Christian” stories in strategic locations hoping that someone nearby was eavesdropping (does anyone else ever do these things?), it almost always backfires or falls to the ground with a dull thud. The times when God has worked through me in the lives of others have been time when I wasn’t “trying” to do anything. I was just being me, doing what God created me to do, and being who He created me to be at that time, in that place, and in that season. It was natural, it was easy, it wasn’t hard or painful, and I wasn’t afraid. No wonder Jesus said His yoke is easy and His burden is light.

I tried really hard to get Michael to smile for the camera, but I think he thought I looked pretty weird with that big black thing (the camera) in front of my face. This is the best I could do.

Think we should nick-name him "Cheeks?"

The week after we got back from our Thanksgiving visit up north, my mom came to our house for her first visit in over two years. We spent a lot of time chatting and watching movies, and she, of course, enjoyed cuddling her newest grandson.

We went to Pocatello in July for a short but fun visit with my mom. This picture was taken at the local zoo.

Alexis and Kristina in Spring 2006... Aren't they cute?

Linnea and Becca, spending some sister time together last summer.

Grama, Kristina and Alexis came to Spokane for a visit in the spring so that Kristina could attend training for her job as Postmaster. Here's a picture of Megan and Alexis that was taken during their visit.

Here's a picture of Kristina sledding with her daughter, Alexis. It snowed about 10 inches the Sunday after Thanksgiving, which gave all of the children a chance to practice their sledding skills. Grandma and Papa have a great sledding hill right outside their front door which made it pretty convenient, to boot.

We have been very busy the last few weeks. We went to Keith's mom's house for Thanksgiving and stayed there a week. This picture of Linnea, Rebecca and Lisa was taken while we were there.

This picture of Michael was taken today, December 18, 2006. He'll be three months old on the 26th of December. So far he is a very happy, content baby. (Thank You, Lord!) He sleeps and eats well, and lets Mommy get things done. He's pretty fun to look at, too, with all of his cute chubby-ness. He weighed in at 16 1/2 lbs. at his 2-month check-up. Future linebacker, perhaps?