Mama Mia!

We watched this movie last night, and everyone absolutely loved it. I expected to like it, but I didn't expect to enjoy it quite as much as I did. The music was beautiful (featuring the music of the band "Abba"), as was the setting--a thoroughly entertaining show! The story line was definitely not an example of righteous living, but it did open doors to communication about the lies the enemy sends regarding sex, marriage and romance.

My husband is so cute... He loves music, and after the movie he spent an hour or so online researching the band's music and history. His music collection is mostly Christian, but my mom happened to have a copy of an Abba compilation album. So after he was done browsing the web, he played some of his favorite Abba songs on the stereo. The kids spent some time with him in the music room while I was cleaning up the kitchen and listening to the goings on from in there. It was a wonderful evening of family time and togetherness. Thank You, Lord, for the blessings and beauty of simple pleasures.

Diamonds in the Air!

When I woke up this morning, the sun was shining. And it was snowing. The snow flakes were the tiny, light-as-air kind that seem to be taking their sweet time making their way from the sky to the ground, and as the sun shone on them, the air seemed to be literally filled with glistening, sparkling diamonds. It was so beautiful, I could have stood at the window all morning, praising God for the incredible breathtaking beauty of His creation. Thank You, Lord!

Winter Wonderland

Where do I even begin...? It started snowing on Wednesday, and it hasn't really stopped yet, not for more than a couple of hours.

I don't really mind the snow... In fact, I love it. No matter how much it snows or for how long, there's always a part of my heart that's disappointed when it stops. So this snowstorm has been a gift to my heart. That said, I wish I could clone myself and send my clones out to help everyone shovel their sidewalks and driveways, because I know that all this snow is causing a lot of problems for a lot of people. I pray that God will send kind-hearted people (like the Blauers) to help them with these needs.

This is what my mom's car looked like when we all woke up yesterday.

Yesterday I got up to go to work in the morning and was going to stop by my coworker's house to get her, because she was snowed in. Even though I was in a 4-wheel-drive Toyota truck with good ground clearance, I didn't make it more than 10 feet out of the driveway before I got stuck. I called my coworker and my boss to let them know I wouldn't be in yesterday, but then my boss called back about 30 minutes later to say City Hall was closed for the day...

This all happened about an hour after I had sent an email to a few of my blogging buddies letting them know I was going on a blogging fast. I guess God had other ideas.

Wednesday was "one of those days." A when-it-rains-it-pours day. My husband called it "miserable." He didn't say it with a bad attitude, but he did say it with a long sigh.

First the snow came and didn't quit, and there were wrecks and delays all over the region. On his way home from work, my husband's car was T-boned by a person driving too fast for conditions. Did did the other driver have insurance? Nope. And he's a business owner. How does that work? You can't see it very well in this picture, but the back door on the driver's side is pretty well smashed in. I feel sorry for Keith because he's always tried so hard and done such a great job of being a good steward of this car since bying it new in 1994.

That same day, Stephen had a little tussle with an icy sidewalk. He slipped and fell and hit his eyebrow on the hard ice. The bump was the size of a small marble when I got home from work, but by the time he went to bed, it was the size of half a golf ball. He could barely open his eye and I was concerned that we might need to brave the weather to take him to the ER. But God provided a registered nurse for us to talk to over the phone through our pediatrician's office, and by His grace we didn't end up having to leave the house, and Stephen's bump started getting better on it's own. Thank You, Lord!

I spent about 3 hours in the morning shoveling our back deck and the front sidewalk, and enjoying every minute of it. But actually, Linnea is our honorary shoveler, and it took her 5 or 6 hours to shovel our massive driveway yesterday, but her puppy, Bandit, kept her company and helped her to find joy in her work. By the time she came back into the house, she was frozen like a popsicle, tired and sore. But she had a relatively good attitude, and I was and am really proud of her. After she had a drink and some warm soup, she took a 3-hour nap on the couch, wrapped in my favorite down comforter.

Keith decided he wanted to take his car to get an estimate for the door repairs. I was whole-heartedly against the idea, but I remembered the excerpt from Fight Like a Girl that talked about not using manipulation to try to control people. So I just said, even-keel, "Sweety, I want to go on record as saying I'm opposed to this idea. I wish you would stay home."

"Why?" he asked.

"Well," I replied, "I don't want you to get into a wreck, or to get stuck."

"I've already been in a wreck."

"I know, and I don't want you to be in another one."

"And I'm not going to get stuck." (Famous last words.)

At that point I just shrugged my shoulders, and on the inside I was praying, praying, praying for God's will to be done. I realize that these weather conditions provide a manly challenge. After all, the snowy roads are something to be tamed and conquered!

However, even after giving himself a running start from the top of our relatively long driveway, his car (an all-wheel-drive Subaru) got stuck in the middle of the cul-de-sac, and several neighbors helped to dig him out.

Yesterday, Thursday, was a really great day in our home, all in all. My mom and I got all of the wrapping done. Here she is, the wrapping queen!

The gifts she wrapped are works of art - total candy for the eyes with ribbons and bows and sparkles. Mine are just standard wrapped gifts with no embelishments. But that's okay. We sang hymns and talked and had a great time wrapping together.

I'm thanking God continuously for this marvelous gift of time He's given me in these couple of days home from work. It does my heart good to be here with my family. I'm praying that His will be done in this day, in all things, by His grace, and for His honor and glory.

By the way, this is a picture of the "Twisted Willow" in our back yard. My mom told me I should take a picture of it because it and the snow formations on it look interesting.

And here's a picture of Megan, Becca and Stephen all decked out in their snow-wear, getting ready to enjoy some time in the great snowy outdoors.

Merry Christmas!!

I love Christmas! The lights, the music, the scents, the yummy goodies, the Christmas cards, the special times with family and friends, the crowds at the stores, the shopping, the traditions, the church and school Christmas programs – all of it!

This Christmas season has been considerably different for me than other Christmas seasons have been. Keith is doing the shopping (Praise God!) because there’s absolutely no way that I can stay within a budget, and I have proved it over and over again. And as God has freed me from the obligation of Christmas cards and Christmas baking (Thank You, Lord!)… His Spirit, His Word, His promise, His miraculous gift… They’re all I need to be utterly overflowing with joy and peace and thanksgiving this Holiday season.

I pray God will be all my children need as well. He is, of course, extravagantly more than they need, but they don't realize it yet, and I do so hope they soon will. I pray that God will do a renewing work deep in their hearts, resetting their appetites and desires so that they will sincerely hunger for that which is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, excellent and praiseworthy. (see Phil 4:8) And I also pray that they will be so satisfied with all that God is for them in Christ, that they will learn how to be content no matter what. We’re definitely not there yet, not by a long shot. But I believe that God has placed this delightful goal in front of us, and that by His grace alone we will continue to put one foot in front of the other as we cling to Him and to the Cross.

Merry Christmas to any who may read this! I pray that everyone is enjoying and being grateful for the good things of the season, and that the enemy will not be able to steal our joy as we celebrate God’s Magnificent Gift!

The Word of God

God has been calling me back to the truth and beauty and purity of His Word. The last couple of years I’ve been on a feeding frenzy reading books and articles and blogs and websites ABOUT God’s Word. But now He’s placed a hunger in my heart for His Word alone, and I’m LOVING it!

Whenever I start to read the Bible, I do so realizing that the same Spirit that wrote the Book also resides in my heart, and is ready, willing and able to interpret it to my heart and life. My prayer is that He will use His Word more and more in every encounter, to deeply renew and regenerate my heart and mind so that love, righteousness, truth and beauty will flow through all of my life naturally. In every word, thought, attitude, action, reaction, decision, conversation, etc.

I’ve been feeling a bit of unrest lately in my Awana class, and asking God to show me the source of it. The other day I was standing in our kitchen having a conversation with my 6-year-old son, Stephen, and God opened my eyes to see what’s been bothering me. I asked Stephen a question, and in the lull between the question and answer, God showed me that Stephen wasn’t at all concerned with answering the question honestly. His whole focus was on finding the “right” answer, the answer he thought I wanted to hear.

It seems to be the same way with most of our church kids. They think all of this scripture memorization is so they can earn points for their teams and get a piece of candy at the end of the evening... When will they understand that these are the Words of the Living God? And that they are precious beyond comprehension and Something to be treasured and sought after? I know that only the Holy Spirit can do that in them, and I'm praying, praying, praying that He'll grab hold of their hearts and open their eyes.

Then the other day I was reading in Matthew and God opened my eyes to see something else. The Pharisees were scripture-soaked. Most of them had more of the Holy Scriptures memorized than any of us will ever even read. When Jesus asked them questions, they either didn’t answer at all, or they answered the question correctly. Most of the time, they answered the question correctly. They had so much of God’s Word committed to memory, and yet that Word had ever penetrated their hearts.

God used that reality to show me just how worthless a correct answer really is if it doesn’t flow from a heart that has been reborn into His kingdom.

For all of their head knowledge, the Pharisees were cold, wicked, heartless and prideful. Whenever Jesus told them a parable and they figured out that THEY were the bad guys in the story… Were they humbled? Were their eyes opened? Did they cry out “Oh my God, please help us for we are a wicked people desperately in need of your mercy and grace!” No... Far from it. Their attitude indignantly said, “He’s talking about US! Let’s KILL Him!” (What I find really scary about that, is the Pharisees truly believed they were on God’s side, and He was on theirs.)

Contrast their prideful reaction with the humble reaction of King David when Nathan told him the story of the rich man who took the one sheep of his poor neighbor and slaughtered it, instead of using one of the many sheep he owned already. (See II Samuel 12) When he found out that he was the bad guy in the story, David said, “I have sinned against the Lord,” and Psalm 51 was born by the Spirit out of a humble and God-glorifying heart.

Oh, Father God, I pray that You will give me (and my children, and any who hear Your heart in this message) humble hearts like King David. Hearts that are quick to receive your correction and quick to repent of wrongdoing. Hearts that acknowledge that You are our Source, and there is no righteousness, truth or beauty apart from You. In Jesus’ Name, amen.

A Charmed Life

A charmed life. A full life. A life that does not provide very much time for blogging…

This is my family. This picture was taken in Riverfront Park in Spokane in October 2007.

Keith is 46 years old. In fact, he just celebrated his birthday on November 30th. Happy Birthday, Sweety! He and I have been married for 12 years. We celebrated our 12th anniversary on August 29th. When we met, he had two beautiful daughters, Lisa (25) and Kristina (21), and I had a daughter, Linnea (13). Then, together, we had Megan (11), Stephen (6), Rebecca (3) and Michael (2).

Here are some recent pictures of them. Some of these pictures are from this Thanksgiving.

Lisa and Kristina enjoying some sister time in the kitchen
Linnea the bookworm, reading Frank Peretti book, “The Oath”

and here’s Linnea goofing off with Michael

Megan likes to spend time with Michael, too. Here they are together

Michael has this new thing right now. He’s become quite fond of the camera, and whenever he sees it, he runs up to me and says, “Smile, please, Mom?” He doesn’t pronounce his words quite correctly yet, so the phrase comes out sounding like “My-o peas Mom.” It’s pretty darn cute.

Rebecca (the blond) with our granddaughter Alexis (the redhead, 4 years old)

Rebecca playing dress-up in a Dora dress
Here’s Stephen proudly displaying one of his more recent Tinker Toy inventions

When we met, Keith lived in this house:
He had lived there for 8 years, and we continued to live there for another 10 years after that. It was rather small for such a large family. It had 5 bedrooms and 1 bathroom, but two of the bedrooms were in the basement and had non-egress windows, and one of them was dedicated solely to storage. The house was roughly 1800 square feet.

In April of 2006, we moved to this 5 bedroom, 4 bath, 3,400 sq ft house about ½ mile away from the old one…

It’s wonderful because it’s on a cul-de-sac, so there’s no traffic to worry about, and the kids can play outside with relative freedom. But the back yard has a gate that opens up right across the street from three schools--an elementary school, a junior high school, and a high school. And it’s really nice not to have to stand in line for the bathroom. It is, however, a lot of work to take care of. It’s all good. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. But all play and no work is far worse… It makes Jack and Jill spoiled rotten ungrateful brats. It’s been a fun and exciting challenge trying to find ways for everyone to work together to get everything done to take care of what God has trusted us with.

On top of having a big family and big home with a big yard in a nice neighborhood filled with big beautiful homes (whose owners of course expect a certain level of upkeep from their neighbors), I joyfully spend a lot of time at our church, New Hope Christian Center. We’ve been attending this church since 1996, just a couple weeks after we got married. Pastor Eric’s father-in-law, Leroy Hunt, is our pastor.

I am blessed and privileged to be a member of the worship team right now, which means being at church at 8:15 or 8:30 a.m. on Sunday mornings and at worship practice on the first and third Thursdays of most months. Plus, Keith and I attend the Celebrate Recovery class every Tuesday night and teach Awana every Wednesday night. We love our church so much. She will be our church home for as long as her doors are open, which I pray will be for the rest of our lives.

On top of all of that, I work full time for the City of Spokane in this beautiful historical building across the street from Riverfront Park and River Park Square (a beautiful shopping mall). This building used to be a Montgomery Wards store.

This is my messy desk in the office I work in, the Clerk’s Office. I truly love my job, and I’m incredibly grateful for it, but there’s so much to do, that even though the four of us are working as fast and as hard as we can, we’re hardly keeping our heads above water. The full days pass by in such a blur, it sometimes actually leaves me feeling breathless.

My mom moved in with us at the end of November. It’s been awesome having her here. She and Megan, especially, have been spending a lot of time together, which has filled deep needs in both of their hearts. She is in the only bedroom in the house that has two windows in it, because she loves plants and light and beautiful things. Here she is proudly displaying some of the necklaces she’s made recently, as well as a couple of pictures of her beautiful flowers and the plants in her room.


God's richest blessings to everyone reading this, and a big thank you to my family for letting me be away from them for a few hours while I put this post together.

So, so, sooooo much to be thankful for!

This is Thanksgiving week! There’s no doubt about it… I am overwhelmed with blessings. I think, if we’re honest with ourselves, most of us could probably say that. Words from one of Pastor Eric’s messages, spoken many years ago at New Hope, echo through my mind and heart…. “Why do you think He says over and over again, ‘Be thankful, be thankful, be thankful…’?” He was making a point of how God wants us to see and appreciate what He has already blessed us with, instead of constantly wanting and striving for more, and whining and complaining, and being pride-fully discontented.

I’ve been away from the computer almost entirely since checking in with some of my favorite blogs on Friday, November 14th, 2008. My mother moved in that evening, Praise God, and I’ve been trying to listen to the Holy Spirit as I’ve been seeking His help in ordering my priorities and the way I spend my time since then.

I’m working on a blog post for the benefit of my fellow bloggers who I also consider to be good friends, namely, Pastor Eric, Fred, Joseph, Chris and Dianna (in order by whom I met first to whom I met most recently). I’m hoping it will be a somewhat concise and yet comprehensive overview of my family and life, as they are right now, in writing and pictures. I’m greatly missing our blogging interactions, and am praying that God will provide a way for me to have some more time to engage in this, one of my most favorite of activities. But if that doesn’t happen, please know what a profound blessing each of you has been to me and how irrevocably my life has been changed by your influence, and God’s influence through you.

For Thanksgiving, we’re going to be going to my in-laws’ place in the mountains outside of Colville. It’s a much-needed yearly retreat away from the noise and hectic pace of my normal life, and I look forward to it with great anticipation. Tons of great food made by my mother-in-law, Nancy, and the sights and smells that go along with them… Serene, picturesque and quiet mountain scenery… Seeing and hearing my children playing together (in peace, Lord willing)… Late-night movies and games of Scrabble… Amazing wildlife and my father-in-law’s beautiful horses… Truly fresh air… The warmth of a blazing fire… Sigh… I long to be there right now.

Ooops, my lunch hour is almost over. If I don’t post this now, it probably won’t be posted until next week or the week after. There’s so much more I want to say… so much more that’s on my heart. Perhaps God will help me to remember it all at a later time. Signing off…

This message spoken by Paul Washer is one of the most powerful and important messages I have ever heard:

http://pilgriminconflict.blogspot.com/2008/11/10-indictments.html

Friday night I was up very late, but still had to get up relatively early on Saturday, of course, to tend to my young children who are still a little too young to fend for themselves.

As soon as I could, I got onto the computer and the first blog I checked happened to be “Pilgrim in Conflict.” This message was posted there, along with a warning that the message is two hours long. I thought I would just listen to the first few minutes of it to catch the flavor of it, but two hours later I was still sitting there, my heart and my attention completely captured by these powerful words of truth. My husband, Keith, pulled up a chair and listened to the last hour or so with me, and we both sat there together and cried as the Holy Spirit worked in our hearts.

Yesterday, Keith played the first part of the message (the part he had missed when we were listening together on Saturday) on his laptop as he was changing the oil in our vehicles. Later he shared with me how much enjoyed this message and which parts spoke to him most deeply.

I had heard of Paul Washer on a dear friend’s blog, but had not had an opportunity to hear anything of his until now. How my heart rejoices at the truth of God that is being so bravely and powerfully proclaimed by this man!

I know I’ve said this before, but it’s doubly true now… I love hymns!! My two current favorites are “Immortal, Invisible” and “The Master Hath Come.” I’ve probably listened to these two songs 30 times each in the last week.

In these times of change and preparation for change, I feel God leading me to simplify. There is such a thing as too much information. Pastor Eric’s post with the video about how we’re living in exponential times really grabbed my attention. Through it I heard God whispering that it’s time to go back to the basics. His Word. Not what other people think about His Word, or what they think His Word means, but His Word—pure and simple, and interpreted and applied by the very Spirit of God Himself within me.

And I believe He has drawn my affection and appetite towards hymns as well. The other day I was expressing to my husband how much I love them, when suddenly it clicked in my head why I love them so much, and why I believe God loves them, too.

Many of the hymns I love the most have come to us through centuries gone by. “Be Thou My Vision” was written in the 9th century. Most of the other hymns I most dearly love come from the 1600’s, 1700’s or 1800’s. The people who wrote these beautiful God-soaked songs did not have minds that were cluttered and confused by millions of megabytes of information from multiple sources every single day…

Their lives were so much more simple than ours are, and when they set their minds to study the scriptures, that’s what they did! Sometimes they would study the scriptures for hours and hours every day. Most of their world-views were utterly God-centered, and they viewed all of Creation as existing by Him and for His glory. The songs they wrote were an overflowing of the God-reality that they ate and drank and breathed all day long every day.

Being a Christian wife, mother, church member, employee, homeowner, homemaker, friend, daughter, and citizen, in today's world and this time in history—I will never have time to study and have my mind truly, irrevocably renewed by God’s Word as whole-heartedly as these people did. But praise God! He has left us with the fruit of their joyful labors! He has left us with a bountiful storehouse of concentrated, healing, amazingly beautiful truth about Himself. And all of it is set to music, which somehow seems to open the doors to my heart in ways that simple speaking never could.

May His matchless name be praised forever!

Two Weeks - Two Miracles!!

1st Miracle – My mother is coming home!

My mother, Becky, lives in Pocatello, Idaho, where she has lived for 11 years. I’ve been begging her and trying every way I can think of to convince her to move back to Spokane ever since she moved away. I’ve been praying for and asking other people to pray for God to motivate her to come back. I love my mom dearly and wouldn’t be who I am today without her influence. And of course, I want my children to know her and have a relationship with her. Plus, she struggles with several different health problems, and it concerns me that she’s down there without any real family around her.

The whole reason she’s down there is to be with her boyfriend, Bob, a Native American that is paralyzed from the waist down due to an unfortunate accident that happened when he was in his early twenties.

On Monday, October 27, 2008, she called me to say that she and her boyfriend, Bob, had broken up. When I asked her if she was planning to move to Spokane, she said she was going to give it three months, and that if they didn’t get back together in that time, then she would consider moving. That was pretty much what I expected her to say, so I wasn’t too distraught. I told her that when she decided to move, I’d rent a U-Haul and drive down there and get her.

That same night when we were on the phone, I talked to her about the global political and economical climate, which she was largely unaware of because she doesn’t watch the news and doesn’t have internet access. She said she was glad to be able to think about those things, and then we hung up.

The next morning I was laying in bed in that half-dream state between being asleep and being awake. And it was like God was praying through me, planting words in my heart and in my head to pray, over and over again. The prayers went something like, “O Lord, if there truly is a global catastrophe on the horizon, please, please, please let my mom move back to Spokane before it happens.” I remember praying those prayers, but I didn’t consciously set out to pray them… They just happened.

That night my mom called again and said that she had decided to move to Spokane immediately, and that she would be giving her two weeks notice at work the next day. She had visited with Bob that day and told him what her plans were, and he insisted that he felt it was very important that she move to Spokane as soon as possible. She explained to him that if she moved to Spokane, she would probably never move back to Pocatello again, and he told her that if they decided to get back together, he would move to Spokane! (This is a miracle in itself, as I’ve sent him multiple letters in the past asking him to do that very thing, and to which he responded with so much anger that he decided he would never read any more of my letters…)

So she’s coming home! We’re preparing a room for her! I can’t wait to see her and be able to see her and talk to her and hug her on a regular basis. May God grant her traveling mercies, comfort and a calm and focused vision of where He wants her to be.

*******

2nd Miracle – God captured my father’s heart again!!

My dad, Larry, stopped going to church when I was a small child, declaring that the church was full of hypocrites. From there he began to develop his own views of God.

These are his own words about the way he has been:

“I confess that for most of my life, I have not liked God… I have blasphemed God with words beyond profanity.”

During my childhood, I remember him shaking his fist towards Heaven in anger for many different irritants--cold, snow, ice and winter... A favorite football team losing... Inconsiderate drivers... Not winning the lottery…

I’ve been praying for him for years, but trying to avoid discussions about Christianity as much as possible because they only ever led to arguments and contention.

Here’s the miracle:

Tuesday night, November 4, 2008, he called our house and said he was coming over. When he walked through the door, he had a new Bible in his hand and a 6-page handwritten letter to me detailing his “journey into the light.”

In His mercy, God opened the eyes of my dad’s heart. God captured his heart again and restored him to peaceful, joyful fellowship with Himself. My heart and spirit are awed and humbled. I could have spoken 10,000,000 words to my dad and not have affected him at all. But God turned his whole life around in one beautiful and holy moment. Thank You, Lord!

One thing’s for sure… School isn’t just about reading, writing and arithmetic anymore. My kids are being indoctrinated. They come home with so much garbage in their heads. They seem so eager and so ready to believe and embrace absolutely everything they read or hear (except the truth).

This is going to be the major emphasis of our conversations at home for the foreseeable future: To instill in them that an education is important and something to be grateful for and made the most of, but that anything that goes beyond HOW to read, HOW to write, HOW to do math, etc, is something they really need to be praying about, and bringing home and discussing with us.

“So this is how freedom dies, with a thunderous round of applause and great cheer.” – Padme

Keith had to come downtown and rescue me last night from my flighty absent-minded self. We decided to make the most of the situation and go to dinner at one of the downtown restaurants, since I had a gift card for it and the card was going to expire on November 6th.

While we were enjoying a lovely and delicious meal, one of the ladies sitting at a table near us received several phone calls from someone who was watching the election results. Whatever she was hearing was obviously to her liking because she kept loudly exclaiming words and phrases of victory and celebration.

Every time I heard one of these exclamations, this quote from Star Wars Episode III kept echoing in my mind and heart. I kept seeing Padme's face as she who so dearly loved freedom watched as it was thrown away by the very ones who were entrusted to protect it.

Our freedom hasn’t died… yet. But I'm afraid I can taste it coming on the wind…

A Two-Edged Sword

Is everything in my life in order?

Ahem… No.

So why am I blogging again?

Well, because the first giant step towards getting my life in order has been accomplished, by God’s amazing grace. And because it’s been more than a week since this blogoholic blogged, and there are obviously lots and lots of thoughts stored up in this head that are screaming to be put into writing--thoughts that God might have had something to do with. Or at least thoughts that I don’t want to forget.

*************

Blogging is a two-edged sword for me.

It’s a HUGE blessing and resource in my life. I love to write... I love to read… I love God… I love people (all kinds of people). God loves me and purposefully created me to be someone who loves these things—he loves it that I love them! He also created me to deeply enjoy connecting with other people – people who share some of the same values, people who will encourage deep thinking, people who will inspire me and motivate me to more fully be the person God created me to be, and people who might be blessed or intrigued by something I share.

But blogging is also a very deep source of sorrow and struggle and temptation. It so easily becomes something I do because I’m seeking the affirmation and attention of people. I enjoy it so much and love it so much that I’m constantly tempted to be doing it, even when I should be giving my full attention, heart, passion and energy to something or someone else.

When I post something, whether it be a post on my own blog, or a comment on someone else’s, I have a constant desire to keep going back to check to see if someone might have read it and have appreciated it enough to leave a comment about it. When enough days go by without any reply comments, I sometimes am actually disappointed and discouraged enough to have myself a little pity party and toy with the idea of deleting my entire blog! And that would be really stupid and selfish, because truly the reason I started it in the first place was to keep a written record that could someday be shared with my kids and grandkids if my earthly life came to an end prematurely. (Pride is an ugly, nasty, distasteful, destructive thing and I can’t say in words how desperately I despise it!!)

When I sat down to type all of these many blog posts today, I did so with a very strong sense that I shouldn’t check anyone else’s blogs first. So I haven’t, even though I’ve wanted to. Because these thoughts that are in my head are mine and God’s. They may have been started or planted by someone else, but they’ve been brewing and stewing in my heart long enough that some of these thoughts are actually authentically mine. I hope and pray and believe that God has influenced at least some of them.

I have more to say, and I don’t know when that will happen, but I know I won’t be able to check anyone else’s blogs until I’m done. And I pray that God will give me the grace and strength not to check for comments either, until after I’m done.

Having the time to do this tonight is a gift from God. I either lost my truck keys or locked them in the truck this morning, because I can’t find them anywhere. So I’m sitting here in my office typing this as I’m waiting for my husband to come downtown and open the truck for me. Keith is so good about putting up with my absentmindedness, even though I know it drives him crazy. I love and appreciate my husband and am more grateful for him than I could ever possibly express.

Journal Entry - A Great Weight of Responsibility

On the evening of Friday October 24, 2008, I was sitting in our family room with my young children, surrounded by a pile of clothes. The laundry was Megan’s job, but she went to a school party that night and offered to pay me $5 if I would put away the clothes for her. I started to put them away but noticed they were horribly folded, so I set about re-folding them. I don’t mind folding clothes, and it provided a good opportunity for thinking (without picking my fingers to the bone.)

As I was sitting there, I began to feel the full weight of all of what I’ve been trusted with, and the even heavier weight of the knowledge that I’m failing miserably at being faithful with any of it. God was right there with me, gently leading my thoughts. It suddenly came into my mind what I needed to do.

I called my husband and asked him if he’d be willing to take himself and the five children to his mom’s house (in the mountains outside of Colville, WA) for the weekend so I could work on getting my house (and the rest of my life) in order. I simply couldn’t handle it anymore. Every drawer and cupboard, every table and closet, every corner and room needed to be gone through and sorted.

The burden of the paperwork was especially heavy to me. We have a filing cabinet that was so full, it hadn’t been used for any new filing since 2005. We have stacks and boxes and plastic bins of paperwork that we can’t find anything in because there’s no order or organization to it at all (except sometimes a mildly consistent date order). Simply trying to find something to do with the mail was a daily burden that I didn’t want to deal with, so it kept piling up and adding to the stress of everything I wasn’t doing.

Well, my husband wasn’t able to take the kids that weekend because of several different complications. But he said he would take them to their Grandma’s the next Friday (Halloween). I spent a couple of hours on Saturday the 25th blogging, but on Sunday I felt very strongly that God had called me to a blogging fast until I got my life under control. I can’t even begin to describe how hard it was for me, and how freeing at the same time.

Every time I sat down at a computer at home or at work that week, the first thing I wanted to do was check all of my favorite blogs. But I also noticed how much more I got done without having that drain on my time, and how much clearer and more focused my thoughts and prayers were.

My husband did take the kids to his mom’s the evening of Halloween. The whole time they were gone, I felt a driving compulsion to make the most efficient use possible of every single moment. My plan was to work 24/7, only stopping briefly for catnaps when absolutely necessary, and to take a couple hour break on Sunday morning to go to church. (Which I didn’t actually end up doing because I was beyond exhausted and every single bone and muscle in my body hurt.)

I felt that I absolutely had to get through my craft room (which had become the family’s junk resting place), the filing cabinet, and the most recent stack of paperwork. Because to try to do any of those things with a two-year-old in the house would have been next to impossible and pull-my-hair-out frustrating.

So I attacked all of those things with gusto, passion, and energy. It didn’t take long, though, before my mind was almost completely numb and I was running on automatic pilot. I couldn’t even pray. So I finally put in an old favorite CD (Glad: A Capella Hymns) and God used the beautiful music and brilliant truth of those treasured songs to breathe joy and energy back into my exhausted mind, body and spirit. Not that I wasn’t still tired--I was--but at least I was able to keep going.

By the end of the weekend, everything was done that I’d felt such an urgency about. And I felt far more hopeful and enthusiastic about getting the rest of the house organized. All – and I mean ALL – of the glory and credit goes to God for what was accomplished. Every single time my stupid pride would rear its ugly head and try to take credit for what was going on, I would nearly choke on tears of frustration.

God birthed the ideas, He gave me the strength, He filled in the gaps when I didn’t know what to do next, He led me back to that awesome CD (again and again), He kept me focused, and He kept reminding me again and again that it was Him in me that was doing the work – and that I just needed to trust and rest in Him.

I want to say a special thank you to Dianna for praying for me and for her words of encouragement and admonition and for her powerful and effective prayers. Thank you, Beautiful Sister! I love you!

I love my country. I’ve always loved America. Even as a child, songs like the National Anthem, “My Country ‘tis of Thee,” “God Bless America,” “America the Beautiful” and “God Bless the USA” made my heart cry out with passionate love and thanksgiving. I will be sorry to see her existence come to an end. My heart is already grieving.

I don’t think we’ll ever see another presidential election.

I’ve read in several different places that no democracy has ever continued to exist as a democracy for more than a few hundred years.

Why is that?

It’s obvious to me that the American people are ready to be done with the whole idea. We’re sick of the election process. We’re sick of politics. We’re sick of corruption in government. We question and distrust authority.

So I wonder… What do we want instead?

A Journal Entry – My heart is breaking

This theme keeps reverberating through my consciousness - Time is short. The end of earthly life as we know it is fast approaching. Redeem every moment.

Today is a momentous day. This day will see the election of our next president. God is sovereign. He is on the throne as He always has been and always will be. He still raises people to positions of power and takes them down again. I believe that this election will turn out a certain way. I also believe that this next year will see catastrophic, mind-blowing global suffering and change.

Is this Thanksgiving going to be the last Thanksgiving we will celebrate together in freedom? Is this Christmas going to be the last traditional American Christmas we’re going to experience? I don’t know for sure, of course, but it well could be. And if it isn’t, then the next one might be, or the next one, or the next one. I want to appreciate, treasure and be faithful with every moment.

I believe the roller-coaster ride of the end times has been set in motion. Jesus Christ is my car, my seatbelt, my track, my handle, my force, my foundation and my destination. May God in His mercy grant that my children will see Him that way, too--as the all in all of everything.

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This has been my passionate prayer for the last several years -– that God would direct my steps, thoughts, desires and decisions according to His perfect will. He is always faithful to do so, and uses many methods to accomplish that task. Many times He speaks to me through His Word, the Bible, and through the messages of my pastor. Sometimes He speaks to me through the words of men and women of faith, both past and present, dead and living. Sometimes He speaks to me through other people in one-on-one conversations (either in person or in writing).

Last week a dear Christian friend spoke to me and said, “You need to take care of yourself.” I could taste the truth of God in those words. (This same friend consistently sends me scriptures that he believes God has laid on his heart to send to me. Each and every time, the scriptures he sends are exactly what I needed to be reminded of at that precise moment.)

That same day another dear friend wrote to me and encouraged me to do the following: “Spend time in the Word and prayer each morning focusing on Christ and His Cross at least 15 to 20 minutes; and be a good steward of your day, by accomplishing the tasks that will bring you more peace and serve your family before serving your own need for answers and affirmation.” I could taste the truth of God and hear His precious voice in those words, too.

The same friend who wrote these words to me had also written something else to me a few days earlier that really stuck with me—namely, how vitally important sleep is. Sleep is easy for me to sacrifice, but it’s not good for me to do so, and I believe God showed me through her that it’s not His will for me.

Lord have mercy, I have been a hideous steward of my body in so many ways. This diary entry from Jonathan Edwards really hit my heart about the importance of healthy eating:

“By a sparingness in diet, and eating as much as may be what is light and easy of digestion, I shall doubtless be able to think more clearly, and shall gain time; 1. By lengthening out my life; 2. Shall need less time for digestion, after meals; 3. Shall be able to study more closely, without injury to my health; 4. Shall need less time for sleep; 5. Shall more seldom be troubled with the head-ache.” (Works, I, xxxv)

God brought this verse to my memory one day as I was sitting on the couch: “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop.” This truth is revealed in my life. When I’m sitting worrying instead of actually doing something, especially when I’m stressed, I have a nervous habit of picking at and chewing on the skin around my fingernails. Lately, the first three fingers on each of my hands are picked raw—very painful and bleeding. After my friend told me that I needed to take care of myself, when I would catch myself doing the picking thing, I’d remember what he said and God would use the memory to motivate me to stop (for that moment, anyway.)

For Posterity (some of the stuff I don’t want to forget)

The picture is of a statue of one of my favorite literary characters of all time, D'Artangan, of "The Three Musketeers" fame.

I want to share some of what and how God has been speaking to me recently, and some of what He’s led me to that has spoken to me so profoundly. If it’s something that is relatively short, I’ll probably just copy it into this post. If it’s longer, I’ll try to include the link and hope that the link will stay good for a long time. Or if I can’t make the link idea work, I’ll reference the title and date of the post and which blog it came from. All of these blogs can be found by clicking on blog’s link on the right side of the page.

“Crowbar Massage” was the first blog I ever read, and I’ve been checking it regularly ever since the first time I looked at it in 2006. My life has been enhanced profoundly in so many ways by so much of what Pastor Eric has shared there.

“Flying Embers,” which is owned by Pastor Eric’s dad, Fred, was the second blog I began to regularly check, and it, too, has had an immeasurable impact on my life and worldview.

“Life in Motion” is owned by a wonderful gentleman, Joseph, from India, who takes great delight in sharing pictures and stories from life there in the locality where he lives, in addition to encouraging and philosophical ideas from different sources. This was the third blog I started checking on a regular basis and I’ve been blessed by getting to know him and his world through this wonderful resource.

All of these blogs are favorites and will continue to be, but most of what I’m going to share from here on in this post are going to be from blogs that are newer to me, that God has been using in my life in recent days and weeks.

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I love this scripture-soaked heading from “A Pilgrim in Conflict”:

“The Puritan identity. On a journey to a better country (Hebrews 11:16), going further up and further in to the depth of the riches and wisdom and knowledge of God (Romans 11:33) by laboring to delight in the law of the LORD and meditate on it day and night (Psalm 1:2) while the war and conflict relentlessly rage on until Christ comes (Romans 7:22-25) or calls me home.”

God also used these posts from the same blog to speak to me about an issue I’ve personally been wrestling with:

“The Key to Loving Jesus” dated October 11, 2008

“Seeing Sin for What it Really is in Us” dated October 13, 2008

And through this blog He also greatly blessed me with a song called “Don’t Waste Your Life” by Lacrae, which can be found under the title “WOW” on October 9, 2008.

I’ve listened to this song no less than 25 times. My kids have listened to it about as many times. And all of us keep singing the chorus to ourselves over and over again. Because I’m new to rap, however, it’s still pretty important for me to be able to read the words while I’m listening, otherwise several important parts of the song go straight over my head. J

I can’t believe how much truth there is in this one song. My husband ordered the CD for me and I’m anxiously waiting for it to arrive in the mail. A friend of mine at church is also familiar with this group, and with several others like it, and has recommended several albums that I know I’m going to enjoy and am looking forward to experiencing.

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D.L. Kane from “A Fish Out of Water” sent me this great quote:

"I am not an innovator. In fact, I am very happy with the simple role of blowing the boredom out of people's brains with long-forgotten, old fashioned, faithful blasts of biblical truth!" – John Piper

I’ve thoroughly enjoyed going back through D.L.’s past posts. D.L.’s thoughts, questions, meditations and inspirations resonate deeply in my heart. I’ve struggled and wrestled with and pondered so many of the same things. We also share a fondness for the teachings of John Piper and the Puritans, although D.L. has explored the teachings of the Puritans far more than I have at this point.

Here are some of my favorites of D.L.’s posts:

Regarding bringing glory to God:

http://afishoutofwater2008.blogspot.com/2008/01/are-you-telescope.html

Regarding salvation:

http://afishoutofwater2008.blogspot.com/2008/01/if-given-choice.html

Regarding the centrality of the Gospel:

http://afishoutofwater2008.blogspot.com/2008/02/it-is-enoughit-is-enough.html

The most beautiful picture of the baptism of the Holy Spirit that I have ever encountered:

http://afishoutofwater2008.blogspot.com/2008/03/what-beautiful-picture.html

Regarding communion with Christ:

http://afishoutofwater2008.blogspot.com/2008/04/communion-with-christ.html

Regarding becoming like Christ:

http://afishoutofwater2008.blogspot.com/2008/04/this-is-beautiful-stuff.html

Regarding criticism:

http://afishoutofwater2008.blogspot.com/2008/01/open-rebuke-is-better-than-secret-love.html

http://afishoutofwater2008.blogspot.com/2008/03/why-are-we-all-so-afraid-of-criticism.html

Regarding spiritual loneliness:

http://afishoutofwater2008.blogspot.com/2008/01/spiritual-loneliness.html

Regarding reading the Puritans:

http://afishoutofwater2008.blogspot.com/2008/02/seven-reasons.html

http://afishoutofwater2008.blogspot.com/2008/02/feasting-on-puritans.html

Regarding the conversion experience of Charles Spurgeon:

http://afishoutofwater2008.blogspot.com/2008/02/in-his-own-words.html


And here are some quotes that I deeply appreciate:

"God never punishes his people. That is, their sufferings are never designed to satisfy justice; nor are they always even chastisements in the proper sense of the word. They are not in all cases sent to correct evils, to repress pride, or to wean from the world. God often afflicts his people and his church simply to enable them the better to glorify his name. It is an unchristian disposition, therefore, which leads us always to ask, 'when afflictions are sent upon ourselves or others, 'Why is this? What have we or they done to call forth this expression of parental displeasure or solicitude? What does God mean to rebuke?' It may be that our sufferings are chastisements, that is, that they are designed to correct some evil of the heart or life, but this is not to be inferred from the simple fact that they are sufferings. The greater part of Paul's sufferings were not chastisements. They were designed simply to show to all ages the power of the grace of God; to let men see what a man could cheerfully endure, and rejoice that he was called upon to endure, for the sake of the Lord Jesus."Charles Hodge, 2 Corinthians, Banner of Truth Trust, 1959, p163


“Finally, let us be instructed by the Holy Spirit. If a treasure-seeker were looking for a buried pirate’s chest, he might search long and wide and never find it. But if he came across a map, scratched out by the pirate who hid the gold, he could be sure of good success. The one who hid the gold is the best guide for him who would find it. But who has hidden the gold in the scriptures? Is it not the Holy Spirit, he who carried along the holy men of old, and who spoke by the mouth of David and all the prophets? Is he not the One who reveals Christ to men, and who brings to their remembrance all that he had taught them? And, moreover, is not the Father good to give the Spirit to them who ask diligently, and is not the Spirit gracious to give an anointing to all who are his, so that they might know the truth indeed? Every day, then, as we approach the Word of God, let us cry out to the Father, to send his Spirit, that he might open our eyes to the Son. Then, we will find the buried treasure, and cry out for joy.”

Nathan Pritchard - The Hidden Treasure (2 -- Setting Out for the Field)

We may depend upon this--men will never truly come to Christ, and stay with Christ, and live for Christ--unless they feel their sins, and know their need of a Savior. Those whom the Holy Spirit draws to Christ--are those whom the Spirit has convinced of sin. Without real conviction of sin, men may seem to come to Christ and follow Him for a season—but they will soon fall away and return to the world. The words of one are most deeply true, "The consciousness of sin is the true pathway to heaven." – D.L. Kane

“Remember the perfections of that God whom you worship, that He is a Spirit, and therefore to be worshipped in spirit and truth; and that he is most great and terrible, and therefore to be worshipped with seriousness and reverence, and not to be dallied with, or served with toys or lifeless lip-service; and that he is most holy, pure, and jealous, and therefore to be purely worshipped; and that he is still present with you, and all things are naked and open to him with whom we have to do. The knowledge of God, and the remembrance of His all-seeing presence, are the most powerful means against hypocrisy.”Richard Baxter, Pastor and author 1615 - 1691

No Boxes Here -- God sent a Goomba!

If you’re at all familiar with the “Super Mario Brothers” Nintendo games, you’ll know who this little guy is. God used him to help me through a tough situation recently. I’m telling you what, there’s no putting our Great God in a box! He can use absolutely anything for His glory and our good!

On Friday, October 3, 2008, I was blessed with the opportunity to be a part of an experiment at work that involved shooting a short video. When the time came for the shooting, even though I thought I had my lines memorized, I was so nervous that I was having trouble remembering them.

A friend from work graciously attended the filming with me, and it was such a blessing to have her there. But I didn’t feel comfortable looking at her while I was saying my lines, because I knew that people viewing the video would be able to tell I was looking at someone besides the camera. So I looked at the camera and stumbled through several failed attempts and saying my lines.

Finally, in my heart I began to pray that God would help me get through this without wasting any more of the time of the people who were putting the video together. And all of a sudden I saw it… Hanging from the camera was a tiny plastic Goomba on a keychain! His was a familiar – albeit grumpy – face that brought back a flood of fond memories.

God spoke to me through that tiny little face from my past, reassuring me that He was there with me, and giving me something to look at that was familiar, comfortable, and close enough to the camera that I could look at it and still look like I was looking at the camera.

I laughed out loud, pointed to it and said, “Hey, that’s from Mario!”

And from then on I was able to remember what I was supposed to say.

Thank You, Father God, for being so infinitely personal and creative and for bringing all of the details together so brilliantly!

My beautiful daughter Linnea has recently joined the Blogosphere! I'm so excited to be able to connect with her in this way. Like mother, like daughter... In the years to come, her children will treasure these insights into her heart and life. I love you and I'm so proud of you, Honey!!

This is a post from Fred Blauer’s blog that really made me think. I posted a comment on it several days later, and Fred and Pastor Eric both replied to the comment. God spoke deeply to my heart through their words and I want to preserve the entire interaction here. It is my prayer that if anything were ever to happen to me, someone will make sure that my children all have a printed copy or a CD copy of my blog, and this is certainly something I would want them to have as a part of that.

Fred’s Original Post from 9/21/08:

"When open commissions of sin do humble and abase the heart, and secret inclinations to sin do even break and burst the heart asunder, then the heart is certainly sincere with God. A Christian will readily grant that his God is a good God, and that Jesus Christ is the chiefest of ten thousand, and that the gospel is a glorious gospel…But yet he will say, I have such a proud heart, such a hard heart, such a slight heart, such a carnal heart, etc., and I am so vexed and molested with sinful notions, and with sinful imaginations, and with sinful inclinations, and with atheistical risings, and with private murmurings, and with secret unbelievings, and that in despite of all my conflictings and strivings, prayings and mournings, sighing, groanings, complainings, so that I am oftentimes weary of my life. And if this does not speak out Christ within, and grace within, and the Spirit within such a soul, I know nothing. O friends! Remember this once for all, viz., that the main battle, the main warfare of a Christian lies not in the open field, it lies not in visible skirmishes; but his main quarrels and conflicts are most within, and his worst and greatest enemies are them of his own house, they are them of his own heart.

“A little grace at first conversion may reform an ill life, but it must be a great deal of grace that must reform an ill heart. A little grace may make a man victorious over outward gross sins, but it must be a great deal of grace that makes a man victorious over inward sins, secret sins, spiritual sins, yea, a thorough conquest of these sins will hold a man in play all his days." -- Thomas Brooks.

"A thorough conquest of these sins will hold a man in play all his days." There is the key issue; we feel less because we haven't attained to the place that will take a lifetime to reach. Or we hear a glorious testimony how God delivered a person from the depths of sin, they are now freed from addiction or unbelief, and it seems as thought the battle is won for them but we continue on weakly, slowly, with many upsets and drawbacks. They have won the battle of the “visible skirmish”, but they have just begun the life long battle of the conflict within. Now obviously we shouldn't kick back and accept our weaknesses, but the enemy makes us feel as though we are behind the norm. Not so, at fifty or sixty we will still be in the heat of the battle, still fighting the "ill heart”.


My Comment:

Fred, I've been enjoying chewing on this post, but hesitating to comment because what I want to say is difficult. But since it appears that more damage has been done by hiding the truth than revealing it over the years, I'll just jump in and let the chips fall where they may. Please feel free to delete this comment if you're not comfortable with it for any reason.

For me, the single greatest symptom and evidence of the depth of my depravity is the fact that I have little to no authentic remorse for any wrong I’ve ever done. I want to feel genuine and passionate remorse, sorrow, guilt, shame – anything – over the sins I have committed in my life, the sins I will continue to commit, and the dark desires of my heart. I’ve never really felt any of those things, at least not much and not for long, even when I was a child.

Sure, I’ve felt regret and fear because of being caught. I’ve felt sorry for myself because of losses of different sorts that my own choices have brought about. But I have never fully felt the weight or severity of the sin in my life, mostly because in my heart I seem to have an excuse or a justification for every wrong I’ve ever committed.

As I read the books, works and words of the “old dead guys” I admire the most, a common theme threads throughout… Each one of them was deeply aware of and horrified by their own sin, the depravity of their flesh, and their hopelessness and worthlessness without God, and many of them continued to feel unworthy of His love and attention throughout much of their lives. Each one was in awe of the miracle of the gospel, which shone all the more brightly to them because they had such an acute awareness of the evil in their own selves that Christ’s blood atoned for.

I long to feel that, to live in that truth, to be humbled and emptied by it so that God can fill me up and overflow through me authentically. I’ve tasted the type of joy I’m hoping for, and it was awesome and addictive! I wanted to stay in that place for the rest of my life and on into eternity. But I was cheating, because I had sought the end product without first walking the road of a person broken in the face of their own guilt.

I pray with all my heart that God will do these works in my heart. I pray that my pride, my cold heart, and my stubbornness will not make it necessary for Him to go to extreme measures to accomplish this, and that my family won’t have to suffer too much in the process. May He have mercy on me.


Fred’s Response:

Hi Mel, I appreciate such a candid post. And, of course I would like to have the perfect cordial of rememdy, but it is doubtful I could, even if I had a lot more information, but you are in good hands, Jesus is leading you step by step.

I'll generalize some, and maybe something will stick.

I think those that feel the greatest remorse are those that have most deeply hurt the ones they love. When we see pain in those we love, caused by our choices, it grieves us and though we know we are forgiven, we never forget. Nor should we. Repeating great offenses is doubly pain laden.I think by far the largest part of our past sins have the consequences hidden from us. We go on never knowing what we have done to others. It would be an overwhelming sight to see all at once. I'm pretty sure that God will allow us to see sin's consequences where it is necessary and if He chooses to do so, one moment of illumination will be all that's needed. I never try and second guess the Lord, He opens up things as we need them, and those, when we are ready to understand.

God rears us in the faith one line at a time, and that over a lifetime. You have mentioned more than once that God is teaching you about important issues, probably best to follow His lead, and when you hear of the way others have felt, not to worry. God only knows what secret sins they have been delivered from and you may never feel the way they do. We are to seek Him and He will take care of the rest. He won't leave anything undone in you, though it may not look the same as others. I think we need to just be ourselves, with our own personality and temperament. God knows what each of us needs, and when.

I think the Puritan culture was completely different in some ways from ours. They could go on for months over something we dismiss immediately. Not to discredit them but they had little to compare themselves to. In light of what we know about people we might simply tell them to stop obsessing! 'for crying out loud, God will forgive you for choosing to buy pants with a zipper instead of the traditional button fly.' :)

These emotions you speak of and think you lack, are ones that come in the prayer closet and not something we seek but something that God reveals if necessary. We just trust and obey, finding our hope in His joy and love. His is not a heavey yoke of guilt and doubt. He uses Godly sorrow to bring us to repentance, but when repentance is done, the sorrow is lifted. We may hold on to guilt, but that's not the Spirit. He is guiding us in the way of life, and if we are in the way, remorse should be incidental.

So, that's my first blush and if it is way off, no matter, He will show you your way.

Trusting Him for all,
Fred


Pastor Eric’s Response:

I think the butchering and humiliation of Christ on a stake outside Jerusalem is all that is needed for the cleansing of sin.

In fact nothing we can manufacture, conjure, pray for, attempt to emote, punish ourselves with or resolve to restitute, will ever come close to adding to or taking away from a bloody roman cross.

It is God's work...not ours.

To attempt to add anything but faith...opens Pandora's box.

Repentance in whatever form is the gift of God....as is freedom from the gnawing terror of a life wasted, spoiled, dragged through the muck and mire.

You are blessed to be able to live a life without a deeply imbedded sliver of sin consciousness embedded in the unaccessible recesses of your inner consciousness.

I think the fact that you feel what you feel...is evidence that repentance has moved through the heart and mind.

The closer you get to the Sun the more blind you get.

Grace erases more than it reminds...because in the end...you are still thinking about...you.

The top three pictures were drawn by my daughter Linnea. The bottom one was done by my daughter Megan. These pictures brighten my day. I'm glad they share them with me still, and that they allow me to post them on this blog.

The two major areas of my life that need the most help right now are learning how to be a good wife and learning how to be an effective mother. Keith and I have gone through “Growing Kids God’s Way” twice, but I haven’t been very good at implementing the principles from that program. I’m too lazy, too undisciplined and too unsure of myself.

In spite of my obvious failings, until this recent season of self-examination, I had deceived myself into thinking I was a relatively good mother. Several years ago, my work offered a series of classes on the book “Parenting with Love and Logic.” People I knew attended the classes and were delighted with the effective practicality of the principles taught there. They shared their delight with me and others and told everyone they knew that they thought the class would be valuable for any parent to attend.

The class was offered again and I was personally invited by a friend. While my voice was “graciously” declining the opportunity citing the reason as not being able to attend after-work functions because of daycare time constraints, the reality is that the pride in me rose up and thought “I’ve been through ‘Growing Kids God’s Way’ twice! I don’t need another parenting class. I’m doing just fine, thank you.”

I shudder to think how much damage I have done to my children because of not making use of that valuable opportunity when God laid it directly in my path.

At our church’s women’s retreat this year, one of the workshops was about parenting, and the speaker spoke from the book “Parenting with Love and Logic.” Thankfully, my heart was definitely far more receptive this time, and the whole time I was sitting there nodding my head because I could relate to nearly everything that was being said. After the workshop I asked the speaker if I could borrow the book, and she graciously allowed me to.

I’ve been reading it ever since and have had some chances to apply what I’m learning, with encouraging success. What a gold-mine of practical truth! I am enjoying being in this season of receptive teachability, and am praying that by God’s grace, He will continue to soften my heart.

Pride is still a huge (HUGE) stronghold in my life. I hope and pray that He will keep me from regressing into old thinking patterns, and feeling patterns, and will teach me new ways of thinking, and that He will embed in the depths of my heart the truth that “…I am less than the least of all God’s people…” (Eph 3:8). I want to live in that reality, to be wholly and completely dependent on Him for all things.

(photo from the internet)

Fighting off the bad guys…

I was a kid when Atari first came out, and have been a video game junkie ever since. A few years after the first Nintendo console was released, Super Mario Brothers III captured my attention. I asked my dad if he’d be willing to buy me one, and he said that if I would agree to never ask for a horse again (I was also obsessed with horses and was constantly asking for one, even though we had very little money and lived in the city) he would buy me a Nintendo system, TV and the game I wanted that very night. I readily agreed and was soon set up with a 19-inch color TV and a Nintendo system in my bedroom. (I never did ask for a horse again, either, holding up my very easy part of the bargain…) My friends and I camped out there pretty much every second we weren’t in school for the next 3 or 4 months. We played Mario III until we knew every detail of the game and could pass the whole thing in a matter of hours without dying once. I stopped counting after we had passed it 64 times.

Keith wasn’t in to video games at all when I first met him, but after we bought a Nintendo 64 console, we played through The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, which is in my opinion one of the greatest games ever written. It opened the door for us to be able to do something together (besides watching movies) that the kids could also participate in. They didn’t usually want to play… They were usually content to watch us play and cheer us on.

Now we’ve graduated to Twilight Princess on the Gamecube. I am enjoying it tremendously, and Keith seems to be, too. I am so grateful to him for picking up this new pastime so easily, and grateful to God for allowing me to be married to this amazing man.

One of the things I love about Twilight Princess, besides the beautiful graphics, is that the game really makes you work for what you’re trying to earn. The other night we had to escort a covered wagon from one town to another through enemy-infested lands, and by the time we got there my heart was pounding and I was sweating, but I felt a sense of accomplishment. Much more so than I would have after having just spent two hours of my life on a chick-flick, anyway. At least this way we’re spending time together, talking to each other and cheering each other on, and even developing some hand-eye coordination in the process.